Summer Reading Tips for Parents from Reading Rockets
Summer shouldn't mean taking a break from learning, especially reading. Studies show that most students experience a loss of reading skills over the summer months, but children who continue to read will gain skills.Efforts should be made during the summer to help children sustain reading skills, practice reading and read for enjoyment.
Reading builds visualization, thinking and language abilities. Taking the time to read with your child can help you evaluate your child's reading skills. If you discover that your child is having trouble with reading, he or she may have a learning disability. 80% of children with a learning disability have difficulty with basic reading and language. But early identification of such a disability gives a child the chance to develop ways to learn how to read effectively, and skills to lead a successful and productive life. A recent National Institutes of Health study showed that 67% of young students at risk for reading difficulties became average or above average readers after receiving help in the early grades.
Parents should remember that children need free time in the summer to relax and enjoy the pleasures of childhood. So summer reading should be fun. Following are a few tips to make reading enjoyable for your children this summer:
1. Read aloud together with your child every day.Make it fun by reading outdoors on the front steps, patio, at the beach or park. Also, let your children read to you. For younger children, point out the relationship between words and sounds.
2. Set a good example!Parents must be willing to model behavior for their children. Keep lots of reading material around the house. Turn off the TV and have each person read his or her book, including mom and dad.
3. Read the same book your child is reading and discuss it.This is the way to develop habits of the mind and build capacity for thought and insight.
4. Let kids choose what they want to read, and don't turn your nose up at popular fiction.It will only discourage the reading habit.
5. Buy books on tape, especially for a child with a learning disability.Listen to them in the car, or turn off the TV and have the family listen to them together.
6. Take your children to the library regularly.Most libraries sponsor summer reading clubs with easy-to-reach goals for preschool and school-age children. Check the library calendar for special summer reading activities and events. Libraries also provide age appropriate lists for summer reading.
7. Subscribe, in your child's name, to magazines like Sports Illustrated for Kids, Highlights for Children, or National Geographic World.Encourage older children to read the newspaper and current events magazines, to keep up the reading habit over the summer and develop vocabulary. Ask them what they think about what they've read, and listen to what they say.
8. Ease disappointment over summer separation from a favorite school friend by encouraging them to become pen pals.Present both children with postcards or envelopes that are already addressed and stamped. If both children have access to the Internet, email is another option.
9. Make trips a way to encourage reading by reading aloud traffic signs, billboards, notices.Show your children how to read a map, and once you are on the road, let them take turns being the navigator.
10. Encourage children to keep a summer scrapbook.Tape in souvenirs of your family's summer activities picture postcards, ticket stubs, photos. Have your children write the captions and read them and read them aloud as you look at the book together.
Reading builds visualization, thinking and language abilities. Taking the time to read with your child can help you evaluate your child's reading skills. If you discover that your child is having trouble with reading, he or she may have a learning disability. 80% of children with a learning disability have difficulty with basic reading and language. But early identification of such a disability gives a child the chance to develop ways to learn how to read effectively, and skills to lead a successful and productive life. A recent National Institutes of Health study showed that 67% of young students at risk for reading difficulties became average or above average readers after receiving help in the early grades.
Parents should remember that children need free time in the summer to relax and enjoy the pleasures of childhood. So summer reading should be fun. Following are a few tips to make reading enjoyable for your children this summer:
1. Read aloud together with your child every day.Make it fun by reading outdoors on the front steps, patio, at the beach or park. Also, let your children read to you. For younger children, point out the relationship between words and sounds.
2. Set a good example!Parents must be willing to model behavior for their children. Keep lots of reading material around the house. Turn off the TV and have each person read his or her book, including mom and dad.
3. Read the same book your child is reading and discuss it.This is the way to develop habits of the mind and build capacity for thought and insight.
4. Let kids choose what they want to read, and don't turn your nose up at popular fiction.It will only discourage the reading habit.
5. Buy books on tape, especially for a child with a learning disability.Listen to them in the car, or turn off the TV and have the family listen to them together.
6. Take your children to the library regularly.Most libraries sponsor summer reading clubs with easy-to-reach goals for preschool and school-age children. Check the library calendar for special summer reading activities and events. Libraries also provide age appropriate lists for summer reading.
7. Subscribe, in your child's name, to magazines like Sports Illustrated for Kids, Highlights for Children, or National Geographic World.Encourage older children to read the newspaper and current events magazines, to keep up the reading habit over the summer and develop vocabulary. Ask them what they think about what they've read, and listen to what they say.
8. Ease disappointment over summer separation from a favorite school friend by encouraging them to become pen pals.Present both children with postcards or envelopes that are already addressed and stamped. If both children have access to the Internet, email is another option.
9. Make trips a way to encourage reading by reading aloud traffic signs, billboards, notices.Show your children how to read a map, and once you are on the road, let them take turns being the navigator.
10. Encourage children to keep a summer scrapbook.Tape in souvenirs of your family's summer activities picture postcards, ticket stubs, photos. Have your children write the captions and read them and read them aloud as you look at the book together.
Tips to get your kids through the end of the school year BY CHERYL EMBRETT
As the days get longer and the weather warmer, the last place your child wants to be is in the classroom. “Attention seems to drop as the thermometer rises,” says Kimberley Smith, a primary teacher in Dartmouth, NS, and mother of three. “The end of the school year is a tough time for everyone.”
While little Vivian or Dillon may not have the same enthusiasm for school when spring fever strikes, mid-May to mid-June is a crucial time for them to stay on track academically. “I used to tell my students it’s like the playoffs,” says Laura Mayne, a former elementary teacher and a co-author of Meet the Teacher: How to Help Your Child Navigate Elementary School. “This is when you really buckle down because your teacher is gathering marks for your final report cards and you want to do your best work.”
Even when tests are over and report cards are filed, students are still soaking up those last bits of curriculum they need before they advance to the next grade. They’re just doing it in a more relaxed environment.
Teachers must dig deep in their little bag of tricks to keep students from coasting – or bouncing off the walls – until the last bell rings, and parents do, too. But don’t sweat it. These tips will help get your little scholar through the home stretch with your sanity intact.
Stick to routine
As tempting as it is to slip into summer-relaxed mode, don’t abandon the routines and structures you’ve relied on all year. Now that it’s light outside later, the kids may be clamouring for you to move back bedtime, but they still need to be tucked in at a reasonable hour. “I sometimes see parents out shopping with their kids at 9:30 on a school night,” says Smith. “They’re relieved that things are winding down and they think it doesn’t matter. But if my kindergarten-aged kids don’t get enough sleep, they cry, they’re cranky and they can’t do their work.” The same holds true for older kids—and exhausted parents.
Regular routines, including healthy snacks and lunches, also help kids cope with the excitement of movie days, field trips and other end-of-school treats and activities. “I’ve seen some kids who are just ‘Woo-hoo!’ out-of-control this time of year,” says Mayne. “It helps to reinforce that although things may be a little more free-form at school, your expectations and the teacher’s expectations for behaviour are still the same.”
Take it outside
Research shows that spending more time outdoors improves children’s concentration in school, lessens aggression and improves their ability to cooperate. It’s “a giant relief valve for everyone in the family,” writes outdoor lifestyle expert Rebecca Cohen in 15 Minutes Outside, a month-by-month collection of 365 easy and enjoyable ways to get out of the house and connect with your kids.
Try moving homework outside whenever possible—your kids will enjoy the novelty and be less likely to complain. Draw math equations in chalk on the driveway, act out a history lesson in the local park or curl up on the front porch to read aloud. “If you give kids lots of opportunities to be outside after school and in the early evening, they won’t be looking out the window as much during the school day thinking, ‘Oh, I wish I was out there,’” says Mayne. All that fresh air and the opportunity to let off steam also makes tackling any remaining after-dinner homework and bedtime easier.
Plan ahead
Get a head start on preparing your child to make the transition from one grade to another, and from in-school learning to summer learning. If she’s struggling at school, schedule a meeting with the teacher and get some suggestions on enriching summer activities to help her improve her skills, advises Smith. If you’re planning a trip, pick up a few books about the places you’ll be visiting. Reading a child’s edition of Anne of Green Gables, for example, will fuel your child’s imagination about PEI, if that’s your destination. Tying your vacation to literatureor— literature to your vacation—is a great way to encourage reading in those last few weeks of school and into the summer.
Your child might also enjoy writing and illustrating a letter of introduction to next year’s teacher, or to a younger student who will be in her grade level the following year telling her what to expect and how to prepare. (It can be as simple as “Buy a good lunchbox, find out where the bathrooms are and have fun!”) Check in with her current teacher first, or suggest it as a class project.
Acknowledge progress
Encourage your child to reflect back on her school year and think about what she’s learned, what was challenging, how she dealt with it and what she’s proud of. Mayne and her daughter would sit down together to sort through all the artwork, projects and writing that she collected over the year and choose a few pieces to keep as mementos. “There was a lot of, ‘Omigosh, look at what my printing used to look like,’” she laughs. “It’s a real motivator for kids when they look back at their work. It reinforces just how far they’ve come.”
As the kids count down (and you do, too!), start planning something special to mark the last day of class. It’s important to end the year on an upbeat note, says Smith, whether it’s a school’s-out scavenger hunt, a class picnic in the park or a backyard barbecue complete with cake and balloons. “School isn’t just about academics, it’s very much a social thing, too. Kids need a chance to celebrate the friendships and relationships they’ve made in the classroom all year.” And after a year of packing lunches, overseeing homework and getting little dawdlers out the door on time, parents deserve to join in the celebration, too.
A version of this article appeared in print in our May 2012 issue with the headline: “Sick of school” (p.60).
While little Vivian or Dillon may not have the same enthusiasm for school when spring fever strikes, mid-May to mid-June is a crucial time for them to stay on track academically. “I used to tell my students it’s like the playoffs,” says Laura Mayne, a former elementary teacher and a co-author of Meet the Teacher: How to Help Your Child Navigate Elementary School. “This is when you really buckle down because your teacher is gathering marks for your final report cards and you want to do your best work.”
Even when tests are over and report cards are filed, students are still soaking up those last bits of curriculum they need before they advance to the next grade. They’re just doing it in a more relaxed environment.
Teachers must dig deep in their little bag of tricks to keep students from coasting – or bouncing off the walls – until the last bell rings, and parents do, too. But don’t sweat it. These tips will help get your little scholar through the home stretch with your sanity intact.
Stick to routine
As tempting as it is to slip into summer-relaxed mode, don’t abandon the routines and structures you’ve relied on all year. Now that it’s light outside later, the kids may be clamouring for you to move back bedtime, but they still need to be tucked in at a reasonable hour. “I sometimes see parents out shopping with their kids at 9:30 on a school night,” says Smith. “They’re relieved that things are winding down and they think it doesn’t matter. But if my kindergarten-aged kids don’t get enough sleep, they cry, they’re cranky and they can’t do their work.” The same holds true for older kids—and exhausted parents.
Regular routines, including healthy snacks and lunches, also help kids cope with the excitement of movie days, field trips and other end-of-school treats and activities. “I’ve seen some kids who are just ‘Woo-hoo!’ out-of-control this time of year,” says Mayne. “It helps to reinforce that although things may be a little more free-form at school, your expectations and the teacher’s expectations for behaviour are still the same.”
Take it outside
Research shows that spending more time outdoors improves children’s concentration in school, lessens aggression and improves their ability to cooperate. It’s “a giant relief valve for everyone in the family,” writes outdoor lifestyle expert Rebecca Cohen in 15 Minutes Outside, a month-by-month collection of 365 easy and enjoyable ways to get out of the house and connect with your kids.
Try moving homework outside whenever possible—your kids will enjoy the novelty and be less likely to complain. Draw math equations in chalk on the driveway, act out a history lesson in the local park or curl up on the front porch to read aloud. “If you give kids lots of opportunities to be outside after school and in the early evening, they won’t be looking out the window as much during the school day thinking, ‘Oh, I wish I was out there,’” says Mayne. All that fresh air and the opportunity to let off steam also makes tackling any remaining after-dinner homework and bedtime easier.
Plan ahead
Get a head start on preparing your child to make the transition from one grade to another, and from in-school learning to summer learning. If she’s struggling at school, schedule a meeting with the teacher and get some suggestions on enriching summer activities to help her improve her skills, advises Smith. If you’re planning a trip, pick up a few books about the places you’ll be visiting. Reading a child’s edition of Anne of Green Gables, for example, will fuel your child’s imagination about PEI, if that’s your destination. Tying your vacation to literatureor— literature to your vacation—is a great way to encourage reading in those last few weeks of school and into the summer.
Your child might also enjoy writing and illustrating a letter of introduction to next year’s teacher, or to a younger student who will be in her grade level the following year telling her what to expect and how to prepare. (It can be as simple as “Buy a good lunchbox, find out where the bathrooms are and have fun!”) Check in with her current teacher first, or suggest it as a class project.
Acknowledge progress
Encourage your child to reflect back on her school year and think about what she’s learned, what was challenging, how she dealt with it and what she’s proud of. Mayne and her daughter would sit down together to sort through all the artwork, projects and writing that she collected over the year and choose a few pieces to keep as mementos. “There was a lot of, ‘Omigosh, look at what my printing used to look like,’” she laughs. “It’s a real motivator for kids when they look back at their work. It reinforces just how far they’ve come.”
As the kids count down (and you do, too!), start planning something special to mark the last day of class. It’s important to end the year on an upbeat note, says Smith, whether it’s a school’s-out scavenger hunt, a class picnic in the park or a backyard barbecue complete with cake and balloons. “School isn’t just about academics, it’s very much a social thing, too. Kids need a chance to celebrate the friendships and relationships they’ve made in the classroom all year.” And after a year of packing lunches, overseeing homework and getting little dawdlers out the door on time, parents deserve to join in the celebration, too.
A version of this article appeared in print in our May 2012 issue with the headline: “Sick of school” (p.60).
Research update: Food and children's behaviour
Whether your child has a diagnosed behavioural disorder (such as ADHD), or is simply going through a difficult stage, latest research has confirmed that food can be a contributing factor. Dietitian Tracy Morris reports on the three major links between food and behaviour.
Does your child display these behaviours?
1. The basicsWe all know that kids need to eat breakfast, eat balanced meals and eat regularly – and research has shown that these three habits can make a big difference to children with behavioural issues.
BreakfastSeveral studies have indicated eating breakfast helps children perform better at school. Children are more attentive, less fidgety and recall more information in the classroom when they eat a nutritious breakfast, compared to when they don’t.
Take actionAlways encourage your kids to eat breakfast. Any breakfast is better than nothing, however, emerging evidence shows that lower-GI foods may be a better choice.
Great breakfast options include
Take actionEnsure your kids are offered three main meals and two snacks each day. They might not eat it all, but a regular supply of healthy foods is important to ensure stable blood glucose levels.
Great kids’ snack options include
Natural food chemicalsFor some children, a food intolerance to naturally occurring food chemicals (salicylates, amines and glutamate) can worsen incidences of bad behaviour or behavioural disorders. When these chemicals are removed from the diets of food-sensitive children, their behaviour may improve significantly.
Take actionParents who suspect certain foods may be triggering behaviour symptoms may need to trial an elimination diet. But this can be an extremely tricky process and should only be attempted with medical supervision.
Natural food chemicals and where to find them
Food additivesFor a small minority of the population, artificial food additives (colours, preservatives and flavour enhancers) can cause adverse reactions, including behavioural issues. A preservative commonly used to prevent bread from going mouldy, called calcium propionate, can cause irritability, restlessness, inattention and sleep disturbances in children prone to food sensitivities.
Additionally, one famous study has also found food colourings (particularly red, yellow and orange), and the preservative sodium benzoate, can cause hyperactivity in some children. While findings did cause some controversy initially, due to inconsistent findings between age groups, a recent 2010 report by the US Center for Science in the Public Interest has also called for artificial colours to be replaced by natural colourings, due to health concerns.
Take actionIn Australia, these food colourings are still approved for use, and unfortunately, for those affected, foods to avoid include many popular children’s treats, like confectionary, soft drink, cordial, flavoured milk, cakes and biscuits. While removing artificial additives from your child’s diet can be a challenge, there are a few ways to avoid them:
ColoursCode
Tartrazine102
Quinoline yellow104
Sunset yellow110
Carmoisine122
Ponceau 4R124
Allura red129
PreservativesCode
Sorbates200-203
Benzoates210-213
Sulphites220-228
Nitrates, nitrites249-252
Propionates280-283
Antioxidants310-312, 319-321
Flavour enhancersCode
Glutamates including MSG620-625
Ribonucleotides627, 631, 635
Hydrolysed Vegetable ProteinHVT
Textured Vegetable Protein TVP
3. Nutrition deficienciesWhile balanced, regular meals can help alleviate some behavioural issues, and removing foods that your child is sensitive to can also make a difference, studies have shown that boosting levels of particular minerals and nutrients may, for some children, be essential for improving behaviour.
Vital micronutrients – iron and zincIron and zinc deficiencies have both been implicated in children’s behaviour. Under two years of age, a period of rapid brain development, iron deficiency appears the most serious and can result in longterm problems with attention and mood. Emerging research also shows that many children with ADHD have lower levels of zinc in their blood, compared to healthy children. Improving zinc levels in children with ADHD has been shown to reduce symptoms of hyperactivity, impulsivity and impaired socialisation.
Take actionIf you are concerned, get your child’s iron and zinc blood levels tested. Low levels can be improved by including rich sources of both minerals in your child’s diet. Supplementation should only take place under the guidance of a health professional, as iron and zinc are toxic in large doses.
Sources of iron and zinc include
Take actionThe National Heart Foundation of Australia recommends children consume about 500mg per day of combined long-chain omega-3s (DHA and EPA). This can be achieved through a combination of the following:
Gluten and casein-free diet: Anecdotally, there is some support for a diet that eliminates gluten and casein (a protein found in dairy products), however, this remains controversial. But, new Danish research has found significant improvements in autistic behaviours in some kids following the diet. Diet-sensitive autistic children, who show improvement on a gluten and/or casein-free diet, often react to artificial additives, too. As this diet can be highly restrictive, and may only be beneficial to kids who have an intolerance to gluten and casein, parents should only introduce this diet with the help of an Accredited Practising Dietitian.
Vitamin and mineral supplements: Vitamins and minerals thought to improve autistic behaviour include vitamin B6, vitamin C and magnesium. However, at this stage there is not enough scientific proof to justify supplementation for children with autism. Take caution as high doses of vitamin B6 can be dangerous.
The link to ADHDDiet doesn’t actually cause ADHD, but research has shown that the three major factors we’ve discussed on the previous pages can all trigger, or worsen, symptoms. In addition to this, research has shown that:
The verdictAll children, including those with ADHD and autism, should aim to eat a balanced diet, based on minimally processed whole foods and packaged foods with a short ingredient list. If your child appears to have behavioural difficulties, research shows that altering their diet may help – but it’s important to seek help from an Accredited Practising Dietitian, to investigate possible food-related causes. It’s also worth noting that behavioural issues can stem from a variety of non-diet-related factors, so it’s a very good idea to seek assistance from a qualified health professional, such as a child psychiatrist, before doing anything else, if you’re concerned about your child’s behaviour.
Does your child display these behaviours?
- Inattentivness
- Forgetfulness
- Lack of organisation
- Acting impulsively
- Hyperactivity
- Anxiety or depression
- Antisocial behaviour
- Aloofness
- Unresponsive to others
- Restlessness
- Difficulty completing tasks
- Interrupting others
- Constant fidgeting
1. The basicsWe all know that kids need to eat breakfast, eat balanced meals and eat regularly – and research has shown that these three habits can make a big difference to children with behavioural issues.
BreakfastSeveral studies have indicated eating breakfast helps children perform better at school. Children are more attentive, less fidgety and recall more information in the classroom when they eat a nutritious breakfast, compared to when they don’t.
Take actionAlways encourage your kids to eat breakfast. Any breakfast is better than nothing, however, emerging evidence shows that lower-GI foods may be a better choice.
Great breakfast options include
- A boiled egg and toast soldiers
- Baked beans served on a grainy English muffin
- Porridge cooked with apple and served with a dollop of yoghurt
- 2 weetbix with milk and sliced strawberries
- A ready-made breakfast drink (e.g. Sanitarium Up&Go), with a banana
Take actionEnsure your kids are offered three main meals and two snacks each day. They might not eat it all, but a regular supply of healthy foods is important to ensure stable blood glucose levels.
Great kids’ snack options include
- Fresh fruit and low-fat yoghurt (e.g. strawberry Yoplait Go-Gurts are great for on the go)
- Popcorn (e.g. Real McCoy Air Popped Corn Original)
- Veggie sticks with low-fat cream cheese
- Carman’s Deluxe Fruit Muesli Bars and Muesli Bites
- Cheese (e.g. Bega Natural Cheese Fingers) and wholemeal crackers
Natural food chemicalsFor some children, a food intolerance to naturally occurring food chemicals (salicylates, amines and glutamate) can worsen incidences of bad behaviour or behavioural disorders. When these chemicals are removed from the diets of food-sensitive children, their behaviour may improve significantly.
Take actionParents who suspect certain foods may be triggering behaviour symptoms may need to trial an elimination diet. But this can be an extremely tricky process and should only be attempted with medical supervision.
Natural food chemicals and where to find them
- Salicylates are found in most fruit, some vegetables, herbs, spices, tea and flavour additives like mint flavouring.
- Amines are found in cheese, chocolate, wines, beer, yeast extracts and fish products, and certain fruits and vegetables.
- Glutamate is found in most foods, as it acts as a natural flavour enhancer, and added monosodium glutamate (MSG) is often used in soups, sauces, snack foods and Asian cooking.
Food additivesFor a small minority of the population, artificial food additives (colours, preservatives and flavour enhancers) can cause adverse reactions, including behavioural issues. A preservative commonly used to prevent bread from going mouldy, called calcium propionate, can cause irritability, restlessness, inattention and sleep disturbances in children prone to food sensitivities.
Additionally, one famous study has also found food colourings (particularly red, yellow and orange), and the preservative sodium benzoate, can cause hyperactivity in some children. While findings did cause some controversy initially, due to inconsistent findings between age groups, a recent 2010 report by the US Center for Science in the Public Interest has also called for artificial colours to be replaced by natural colourings, due to health concerns.
Take actionIn Australia, these food colourings are still approved for use, and unfortunately, for those affected, foods to avoid include many popular children’s treats, like confectionary, soft drink, cordial, flavoured milk, cakes and biscuits. While removing artificial additives from your child’s diet can be a challenge, there are a few ways to avoid them:
- Look for their names or code numbers on food packaging (see ‘Danger additives’ below for a complete list);
- Bake your own cakes and biscuits whenever possible;
- Choose foods labelled as containing ‘natural colours’ made from fruit, vegetables and spices like beetroot, carrot, paprika and turmeric; and
- Try our additive-free alternatives to more traditional ‘birthday party’ fare (right).
- Bakers Delight’s traditional and continental ranges are free from preservatives
- The Natural Confectionery Co. lollies are free from artificial colours and flavours
- The Natural Beverage Co. Apple Naturally Flavoured Soft Drink is free from artificial colours, flavours and preservatives
- Whole Kids Organic Popcorn is free from artificial colours, flavours and preservatives
- Hart & Soul Natural Lemon Squash Cordial – free from artificial colours, flavours and preservatives
- Hullabaloo Food – a range of foods free from artificial colours, flavours and preservatives, available online at www.hullabaloofood.com
ColoursCode
Tartrazine102
Quinoline yellow104
Sunset yellow110
Carmoisine122
Ponceau 4R124
Allura red129
PreservativesCode
Sorbates200-203
Benzoates210-213
Sulphites220-228
Nitrates, nitrites249-252
Propionates280-283
Antioxidants310-312, 319-321
Flavour enhancersCode
Glutamates including MSG620-625
Ribonucleotides627, 631, 635
Hydrolysed Vegetable ProteinHVT
Textured Vegetable Protein TVP
3. Nutrition deficienciesWhile balanced, regular meals can help alleviate some behavioural issues, and removing foods that your child is sensitive to can also make a difference, studies have shown that boosting levels of particular minerals and nutrients may, for some children, be essential for improving behaviour.
Vital micronutrients – iron and zincIron and zinc deficiencies have both been implicated in children’s behaviour. Under two years of age, a period of rapid brain development, iron deficiency appears the most serious and can result in longterm problems with attention and mood. Emerging research also shows that many children with ADHD have lower levels of zinc in their blood, compared to healthy children. Improving zinc levels in children with ADHD has been shown to reduce symptoms of hyperactivity, impulsivity and impaired socialisation.
Take actionIf you are concerned, get your child’s iron and zinc blood levels tested. Low levels can be improved by including rich sources of both minerals in your child’s diet. Supplementation should only take place under the guidance of a health professional, as iron and zinc are toxic in large doses.
Sources of iron and zinc include
- Iron-fortified rice cereal with puréed fruit (from six months of age onwards)
- Iron-fortified breakfast cereal (e.g. Weet-bix Kids) with fruit
- Spaghetti Bolognese
- Baked beans on soy & linseed bread
- Boiled eggs
- Green vegetables – seaweed (try baby sushi), peas or spinach
- Dairy foods – cheese, yoghurt (source of zinc only, not iron)
- Milo or Ovaltine for older children
Take actionThe National Heart Foundation of Australia recommends children consume about 500mg per day of combined long-chain omega-3s (DHA and EPA). This can be achieved through a combination of the following:
- Two to three serves of oily fish per week (e.g. salmon or mackerel)
- Food and drink enriched with marine omega-3s
- F ish oil capsules or liquids (aim for a maximum of 500mg/day of DHA and EPA)
- Best source: oily fish (e.g. Atlantic salmon or canned pink/red salmon)
- Excellent source: white fish, other seafood and omega-3-enriched eggs (e.g. Farm Pride Omega-3 enriched eggs)
- Good source: tuna snacks (e.g. John West Kids tuna), frozen fish fillets and omega-3-enriched yoghurt (e.g. Vaalia Kids yoghurt pouches)
- Source: regular eggs, lean red meat or other omega-3-enriched foods (e.g. Tip Top Up bread and Vaalia for toddlers)
Gluten and casein-free diet: Anecdotally, there is some support for a diet that eliminates gluten and casein (a protein found in dairy products), however, this remains controversial. But, new Danish research has found significant improvements in autistic behaviours in some kids following the diet. Diet-sensitive autistic children, who show improvement on a gluten and/or casein-free diet, often react to artificial additives, too. As this diet can be highly restrictive, and may only be beneficial to kids who have an intolerance to gluten and casein, parents should only introduce this diet with the help of an Accredited Practising Dietitian.
Vitamin and mineral supplements: Vitamins and minerals thought to improve autistic behaviour include vitamin B6, vitamin C and magnesium. However, at this stage there is not enough scientific proof to justify supplementation for children with autism. Take caution as high doses of vitamin B6 can be dangerous.
The link to ADHDDiet doesn’t actually cause ADHD, but research has shown that the three major factors we’ve discussed on the previous pages can all trigger, or worsen, symptoms. In addition to this, research has shown that:
- Following the ‘Feingold’ diet may help reduce the symptoms of ADHD in children who also have food intolerances. The Feingold diet involves eliminating nearly all processed foods, as well as fruit and vegetables high in salicylates (see ‘Food intolerances’ for more information, p32). It’s important that you speak to a qualified professional (such as a dietitian specialising in food intolerances) before you try this however, as it may be a relatively drastic change to your child’s diet, and involves avoiding a large proportion of common fruits and vegetables. To find a dietitian in your area, go to www.daa.asn.au.
- A lack of omega-3s has been linked to ADHD, with research now suggesting that sufferers may have an impaired ability to metabolise omega-3s. Taking omega-3 supplements however, has been shown to help improve symptoms.
- Many children with ADHD appear to have lower than normal levels of zinc, so zinc supplementation may be particularly useful. It’s also been suggested that zinc deficiency may occur as a result of ingesting certain artificial food colours, so avoiding these may be of benefit, even if your child doesn’t appear to have an intolerance to artificial food colours
- Despite anecdotal success, herbal supplements (such as Gingko biloba and American Ginseng) may not be beneficial in treating ADHD, with research, so far, being inconclusive. Moreover, caution should be taken when it comes to herbal supplements, as they may worsen ADHD symptoms due to their salicylate content. See ‘Food intolerances’ above for more information on salicyclates.
The verdictAll children, including those with ADHD and autism, should aim to eat a balanced diet, based on minimally processed whole foods and packaged foods with a short ingredient list. If your child appears to have behavioural difficulties, research shows that altering their diet may help – but it’s important to seek help from an Accredited Practising Dietitian, to investigate possible food-related causes. It’s also worth noting that behavioural issues can stem from a variety of non-diet-related factors, so it’s a very good idea to seek assistance from a qualified health professional, such as a child psychiatrist, before doing anything else, if you’re concerned about your child’s behaviour.
Social Issues: The Tough Stuff
There is no friendship (or childhood) that won’t have its ups and downs, and most can be weathered with a sympathetic ear and some pro-active strategies. Here are some insights to help you understand the tough stuff and help you decide what to do.
Most children experience normal social pain. “There is a difference between normal social pain and children who are at serious social risk,” notes Lawrence Cohen, Ph.D.
“Normal social pain is the sadness, anger, and jealousy that friendship brings. It’s the hurt feeling upon being left out. It’s the pain when your best friend finds another best friend. It’s the dilemma when you want to make a new best friend yourself. It’s the pain of occasional teasing. It’s when your child comes and says ‘everyone was mean at school.’ It’s the nervous stomachache at the start of a school year. But it doesn’t persist every single day.”
Fifteen percent of children may experience extreme social pain. There are some warning signs: A child who never gets invited on play dates or birthday parties and never calls anyone; a child who frequently gets stomachaches to avoid social situations; a child who is teased constantly or is constantly doing the teasing; or a child who regularly bullies or harasses other children. “Eighty-five percent of kids may experience social challenges but you don’t need to worry as long as they can handle them. But there are kids at either end of the social spectrum—the ones with no friends and limited social skills, and the ones who are consistently bossy and mean, who you need to work with to help them find their social place,” advises Michael Thompson, Ph.D.
Bullying exists in a culture of cruelty. Bullying can be physical, bullying can be verbal, and bullying can be persistent. Bullying can be done by individuals or by groups, through gossip and exclusion. However, any kind of child-on-child cruelty that is chronically humiliating to the victim is considered bullying. “Classic bullying is rare,” notes Lawrence Cohen, Ph.D. “Most kids who are cruel to others are not physically big and tough kids. Instead, they often are super-popular students who wield power malevolently, or who influence bigger ‘bullies’ to pick on social outcasts. Many bullies are picked on a lot themselves and take this out on others, so the same child is both a victim and a perpetrator.”
Girls often engage in “indirect bullying.” While boys will call another kid a name to his face, girls are often less direct and more insidious. Girl bullies start rumors, call kids names behind their backs, send nasty IMs and steal friends. In some cases, popular, well-dressed girls single out less sophisticated girls and tease them, or simply control a group by dictating what others can wear.
Cliques can get out of control. As kids get into 2nd or 3rd grade, they often cluster into close groups of friends. Many of these are not harmful, as it’s natural for groups of friends to form. But sometimes these groups define themselves by excluding others, and powerful social laws dictate who’s in or who’s out. Sadly, kids who are deemed “unpopular” and get rejected from a clique often don’t befriend each other, because it wouldn’t look “cool” to the rest of the group.
Kids get called “gay” for many reasons. Boys and girls who are less skilled athletically, or have different interests or learning styles, are often are the first to be teased or picked on. In some cases, bigger, more physically developed boys pick on smaller boys and call them “gay” or “fags.” Girls will accuse other girls of being lesbians, because it’s a put down. Adults often misinterpret these terms and take them literally. “If your child is called ‘gay,’ it helps to understand that kids may not be talking about homosexuality at all. Younger kids often don’t even know what this means but use the words to signify ‘loser’ or tease boys and girls who don’t fit the classic images of masculinity and femininity. And at times, they are used to pick on kids who really might be gay,” advises Lawrence Cohen, Ph.D. “You might ask your child, ‘what does it mean to be gay?’ ‘Why is that used as an insult?’ And, “What does it mean to be a woman or a man?’ In this way, instead of just saying, ‘that’s mean,’ you are talking about what being gay means.”
The media has an impact on friendship. Over-consumption of TV, interactive games, and the internet has replaced the kinds of activities kids used to do when they hung out together, like playing ball, doing projects, and even goofing around. It tempts kids away from more physical and imaginative activities, and nurturing conversations. “The media influences how they treat each other and what they talk about,” notes Diane Levin, Ph.D., author of “Remote Control Childhood.” “For girls, more and more play time is based on talking about what they buy and how they will look. Boys are encouraged to emulate stereotypical male, aggressive behavior. You can reduce the impact media has on time spent with friends by helping kids develop a repertoire of activities that are not connected to computer use, electronic games, and watching TV.” Experts don’t recommend that consumption of media stop, but they do recommend that you discuss what kids are viewing and set your own limits for what’s permissible.
Most children experience normal social pain. “There is a difference between normal social pain and children who are at serious social risk,” notes Lawrence Cohen, Ph.D.
“Normal social pain is the sadness, anger, and jealousy that friendship brings. It’s the hurt feeling upon being left out. It’s the pain when your best friend finds another best friend. It’s the dilemma when you want to make a new best friend yourself. It’s the pain of occasional teasing. It’s when your child comes and says ‘everyone was mean at school.’ It’s the nervous stomachache at the start of a school year. But it doesn’t persist every single day.”
Fifteen percent of children may experience extreme social pain. There are some warning signs: A child who never gets invited on play dates or birthday parties and never calls anyone; a child who frequently gets stomachaches to avoid social situations; a child who is teased constantly or is constantly doing the teasing; or a child who regularly bullies or harasses other children. “Eighty-five percent of kids may experience social challenges but you don’t need to worry as long as they can handle them. But there are kids at either end of the social spectrum—the ones with no friends and limited social skills, and the ones who are consistently bossy and mean, who you need to work with to help them find their social place,” advises Michael Thompson, Ph.D.
Bullying exists in a culture of cruelty. Bullying can be physical, bullying can be verbal, and bullying can be persistent. Bullying can be done by individuals or by groups, through gossip and exclusion. However, any kind of child-on-child cruelty that is chronically humiliating to the victim is considered bullying. “Classic bullying is rare,” notes Lawrence Cohen, Ph.D. “Most kids who are cruel to others are not physically big and tough kids. Instead, they often are super-popular students who wield power malevolently, or who influence bigger ‘bullies’ to pick on social outcasts. Many bullies are picked on a lot themselves and take this out on others, so the same child is both a victim and a perpetrator.”
Girls often engage in “indirect bullying.” While boys will call another kid a name to his face, girls are often less direct and more insidious. Girl bullies start rumors, call kids names behind their backs, send nasty IMs and steal friends. In some cases, popular, well-dressed girls single out less sophisticated girls and tease them, or simply control a group by dictating what others can wear.
Cliques can get out of control. As kids get into 2nd or 3rd grade, they often cluster into close groups of friends. Many of these are not harmful, as it’s natural for groups of friends to form. But sometimes these groups define themselves by excluding others, and powerful social laws dictate who’s in or who’s out. Sadly, kids who are deemed “unpopular” and get rejected from a clique often don’t befriend each other, because it wouldn’t look “cool” to the rest of the group.
Kids get called “gay” for many reasons. Boys and girls who are less skilled athletically, or have different interests or learning styles, are often are the first to be teased or picked on. In some cases, bigger, more physically developed boys pick on smaller boys and call them “gay” or “fags.” Girls will accuse other girls of being lesbians, because it’s a put down. Adults often misinterpret these terms and take them literally. “If your child is called ‘gay,’ it helps to understand that kids may not be talking about homosexuality at all. Younger kids often don’t even know what this means but use the words to signify ‘loser’ or tease boys and girls who don’t fit the classic images of masculinity and femininity. And at times, they are used to pick on kids who really might be gay,” advises Lawrence Cohen, Ph.D. “You might ask your child, ‘what does it mean to be gay?’ ‘Why is that used as an insult?’ And, “What does it mean to be a woman or a man?’ In this way, instead of just saying, ‘that’s mean,’ you are talking about what being gay means.”
The media has an impact on friendship. Over-consumption of TV, interactive games, and the internet has replaced the kinds of activities kids used to do when they hung out together, like playing ball, doing projects, and even goofing around. It tempts kids away from more physical and imaginative activities, and nurturing conversations. “The media influences how they treat each other and what they talk about,” notes Diane Levin, Ph.D., author of “Remote Control Childhood.” “For girls, more and more play time is based on talking about what they buy and how they will look. Boys are encouraged to emulate stereotypical male, aggressive behavior. You can reduce the impact media has on time spent with friends by helping kids develop a repertoire of activities that are not connected to computer use, electronic games, and watching TV.” Experts don’t recommend that consumption of media stop, but they do recommend that you discuss what kids are viewing and set your own limits for what’s permissible.
What to Do When Your Child Is a Bully By Bridget Bentz Sizer
No parent wants to get a call from the school principal about bullying, but what if the call isn’t about your child as the victim, but instead as the perpetrator of harassment? Your gut reaction might be to deny it—how could your sweet angel be involved in something so nasty?—but bullying isn’t a problem that anyone should ignore. So take a deep breath and commit yourself to finding out what’s going on and making whatever changes are necessary to be sure you aren’t harboring a bully at home. Here are six steps to follow.
- Find out what happened. Your initial instinct might be to get angry, but bullying expert Joel Haber, Ph.D., says parents need to keep their cool. Instead, Haber recommends asking your child to tell you, in his own words, what happened and what his role in the incident was. “Kids have to take accountability for their behavior,” says Haber. If your child tries to push the blame onto another participant, be firm and reiterate that you aren’t interested in hearing about other kids—just your child’s role in the bullying.
- Encourage empathy with the victim. After you get your child’s side of the story, ask him to imagine himself in his victim’s shoes. How would he feel is someone did the same thing to him? “The earlier we can help kids develop empathy, the better chance we have of them not becoming a bully,” says Haber.
- Have your child make restitution. Once your child owns what she did and acknowledges the hurt she’s caused, it’s time for her to try to make amends for the situation. This may mean apologizing to the other child in the presence of a school guidance counselor, or, in the case of cyberbullying, contacting all the recipients of a hurtful e-mail to issue a correction.Barbara Coloroso, the author of “The Bully, the Bullied and the Bystander,”notes the nature of the Web means that “rumors on the Internet can be hard to fix.” In extreme cases, she recommends that cyberbullies be forced to pay for a Web scrubber, which help bury nasty Web pages in Google search results.
- Try to get to the root cause of the bullying. Just because your child did something hurtful doesn’t mean that he’s a bad kid or that you’re a failure as a parent, says Ben Leichtling, Ph.D., author of “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids” and “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.” Most likely it means that he’s struggling to get something he wants—acknowledgment or attention or control, for instance—and falling back on bad patterns of behavior. So try to get to the root cause of the behavior, and then brainstorm different, more positive ways to act. “One way to do that is to acknowledge, ‘Okay, those desires are normal. I want to teach you better ways of getting what you want or being popular,'” says Leichtling.
- Involve the school. You can’t monitor your child 24 hours a day, seven days a week, so if you believe that your child is a bully, you need to enlist the school to help keep tabs on her behavior and report back to you. “Tell the guidance counselors and the teachers that you don’t support bullying and you want to know if it occurs,” says Leichtling.
- Be a role model. Remember the antidrug television commercial from the 1980s in which the parent asks his son where he learned to do drugs, and the son replies, “I learned it from watching you!”? The same commercial could probably be made about bullying. “If your kid is truly the bully, you have to examine what’s going on in your own home,” says Coloroso. So be honest with yourself: What behaviors do you model that send your child the message that it’s okay to make another person feel small? Are you curt with salespeople? Do you gossip and spread rumors? Roll your eyes when you hear something you disagree with? If so, it’s time to change—for your kid’s sake, as well as your own. “Kids observe what we do and follow what we do more than they listen to us,” says Haber. If we as parents want to stop the bullying, we all have to get on board.
The Parent-Teacher Partnership
The experts have been polled and the results are in: a positive parent-teacher relationship contributes to your child’s school success.
“Easier said than done,” you may be thinking. After all, there are teachers your child will love and teachers your child may not. There are teachers you’ll like and dislike as well. There are teachers who may adore your child, and those who just don’t understand him. But whatever the case, your child’s teacher is the second most important person in your child’s life (after her parents, of course). And you can help make their relationship a strong and rewarding one.
“A positive parent-teacher relationship helps your child feel good about school and be successful in school,” advises Diane Levin, Ph.D., professor of education at Wheelock College. “It demonstrates to your child that he can trust his teacher, because you do. This positive relationship makes a child feel like the important people in his life are working together.”
Communicating well is a key factor for making this relationship work. “Communication on both sides is extremely important,” notes teacher Susan Becker, M. Ed. “The parents need information about what and how their child is learning, and the teacher needs important feedback from the parent about the child’s academic and social development.”
But communicating effectively with a busy teacher, who may have up to 30 kids in a class, can be challenging. When’s the right time to talk — and when isn’t? How can you get her attention? What should you bring up with her with and what should be left alone? How do you create a relationship with someone you may only see a few times a year? And how do you do this without coming across like an overanxious pain in the you-know-what?
Try these strategies to build a positive relationship with your child’s teacher.
Approach this relationship with respect. Treat the teacher-parent-child relationship the way you would any really important one in your life. Create a problem-solving partnership, instead of confronting a teacher immediately with what’s wrong. “Meet with a teacher to brainstorm and collaborate ways to help your child, instead of delivering a lecture,” recommends Susan Becker, M. Ed.
Let your child develop his own relationship with the teacher. “This is one of the first relationships with an adult your child may have outside the family unit. If you take a back seat and let the relationship develop without much interference, a special bond may develop,” advises guidance counselor Linda Lendman. “For young children, the teacher-child relationship is a love relationship,” adds Michael Thompson, Ph.D. “In fact, it may be their first love relationship after their parents and it can be pretty powerful and wonderful.”
Try not to brag. Of course you think your child is brilliant, but bragging over her many accomplishments may send a message to the teacher that you think he may not be good enough to teach your child. “You don’t need to sell your child to the teacher,” notes Michael Thompson Ph.D., “you have to trust that your teacher will come to know what’s important herself. Telling a teacher that your child loves to read will thrill the teacher. But challenging your teacher with statements like ‘Susie read 70 books over the summer’ or ‘Matthew is a whiz at math,’ may backfire.”
Remember how you liked (or disliked) your teachers. Your experience at school is likely to affect your attitude toward your child’s teacher. “It’s important to leave your own baggage at the door, so you can talk about your child with the teacher (and not about you!)” adds Michael Thompson, Ph.D.
“Easier said than done,” you may be thinking. After all, there are teachers your child will love and teachers your child may not. There are teachers you’ll like and dislike as well. There are teachers who may adore your child, and those who just don’t understand him. But whatever the case, your child’s teacher is the second most important person in your child’s life (after her parents, of course). And you can help make their relationship a strong and rewarding one.
“A positive parent-teacher relationship helps your child feel good about school and be successful in school,” advises Diane Levin, Ph.D., professor of education at Wheelock College. “It demonstrates to your child that he can trust his teacher, because you do. This positive relationship makes a child feel like the important people in his life are working together.”
Communicating well is a key factor for making this relationship work. “Communication on both sides is extremely important,” notes teacher Susan Becker, M. Ed. “The parents need information about what and how their child is learning, and the teacher needs important feedback from the parent about the child’s academic and social development.”
But communicating effectively with a busy teacher, who may have up to 30 kids in a class, can be challenging. When’s the right time to talk — and when isn’t? How can you get her attention? What should you bring up with her with and what should be left alone? How do you create a relationship with someone you may only see a few times a year? And how do you do this without coming across like an overanxious pain in the you-know-what?
Try these strategies to build a positive relationship with your child’s teacher.
Approach this relationship with respect. Treat the teacher-parent-child relationship the way you would any really important one in your life. Create a problem-solving partnership, instead of confronting a teacher immediately with what’s wrong. “Meet with a teacher to brainstorm and collaborate ways to help your child, instead of delivering a lecture,” recommends Susan Becker, M. Ed.
Let your child develop his own relationship with the teacher. “This is one of the first relationships with an adult your child may have outside the family unit. If you take a back seat and let the relationship develop without much interference, a special bond may develop,” advises guidance counselor Linda Lendman. “For young children, the teacher-child relationship is a love relationship,” adds Michael Thompson, Ph.D. “In fact, it may be their first love relationship after their parents and it can be pretty powerful and wonderful.”
Try not to brag. Of course you think your child is brilliant, but bragging over her many accomplishments may send a message to the teacher that you think he may not be good enough to teach your child. “You don’t need to sell your child to the teacher,” notes Michael Thompson Ph.D., “you have to trust that your teacher will come to know what’s important herself. Telling a teacher that your child loves to read will thrill the teacher. But challenging your teacher with statements like ‘Susie read 70 books over the summer’ or ‘Matthew is a whiz at math,’ may backfire.”
Remember how you liked (or disliked) your teachers. Your experience at school is likely to affect your attitude toward your child’s teacher. “It’s important to leave your own baggage at the door, so you can talk about your child with the teacher (and not about you!)” adds Michael Thompson, Ph.D.
Teaching Your Child Charity By Diane Harris
All kids are born with an innate sense of charity and compassion. Sure, it's easy to lose sight of that fact as we listen to our little ones clamor for the hottest toys, tastiest treats, and trendiest clothes. But if we look closely, the signs are everywhere. Watch your 2-year-old stop to offer a wailing baby a comforting toy. Catch your 5-year-old consoling a pal who has just been walloped by a playground bully.
"Children naturally look for ways to make a contribution and help others," says Deborah Spaide, founder of Kids Care Clubs, a national organization based in New Canaan, CT, that provides information on community-service projects for youngsters. "But just as we give our children opportunities to use their legs when they're learning to walk, we need to give them opportunities to exercise their charitable muscles so they become really good at giving too."
The benefits of actively fostering children's charitable impulses are enormous. Besides helping counter the overdeveloped "gimme" impulse, it gives kids a powerful boost in self-esteem to realize they can make a difference in someone's life. "And as corny as it sounds," says Patricia Schiff Estess, a New York City writer and the author of Kids, Money & Values, "when you help a child help others, you are helping to create a better world." Here are the best ways to go about it.
Diane Harris is writing a book on women and finance.
BE HANDS-ON
Most people tend to associate charity with giving money. We write a check to our favorite cause, drop a few dollars in the basket at church, participate in school fund-raisers, and feel good about our efforts. But preadolescent children may have trouble understanding such an abstract concept as donating money to a worthy cause. "It's hard for kids to grasp that the money is going to, say, buy bread, which in turn will help feed ten homeless people," says Spaide. "Many children can't take the process that many steps forward in their minds."
Spaide encourages parents to let their children experience charitable giving firsthand. Even a preschooler can help a parent bag lunches for a soup kitchen, distribute socks to the people in a homeless shelter, or clean an elderly neighbor's yard. And as children grow, so do their opportunities for making a difference.
In choosing a project, try following your child's lead and interests. The more you let her direct the process, the greater the involvement she'll feel and the more she'll learn from the experience. Suppose your 6-year-old has expressed concern that poor children don't get enough toys. You might ask her if she can think of ways to collect and distribute toys to needy kids. Perhaps she'd like to do extra chores around the house to earn some money to buy the toys herself. Or she might suggest posting a sign in school to solicit toy donations from her classmates.
Of course, if your child is stuck for inspiration, there's nothing wrong with gently leading her to a worthy path. One book that's full of ideas for suitable projects: Spaide's Teaching Your Kids to Care. Also consider helping your child band together with friends to do good works by helping her launch a Kids Care Club.
PUT THEIR MONEY WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS
An allowance can be as handy a tool for fostering charity as it is for teaching other aspects of money management. Peggy Houser, a Denver financial planner and author of How to Teach Children About Money, advocates starting an allowance system as soon as your child starts school (or even earlier if you think he can handle it) and dividing the weekly dole into three parts, each clearly earmarked for a specific purpose: spending, saving, and sharing. Explain that the sharing portion is to be used for gifts to charity, and couple your explanation with a simple statement of your philosophy on the subject, such as "Our family believes it's important to share our good luck with people who are less fortunate."
The exact percentage of the allowance you apportion to charity doesn't matter; what is important is simply to incorporate giving into the child's budget. "The goal is to make giving money to those in need a routine," says Houser.
What you encourage your child to do with the money is key too. Instead of simply giving cash to a worthy organization once he has accumulated a reasonable amount, suggest that he use the money to buy a toy for a poor child or socks for a homeless person or some other item needed by someone in serious straits. Then take him to deliver it.
SEIZE THE MOMENT
You don't need to set aside a special time to talk about the importance and joy of giving. Opportunities pop up all the time. Passing a homeless person on the street, for example, might be a good occasion to talk about the fact that some families don't have enough money to pay for a place to live. Visiting an elderly or ailing relative might be the right moment to discuss how important it is to reach out to people in need. Says Spaide, "The idea isn't just to sensitize your child to some of the pain and suffering in the world, but to give her the great gift of thinking that she has the power to help make it better."
PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACHAs with everything else in life, kids learn best by example. You don't have to regale your child with tales of your charitable works or keep him glued to your side while you serve meals in a soup kitchen to prove that you care too. But neither should you hide everyday acts of kindness. If you're taking a meal to a friend who has just gotten out of the hospital, say so. If you help raise funds for worthy causes through your church, temple, or local community group, talk about it. If you give money to an organization you believe in, explain why doing so is important to you.
By talking about to whom and how you give, you not only show your kids the importance of giving itself, but you're sharing your values about the issues that matter most to your family—whether you're passionate about supporting the arts, cleaning up the environment, assisting the elderly, or helping to alleviate poverty and homelessness. Although some parents may worry about exposing young children to painful experiences that might haunt them later, Houser thinks the joy inherent in giving far outweighs any sadness they may encounter. She notes, "Kids can handle so much more than we give them credit for."
So can moms and dads. Busy parents who have found it hard to devote time to worthy causes outside their own homes may well discover that teaching their children to give back to the community is an ideal way to get back in touch with their own charitable impulses. "We call it trickle-up charity," says Spaide. "The effort starts with the kids, but the parents often get the biggest payoff of all."
Kelso's Choice Parent Page
https://kelsoschoice.com/free-resources/for-parents/
This is the page just for parents! Conflict can happen anywhere, especially at home, while playing with siblings, on road trips…the list goes on and on. Parents: use this page to learn more about Kelso’s Choice and how to implement it into the home!
kelso’s choice wheelKelso the frog teaches students how to solve “small” problems on their own. “Small” problems include conflicts that cause “small” feelings of annoyance, embarrassment, boredom, etc. “BIG problems” always need to be taken to an adult. These are situations that are scary, dangerous, illegal, etc.
Kelso has nine choices to solve “small problems.” These are illustrated in the Kelso’s Choice Wheel. They include:
k.c.’s wheelK.C.’s Wheel is for the preteens (grades 4-5) that may be a little too mature for Kelso’s Choice Wheel. There are “minor problems” that cause minor feelings of annoyance, embarrassment, boredom, etc. There are also “SERIOUS problems” that need to be taken to an adult. These are situations that are scary, dangerous, illegal, etc.
There are eight choices to solve “minor problems.” The choice “share and take turns” has been removed since, typically, at grades 4-5 this skill has been developed. There are “verbal choices” and “nonverbal choices” to solve “minor problems”:
verbal choices:
kelso’s choice wheelKelso the frog teaches students how to solve “small” problems on their own. “Small” problems include conflicts that cause “small” feelings of annoyance, embarrassment, boredom, etc. “BIG problems” always need to be taken to an adult. These are situations that are scary, dangerous, illegal, etc.
Kelso has nine choices to solve “small problems.” These are illustrated in the Kelso’s Choice Wheel. They include:
- Go to another game
- Talk it out
- Share and take turns
- Ignore it
- Walk away
- Tell them to stop
- Apologize
- Make a deal
- Wait and cool off
k.c.’s wheelK.C.’s Wheel is for the preteens (grades 4-5) that may be a little too mature for Kelso’s Choice Wheel. There are “minor problems” that cause minor feelings of annoyance, embarrassment, boredom, etc. There are also “SERIOUS problems” that need to be taken to an adult. These are situations that are scary, dangerous, illegal, etc.
There are eight choices to solve “minor problems.” The choice “share and take turns” has been removed since, typically, at grades 4-5 this skill has been developed. There are “verbal choices” and “nonverbal choices” to solve “minor problems”:
verbal choices:
- Make a Deal
- Tell them to stop
- Apologize
- Talk it out
- Wait and cool off
- Walk away
- Go to another game
- Ignore it
Just Breathe: The Importance of Meditation Breaks for Kids from healthychildren.org
Our kids' brains are tired, and children of all ages really need opportunities where they can take time out each day "unplugged" to relax and focus. Meditation offers this break and helps kids function more effectively and clearly.
Children today also have reportedly high stress levels. To help them take a break, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) encourages parents to share meditation with their children—and teachers to incorporate mindfulness training into their lesson plans.
The simple act of teaching children how to stop, focus, and just breathe could be one of the greatest gifts you give them.
Meditation Options for Children Meditative practices have been used since ancient times to improve health and well-being. But, just as an athlete may do different exercises, people who practice meditation often use different types.
The most common types of meditation practice are concentration, mindfulness, movement based, cultivating positive emotions, and emptying. There are specific examples and ways to practice each type. See table.
Many meditation practices use breathing techniques to promote a state of calm. Mindfulness meditation on breath, perhaps the most well-known type, involves sitting quietly, resting or closing your eyes and bringing your attention to your breath. When your attention drifts away, which it is likely to do, simply usher your attention back to your breath without judgment. You don't need years of meditative practice to benefit from this technique, nor do your children.
There's no doubt, however, that sitting still for any length of time can be difficult for some kids. For this reason, a movement-based meditation, such as yoga, may serve as a good introduction.
Research on the Benefits of Meditation in ChildrenMeditation is used to rest the mind, body and spirit. This, in turn, has many mental, physical, and spiritual benefits. Mindfulness meditation, specifically, is gaining a foothold in disease prevention and treatment.
A number of studies in school settings also show improved attention and behavior. Some research has shown benefits for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), anxiety, depression, school performance, sleep, behavior problems, and eating disorders. For example, a trial of 300 low-income, minority urban middle-schoolers using school-based mindfulness instruction led to improved psychological functioning and lower levels of posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) symptoms.
There are also physical benefits as it calms the nervous system and decreases stress hormones. Studies have shown benefits for gastrointestinal symptoms, obesity, headaches, high blood pressure, pain sensitivity, and immune function. For example, atrial looking at the effect of mindful breathing meditation at a summer camp of 166 teens at risk for cardiovascular disease found that breathing awareness produced a reduction in blood pressure and heart rate.
Meditation TipsMeditation does not have a set of rules, but there are some tips that can help.
Children today also have reportedly high stress levels. To help them take a break, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) encourages parents to share meditation with their children—and teachers to incorporate mindfulness training into their lesson plans.
The simple act of teaching children how to stop, focus, and just breathe could be one of the greatest gifts you give them.
Meditation Options for Children Meditative practices have been used since ancient times to improve health and well-being. But, just as an athlete may do different exercises, people who practice meditation often use different types.
The most common types of meditation practice are concentration, mindfulness, movement based, cultivating positive emotions, and emptying. There are specific examples and ways to practice each type. See table.
Many meditation practices use breathing techniques to promote a state of calm. Mindfulness meditation on breath, perhaps the most well-known type, involves sitting quietly, resting or closing your eyes and bringing your attention to your breath. When your attention drifts away, which it is likely to do, simply usher your attention back to your breath without judgment. You don't need years of meditative practice to benefit from this technique, nor do your children.
There's no doubt, however, that sitting still for any length of time can be difficult for some kids. For this reason, a movement-based meditation, such as yoga, may serve as a good introduction.
Research on the Benefits of Meditation in ChildrenMeditation is used to rest the mind, body and spirit. This, in turn, has many mental, physical, and spiritual benefits. Mindfulness meditation, specifically, is gaining a foothold in disease prevention and treatment.
A number of studies in school settings also show improved attention and behavior. Some research has shown benefits for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), anxiety, depression, school performance, sleep, behavior problems, and eating disorders. For example, a trial of 300 low-income, minority urban middle-schoolers using school-based mindfulness instruction led to improved psychological functioning and lower levels of posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) symptoms.
There are also physical benefits as it calms the nervous system and decreases stress hormones. Studies have shown benefits for gastrointestinal symptoms, obesity, headaches, high blood pressure, pain sensitivity, and immune function. For example, atrial looking at the effect of mindful breathing meditation at a summer camp of 166 teens at risk for cardiovascular disease found that breathing awareness produced a reduction in blood pressure and heart rate.
Meditation TipsMeditation does not have a set of rules, but there are some tips that can help.
- The length of time and frequency of meditating can vary for different people and different practices. But, pediatricians typically recommend the following time frames:
- Preschool children: A few minutes per day.
- Gradeschool children: 3-10 minutes twice a day.
- Teens and adults: 5-45 minutes per day or more based on preference.
- Preschool children: A few minutes per day.
- Try incorporating deep breathing into your children's daily bedtime routine—it can help them wind down for the night and make meditation easier to do when other situations arise.
- Remind gradeschoolers and teens to take a few deep breaths before answering a difficult question at school, taking a test, or before an athletic performance.
- As young children learn to manage strong emotions, deep breathing can be part of the process—especially before and after time outs.
- While meditation can be done on your own, it can also be done with the help of a trained professional. Some counselors and individuals with training in meditation can help others learn and practice meditation.
- Meditation is not currently covered by most insurance plans unless given by a licensed counselor. It is always best to check with your individual plan. Flexible medical spending programs may count meditation training as a medical expense.
- There are multiple ways to learn different practices of meditation. There are books, audio recordings, videos, online training, websites, and even smartphone apps to help children meditate. Choose and practice the one that works the best for you and your child, and enjoy a calmer body, mind and spirit.
Age-Appropriate Chores By Sheila Seifert
Ages 2 and 3
Personal chores
Note: This age can be trained to use a family chore chart.
Personal chores
Note: This age can be supervised to use a family chore chart.
Personal chores
Note: This age benefits from using a family chore chart.
Personal chores
Personal chores
Personal chores
Personal chores
Personal chores
- Assist in making their beds
- Pick up playthings with your supervision
- Take their dirty laundry to the laundry basket
- Fill a pet's water and food bowls (with supervision)
- Help a parent clean up spills and dirt
- Dust
Note: This age can be trained to use a family chore chart.
Personal chores
- Get dressed with minimal parental help
- Make their bed with minimal parental help
- Bring their things from the car to the house
- PIck up their toys
- Wash hands
- Set the table with supervision
- Clear the table with supervision
- Help a parent prepare food
- Help a parent carry in the lighter groceries
- Sort colors for the laundry
- Match socks after clothing is washed
- Answer the phone with parental assistance
- Be responsible for a pet's food and water bowl
- Hang up towels in the bathroom
- Clean floors with a dry mop
Note: This age can be supervised to use a family chore chart.
Personal chores
- Make their bed every day
- Brush teeth
- Comb hair
- Choose the day's outfit and get dressed
- Write thank you notes with supervision
- Be responsible for a pet's food, water and exercise
- Vacuum individual rooms
- Wet mop individual rooms
- Fold laundry with supervision
- Put their laundry in their drawers and closets
- Put away dishes from the dishwasher
- Help prepare food with supervision
- Empty indoor trash cans
- Answer the phone with supervision
Note: This age benefits from using a family chore chart.
Personal chores
- Take care of personal hygiene
- Keep bedroom clean
- Be responsible for homework
- Be responsible for belongings
- Write thank you notes for gifts
- Wake up using an alarm clock
- Wash dishes
- Wash the family car with supervision
- Prepare a few easy meals on their own
- Clean the bathroom with supervision
- Rake leaves
- Learn to use the washer and dryer
- Put all laundry away with supervision
- Take the trash can to the curb for pick up
- Test smoke alarms once a month with supervision
- Screen phone calls using caller ID and answer when appropriate
Personal chores
- Take care of personal hygiene, belongings and homework
- Write invitations and thank you notes
- Set their alarm clock
- Maintain personal items, such as recharging batteries
- Change bed sheets
- Keep their rooms tidy and do a biannual deep cleaning
- Change light bulbs
- Change the vacuum bag
- Dust, vacuum, clean bathrooms and do dishes
- Clean mirrors
- Mow the lawn with supervision
- Baby sit (in most states)
- Prepare an occasional family meal
Personal chores
- Responsible for all personal chores for ages 12 and 13
- Responsible for library card and books
- Do assigned housework without prompting
- Do yard work as needed
- Baby sit
- Prepare food — from making a grocery list and buying the items (with supervision) to serving a meal — occasionally
- Wash windows with supervision
Personal chores
- Responsible for all personal chores for ages 14 and 15
- Responsible to earn spending money
- Responsible for purchasing their own clothes
- Responsible for maintaining any car they drive (e.g., gas, oil changes, tire pressure, etc.)
- Do housework as needed
- Do yard work as needed
- Prepare family meals — from grocery list to serving it — as needed
- Deep cleaning of household appliances, such as defrosting the freezer, as needed
https://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/parenting-challenges/motivating-kids-to-clean-up/age-appropriate-chores
WHY HELPING AT HOME IS GOOD FOR KIDS By Andrew Trounson
There’s strong evidence that feeling useful builds resilience in children, but how much and what sort of work are modern parents asking kids to do?
Next time your child complains about chores, tell them it’s for their own good.
Giving children meaningful household tasks and the autonomy to complete them may be key to making them more resilient and capable in later life. But are we giving them enough opportunities to feel useful or are we leaving them on the shelf, wrapped in cotton wool?
In what promises to be the biggest online survey of what Australian kids are actually doing to help their families, University of Melbourne researchers have teamed with the ABC’s Behind the News program to ask the children themselves what chores they do and how they feel about helping out.
The survey will ask children how they really feel about household chores. Picture: iStockThe survey will be based on an expanded version of the program’s 2015 Happiness Survey that attracted almost 20,000 respondents. The results could lead to new recommendations on how parents, teachers and community services can better engage with children in building personal resilience given evidence that “required helpfulness” can foster self-esteem.
“We want to find out whether having jobs to do around the house and family helps children build their self-esteem and resilience by asking the kids what they do, how they feel about doing jobs, whether the chores are directed or self-driven, and what sort of satisfaction they experience from contributing,” says Associate Professor Lisa Gibbs, Director of the University’s Jack Brockhoff Child Health and Wellbeing Program within the Melbourne School of Population and Global Health.
“By asking the children themselves we can not only find out what is going on in families, but we can also uncover alternative possibilities based on what children say.”
AN INSIGHT INTO FAMILY RESILIENCE
Professor Gibbs, who has received crucial grant support from the Myer Foundation, says the project could also provide insight into family resilience.
“There is emerging evidence of the contribution children can make to preparedness and recovery in areas affected by disaster. Given the opportunity, children can make a meaningful contribution to family and community resilience.”
The idea that it is important to foster a child’s capacity to help others goes back to groundbreaking research published in the 1970s on the impact of the Great Depression on US families that suggested many kids thrive when the going gets tough.
By analysing longitudinal survey data, US sociologist Glen Elder discovered that among families hit by poverty during the Great Depression, people who were infants at the time, and so wholly dependent on adults, struggled throughout their later lives to overcome their circumstances.
But he found that those children who were aged 9-10 when the Depression hit and threw their families into poverty tended to instead do much better later in life. Importantly, they outperformed their peers whose families had been unscathed by the Depression. Professor Elder theorised that these children benefited from increased self-esteem by having to roll up their sleeves and help out.
US psychologist Emmy Werner’s groundbreaking longitudinal study of 698 infants born in 1955 went further. She tracked her participants through to the age of 40 and found that those who proved to be resilient in the face of hardships in their early lives also tended to be those who has been actively involved in “required helpfulness” during their middle childhood and adolescence.
But if required helpfulness helps build self-esteem and resilience, what then is happening with children now when most enjoy a standard of living that the Depression kids could only have dreamed of? Do we need to be providing more opportunities for children to feel useful and worthwhile? How much responsibility is too much?
CHANGING TIMESChild welfare expert and honorary professorial fellow in social work at the University of Melbourne, Professor Dorothy Scott, worries that modern Australian children may be missing out on the self-worth that comes from doing meaningful help for others. She notes that in the past the family was an economic unit in which everyone needed to work and contribute to keep food on the table.
But in the wake of the technological and digital revolutions, she argues that families are now units of “passive consumption”. She suggests modern children may be at risk of losing some of the resilience that appears to come from being useful and helping others.
“The historical shift in families is very clear. When the family was an economic unit, children were an important part of it. But now in our consumer society, children have only a minor role to play in terms of contributing to the household,” says Professor Scott, a former Foundation Chair in Child Protection and the Director of the Australian Centre for Child Protection at the University of South Australia.
“Positive psychology talks of resilience being related to factors like being part of something larger than yourself as an antidote to the passiveness that comes from a consumer society. The hypothesis is that by promoting required helpfulness and contributing to the wellbeing of others we might be able to help children build their own identity.
“That is why we need some contemporary research like this to ask children what they are doing in their daily lives. At the moment we don’t know how contemporary families work in this respect.”
Professor Scott says it would be interesting, for example, to know whether children are commonly receiving pocket money for doing jobs around the house and whether such pocket money is motivating them, or whether they are deriving satisfaction from simply helping.
HUGE ONLINE AUDIENCEThe idea for Behind the News to survey children on their happiness was initially a one-off initiative in 2015 that stemmed from Mental Health Week occurring during the October school holidays when the program wasn’t on air. Rather than just ignore it, the program decided to leverage the online interactivity of its audience to survey them and report on the results. They were inundated.
"The idea was to make mental health a positive thing for the kids to talk about because ordinarily mental health is a fairly difficult subject,” says Behind the News host Nathan Bazley. “We’d hoped to get maybe 8000 responses, but we received more than double that and I think that is because the kids were just really excited about giving feedback.”
Among the survey results, over half of respondents reported nearly always feeling happy but a quarter reported being worried all the time about the future and their families. Two-thirds reported having experienced being bullied, and 15 per cent reported often not feeling valued.
The results intrigued Associate Professor Gibbs and her team. They immediately recognised the potential of the huge survey pool Behind the News had generated if only more rigour could be added, such as seeking demographic information from the kids. For example, information such as postcode location can indicate socio-economic status.
When she proposed collaboration, Mr Bazley jumped at the chance to improve the survey and have research support to analyse the results. They are now looking at running an expanded survey every two years with the next one to run this year.
As part of further developing the survey, Professor Gibbs’ team will host workshop sessions with children at participating schools and sporting clubs to involve them as co-researchers by asking them what questions the researchers need to be asking, and getting their help in interpreting the results. There may also be opportunities for them to appear on Behind the News as ‘Rookie Reporters’, filing their own reports on the survey results.
“I’m really excited to see where we can go with the survey and the relationship with the University. Instead of having experts telling kids information, we can now have kids telling experts what they think, and that could be a powerful tool for making policymakers take notice of what kids are saying,” says Mr Bazley.
Professor Gibbs says health researchers can only dream of the kind of response that the Behind the News survey generated. “The level of access they have is extraordinary,” she says.
“The collaboration provides a great opportunity to gain an insight into children’s lives. Children have a unique and valuable perspective that is different from that of adults, but it isn’t often listened to.”
Professor Gibbs remembers researching recently with school children about how they thought childhood had changed compared to previous generations. She was surprised when children complained that their parents paid more attention to their phones, tablets or computers than to their kids.
“As child health researchers we can focus too much on what the kids are doing, rather than asking the kids what the adults are doing. When they told me the parents were always on devices I thought ‘yes, of course’, but it was only when they brought it up that it occurred to me.”
The question now is what kids think of helping out. Their answers may similarly surprise us.
Next time your child complains about chores, tell them it’s for their own good.
Giving children meaningful household tasks and the autonomy to complete them may be key to making them more resilient and capable in later life. But are we giving them enough opportunities to feel useful or are we leaving them on the shelf, wrapped in cotton wool?
In what promises to be the biggest online survey of what Australian kids are actually doing to help their families, University of Melbourne researchers have teamed with the ABC’s Behind the News program to ask the children themselves what chores they do and how they feel about helping out.
The survey will ask children how they really feel about household chores. Picture: iStockThe survey will be based on an expanded version of the program’s 2015 Happiness Survey that attracted almost 20,000 respondents. The results could lead to new recommendations on how parents, teachers and community services can better engage with children in building personal resilience given evidence that “required helpfulness” can foster self-esteem.
“We want to find out whether having jobs to do around the house and family helps children build their self-esteem and resilience by asking the kids what they do, how they feel about doing jobs, whether the chores are directed or self-driven, and what sort of satisfaction they experience from contributing,” says Associate Professor Lisa Gibbs, Director of the University’s Jack Brockhoff Child Health and Wellbeing Program within the Melbourne School of Population and Global Health.
“By asking the children themselves we can not only find out what is going on in families, but we can also uncover alternative possibilities based on what children say.”
AN INSIGHT INTO FAMILY RESILIENCE
Professor Gibbs, who has received crucial grant support from the Myer Foundation, says the project could also provide insight into family resilience.
“There is emerging evidence of the contribution children can make to preparedness and recovery in areas affected by disaster. Given the opportunity, children can make a meaningful contribution to family and community resilience.”
The idea that it is important to foster a child’s capacity to help others goes back to groundbreaking research published in the 1970s on the impact of the Great Depression on US families that suggested many kids thrive when the going gets tough.
By analysing longitudinal survey data, US sociologist Glen Elder discovered that among families hit by poverty during the Great Depression, people who were infants at the time, and so wholly dependent on adults, struggled throughout their later lives to overcome their circumstances.
But he found that those children who were aged 9-10 when the Depression hit and threw their families into poverty tended to instead do much better later in life. Importantly, they outperformed their peers whose families had been unscathed by the Depression. Professor Elder theorised that these children benefited from increased self-esteem by having to roll up their sleeves and help out.
US psychologist Emmy Werner’s groundbreaking longitudinal study of 698 infants born in 1955 went further. She tracked her participants through to the age of 40 and found that those who proved to be resilient in the face of hardships in their early lives also tended to be those who has been actively involved in “required helpfulness” during their middle childhood and adolescence.
But if required helpfulness helps build self-esteem and resilience, what then is happening with children now when most enjoy a standard of living that the Depression kids could only have dreamed of? Do we need to be providing more opportunities for children to feel useful and worthwhile? How much responsibility is too much?
CHANGING TIMESChild welfare expert and honorary professorial fellow in social work at the University of Melbourne, Professor Dorothy Scott, worries that modern Australian children may be missing out on the self-worth that comes from doing meaningful help for others. She notes that in the past the family was an economic unit in which everyone needed to work and contribute to keep food on the table.
But in the wake of the technological and digital revolutions, she argues that families are now units of “passive consumption”. She suggests modern children may be at risk of losing some of the resilience that appears to come from being useful and helping others.
“The historical shift in families is very clear. When the family was an economic unit, children were an important part of it. But now in our consumer society, children have only a minor role to play in terms of contributing to the household,” says Professor Scott, a former Foundation Chair in Child Protection and the Director of the Australian Centre for Child Protection at the University of South Australia.
“Positive psychology talks of resilience being related to factors like being part of something larger than yourself as an antidote to the passiveness that comes from a consumer society. The hypothesis is that by promoting required helpfulness and contributing to the wellbeing of others we might be able to help children build their own identity.
“That is why we need some contemporary research like this to ask children what they are doing in their daily lives. At the moment we don’t know how contemporary families work in this respect.”
Professor Scott says it would be interesting, for example, to know whether children are commonly receiving pocket money for doing jobs around the house and whether such pocket money is motivating them, or whether they are deriving satisfaction from simply helping.
HUGE ONLINE AUDIENCEThe idea for Behind the News to survey children on their happiness was initially a one-off initiative in 2015 that stemmed from Mental Health Week occurring during the October school holidays when the program wasn’t on air. Rather than just ignore it, the program decided to leverage the online interactivity of its audience to survey them and report on the results. They were inundated.
"The idea was to make mental health a positive thing for the kids to talk about because ordinarily mental health is a fairly difficult subject,” says Behind the News host Nathan Bazley. “We’d hoped to get maybe 8000 responses, but we received more than double that and I think that is because the kids were just really excited about giving feedback.”
Among the survey results, over half of respondents reported nearly always feeling happy but a quarter reported being worried all the time about the future and their families. Two-thirds reported having experienced being bullied, and 15 per cent reported often not feeling valued.
The results intrigued Associate Professor Gibbs and her team. They immediately recognised the potential of the huge survey pool Behind the News had generated if only more rigour could be added, such as seeking demographic information from the kids. For example, information such as postcode location can indicate socio-economic status.
When she proposed collaboration, Mr Bazley jumped at the chance to improve the survey and have research support to analyse the results. They are now looking at running an expanded survey every two years with the next one to run this year.
As part of further developing the survey, Professor Gibbs’ team will host workshop sessions with children at participating schools and sporting clubs to involve them as co-researchers by asking them what questions the researchers need to be asking, and getting their help in interpreting the results. There may also be opportunities for them to appear on Behind the News as ‘Rookie Reporters’, filing their own reports on the survey results.
“I’m really excited to see where we can go with the survey and the relationship with the University. Instead of having experts telling kids information, we can now have kids telling experts what they think, and that could be a powerful tool for making policymakers take notice of what kids are saying,” says Mr Bazley.
Professor Gibbs says health researchers can only dream of the kind of response that the Behind the News survey generated. “The level of access they have is extraordinary,” she says.
“The collaboration provides a great opportunity to gain an insight into children’s lives. Children have a unique and valuable perspective that is different from that of adults, but it isn’t often listened to.”
Professor Gibbs remembers researching recently with school children about how they thought childhood had changed compared to previous generations. She was surprised when children complained that their parents paid more attention to their phones, tablets or computers than to their kids.
“As child health researchers we can focus too much on what the kids are doing, rather than asking the kids what the adults are doing. When they told me the parents were always on devices I thought ‘yes, of course’, but it was only when they brought it up that it occurred to me.”
The question now is what kids think of helping out. Their answers may similarly surprise us.
How to Help Your Child Set and Reach Goals By Katie Hurley, LCSW
My daughter has big dreams of becoming a champion Irish dancer one day. More than anything, she wants to dance at Worlds. I don’t think she dreams of becoming the #1 Irish dancer in the world, but she does want to have the experience. This, however, is a very long-term goal. This is not the kind of goal that can be reached in one year, and she is the only one who can make this dream a reality.
One of the benefits of such a long-term goal is that it helps her learn to set appropriate benchmarks. Each year brings a new sub-goal along the path to champion. Last year she wanted to move up a level in all of her dances. This year she’s ready to move up another level.
The other benefit of setting long-term goals is that it helps kids build resilience and cope with setbacks. Sometimes my daughter finds herself on a roll — moving though the level quickly. Other times, she faces failure and has to figure out what to change. Teaching kids to establish and work toward goals has many benefits.
With that in mind, below is your six-step guide to helping your kids set and reach their goals this year.
1. Confront unrealistic goals. Sometimes kids choose goals so big or so out of their element that it’s nearly impossible to meet them. When my daughter first set her goal of becoming a champion, we had a long talk about the difference between long-term and short-term goals.
If your cat-allergic child sets a goal of getting a cat, it’s time to have a reality check. If your little basketball player identifies the NBA as his goal, help him set a more attainable and age-appropriate version of the goal for this year.
Encourage your kids to choose goals that are realistic. Whatever the goal your child sets, be sure that your child came up with the goal. If you want your child to follow through, the goal has to have meaning to your child.
2. Choose just-out-of-reach goals. Everyone enjoys feeling successful after meeting a goal. That’s natural. Sometimes kids stay well within their comfort zone in an effort to ensure success. The great thing about setting goals is that we learn to reach. We strive for something new. We might not meet a goal in the time allotted, but we might get very close. There’s value in trying. We have to teach kids to try.
Encourage your kids to choose goals that are attainable but also just out of reach. In doing so, they learn to push themselves to meet a new challenge versus hiding out in the comfort zone.
3. Set specific goals. A good goal is a specific goal. Kids love to generalize when it comes to setting goals. They might say things like, “I want to be the best basketball player on my team.” But what does that mean? How can that be measured?
Ask your child to brainstorm more specific goals that can actually be measured (“I want to score two baskets each game,” for example).
4. Break it down. One of the reasons that goals and resolutions can be so hard to keep is that often they feel huge and it’s hard to know where to begin.
Teach your kids to break their goals into smaller, manageable steps. My daughter, for example, is focusing on moving up a level in one dance at a time. That gives her a focus within the goal, and she knows where to begin and what she needs to do to reach it.
5. Set up checkpoints. I often encourage kids to use a poster board to map out their goals. On the top of the poster, they write the main goal for the year. Underneath, they write the steps they can take along the way to reach the goal. With a visual aid in place, they can check in on their goals monthly (or weekly) and check off steps as they accomplish them.
It’s important to encourage your child to establish his own checkpoint system. Some kids like to review their goals every week, while others prefer longer periods of time to work on the steps. For kids to learn to set and meet their own goals, they need to develop systems that actually work for them.
6. Make it a family plan. When families make goal setting a family effort, they learn to support each other. This fosters a family environment based on cooperation instead of one grounded in competition. It also reinforces the fact that although all people are individuals with their own unique interests, we can all work together and provide support and help when needed.
It also adds some family fun to the process of learning to set and meet goals!
One of the benefits of such a long-term goal is that it helps her learn to set appropriate benchmarks. Each year brings a new sub-goal along the path to champion. Last year she wanted to move up a level in all of her dances. This year she’s ready to move up another level.
The other benefit of setting long-term goals is that it helps kids build resilience and cope with setbacks. Sometimes my daughter finds herself on a roll — moving though the level quickly. Other times, she faces failure and has to figure out what to change. Teaching kids to establish and work toward goals has many benefits.
- Responsibility: Success or failure depends on what they put into it.
- Time management: Kids learn how to manage their time to meet their goals.
- Self Confidence: Nothing beats the feeling of meeting your own goal.
- Resilience: Kids learn to cope with the small setbacks that might stand in their way.
- Perseverance: They learn to keep trying and rework their steps until they meet their goals.
With that in mind, below is your six-step guide to helping your kids set and reach their goals this year.
1. Confront unrealistic goals. Sometimes kids choose goals so big or so out of their element that it’s nearly impossible to meet them. When my daughter first set her goal of becoming a champion, we had a long talk about the difference between long-term and short-term goals.
If your cat-allergic child sets a goal of getting a cat, it’s time to have a reality check. If your little basketball player identifies the NBA as his goal, help him set a more attainable and age-appropriate version of the goal for this year.
Encourage your kids to choose goals that are realistic. Whatever the goal your child sets, be sure that your child came up with the goal. If you want your child to follow through, the goal has to have meaning to your child.
2. Choose just-out-of-reach goals. Everyone enjoys feeling successful after meeting a goal. That’s natural. Sometimes kids stay well within their comfort zone in an effort to ensure success. The great thing about setting goals is that we learn to reach. We strive for something new. We might not meet a goal in the time allotted, but we might get very close. There’s value in trying. We have to teach kids to try.
Encourage your kids to choose goals that are attainable but also just out of reach. In doing so, they learn to push themselves to meet a new challenge versus hiding out in the comfort zone.
3. Set specific goals. A good goal is a specific goal. Kids love to generalize when it comes to setting goals. They might say things like, “I want to be the best basketball player on my team.” But what does that mean? How can that be measured?
Ask your child to brainstorm more specific goals that can actually be measured (“I want to score two baskets each game,” for example).
4. Break it down. One of the reasons that goals and resolutions can be so hard to keep is that often they feel huge and it’s hard to know where to begin.
Teach your kids to break their goals into smaller, manageable steps. My daughter, for example, is focusing on moving up a level in one dance at a time. That gives her a focus within the goal, and she knows where to begin and what she needs to do to reach it.
5. Set up checkpoints. I often encourage kids to use a poster board to map out their goals. On the top of the poster, they write the main goal for the year. Underneath, they write the steps they can take along the way to reach the goal. With a visual aid in place, they can check in on their goals monthly (or weekly) and check off steps as they accomplish them.
It’s important to encourage your child to establish his own checkpoint system. Some kids like to review their goals every week, while others prefer longer periods of time to work on the steps. For kids to learn to set and meet their own goals, they need to develop systems that actually work for them.
6. Make it a family plan. When families make goal setting a family effort, they learn to support each other. This fosters a family environment based on cooperation instead of one grounded in competition. It also reinforces the fact that although all people are individuals with their own unique interests, we can all work together and provide support and help when needed.
It also adds some family fun to the process of learning to set and meet goals!
How to talk careers with your child
Some tips on good ways to talk careers with your child.
What's on this page?
Choosing the right time to talk will help you connect with your child
Introducing careersTalking careers with your child is best when you're both relaxed.
What to avoid
In the carThe car can be a less intense place to have a career chat. Questions you could ask:
Instead, some possible starters for conversations could be:
You don't have to make the decision for them, but ask open-ended questions like:
Possible questions you could ask your child's friends:
What's on this page?
- Helpful tips for talking careers with your child
- What are good times to talk careers with my child?
- Skills and abilities that will help you engage with your child
Choosing the right time to talk will help you connect with your child
Introducing careersTalking careers with your child is best when you're both relaxed.
- Start with general talk about their school day, or their sports and hobbies.
- Ask questions about what subjects they like, their interests, personal values and what they think they're good at.
- Give positive feedback and explore your child's answers. Would your child like a career that is related to their favourite subjects or interests?
- If your child has a dream in mind, talk more about this dream. What does your child know about how to get this career?
- Discuss what your child wants from their career. Attitudes towards money, security or self-development may help to identify career options.
- If your child is unsure, reassure them by saying you believe in them, and help them to research options.
What to avoid
- Don’t impose your ideas - instead ask questions to clarify an issue. For example, “This is a desk job, but you said that you would like to meet different people all the time. Does that matter?”
- Don't discourage your child with comments such as "That's not right for you". This will push them away. Instead, explore the reasoning behind their career decision, and help them find out for themselves if it is the right choice.
- Don't push the conversation if your child is not responding, try another time instead. It's also good to let your child know that you're always available to talk if they need you.
- Subject Matcher - get job suggestions relating to school subjects
- CareerQuest - find job suggestions based on your interests
- Skill Matcher - get job ideas based on your skills
In the carThe car can be a less intense place to have a career chat. Questions you could ask:
- "If you could do any job in the world, what would it be?"
- "What would you like to do after you finish school?"
- Police Ten 7: "Wow, the police have to deal with some difficult people. I'm not sure I could do that job. What do you think?"
- Shortland Street: "I think this show gives you the wrong idea about what doctors and nurses actually do. I think everyone interested in these jobs should do some real-life work experience."
- Border Control: "I wonder what you need to do to become a dog handler?"
- "The kid next door is starting an apprenticeship in carpet laying next year. I wonder how he got that idea?"
- "My parents talked me into being a teacher, but I would rather have tried landscaping. Hey, I might still do that!"
- "It can be scary to think you have to do the same job all your life. I know a lot of people who managed to do well after changing careers. Some have tried several different jobs."
Instead, some possible starters for conversations could be:
- "Wouldn't it be great to have a job outdoors? Especially on a day like today."
- "Being sporty helps make up for spending all week behind a desk!"
You don't have to make the decision for them, but ask open-ended questions like:
- "What subjects do you like doing? Why?"
- "What types of jobs can your favourite subject lead to?"
- "What's your dream job? What sorts of subjects would you need to do that?"
- "It's OK that you haven't decided what to do after school yet. Maybe you should keep your subject choices broad, to give you more options later."
- Jobs database - look up specific jobs to see what secondary subjects are useful
- Choosing school subjects - tips and advice to help young people with subject choices
Possible questions you could ask your child's friends:
- "What are your favourite subjects? Why?"
- "What are your plans after you're done with school?"
- "Have you guys done any work experience before? What did you think about it? Do you reckon it's a good way to see if you'd like a job?"
- Listening - be patient and try to avoid correcting your child, or rushing into solutions. Your child may just want to talk without getting answers.
- Guiding - make suggestions and offer advice. Don’t force them into anything as this may push them away.
- Questioning - ask questions that will help your children to clarify their interests, sports, hobbies and academic subjects.
- Linking ideas - help your child to see links between their skills, interests and jobs.
- Encouraging - let your child know that you are there to support and help them in whatever way they need.
Tips for Encouraging Girls in STEM
SciGirls believes that families are partners in helping girls to pursue STEM studies. This list contains strategies and practical tips to help you encourage your girl to be STEMsational!
Why is STEM education so important?
Careers
Women only represent 26% of the STEM workforce. Encouraging women and others who are underrepresented to enter these fields will ultimately improve these professions, maximizing innovation to create products and services that are better representative of all users. In addition, jobs in these areas offer higher than average salaries, and employment in STEM occupations are expected to increase much faster than the overall growth rate for occupations.
Life Skills
At the most basic level, STEM attempts to answer how things work. The scientific and engineering processes offer a framework for understanding important ideas, big and small. In addition, while using these processes, young people learn how to plan, cooperate, communicate, problem solve, and apply their creativity.
Science Literacy
In today’s society, it’s important for everyone to have basic scientific knowledge to continue to learn and to make informed decisions. Even if your girl chooses to go into another field, a foundation in STEM studies will serve her well in the future. Science literacy gives us a sense of empowerment to make a difference in our community and the world!
Springboard for Opportunities
New technologies are being invented every day; it’s impossible to anticipate what inventions may drive our culture in the next five or ten years. A strong foundation in STEM topics will open doors for career opportunities we don’t even know about yet. The workforce is changing quickly and new jobs that don’t even exist will be available to your girl. Being confident in STEM will help prepare her for possible opportunities.
Fun Times!
While pursuing their own interests in STEM topics, young people can try new things, meet engaging people, and go to interesting places. Programs like SciGirls can provide fun, engaging STEM activities that differ from the formal classroom setting. Activities such as designing a scientific investigation, creating a solution to a technical problem or visiting with a female scientist or engineer can inspire girls and allow them to see STEM in a different light.
How can you support her in STEM?
Invite Questions
Encourage your girl’s natural curiosity about the world. Scientists and engineers are professional question askers and problem solvers. Let your girl know that it’s perfectly acceptable not to have all the answers, and encourage her to explore and discover! Celebrate all attempts at trying new things. Even if you aren’t comfortable with STEM, be positive.
Encourage her to Pursue STEM in School
Expect girls to do well in STEM and communicate your expectations clearly. With the growing importance of science and technological literacy, it is important to spark and strengthen girls’ engagement, interest, and confidence in STEM subjects in elementary and middle school. Once in high school, your girl will make choices that will either open or close doors to STEM studies and career choices. Having a strong knowledge base in STEM topics will give your girl the opportunity to access any career path she chooses, with confidence. Help her see the connections between STEM classes and future career options. Start early!
Help Access STEM Opportunities
Great STEM learning opportunities can be found outside the classroom. Learning opportunities for kids can be found at science museums, zoos, scouting organizations, and STEM clubs during after-school hours, weekends, and summer breaks. These programs often provide girls with introductions to working female mentors who can help girls navigate the course of becoming a scientist or engineer.
Connect her to a Role Model/Mentor
Seeing women who have succeeded in STEM helps inspire and motivate girls, especially when they can relate to these role models as people with lives outside of work. Role models and mentors not only broaden girls’ views of who does science, but expand girls’ vision of what’s possible in their own lives. You can share role models with your girl by reading biographies, looking at video and text profiles online and watching tv shows (fictional and documentary) that feature female STEM role models. Talk with family, neighbors, friends and community members that work in STEM fields and ask them questions about what they do and how they got there.
Why is STEM education so important?
Careers
Women only represent 26% of the STEM workforce. Encouraging women and others who are underrepresented to enter these fields will ultimately improve these professions, maximizing innovation to create products and services that are better representative of all users. In addition, jobs in these areas offer higher than average salaries, and employment in STEM occupations are expected to increase much faster than the overall growth rate for occupations.
Life Skills
At the most basic level, STEM attempts to answer how things work. The scientific and engineering processes offer a framework for understanding important ideas, big and small. In addition, while using these processes, young people learn how to plan, cooperate, communicate, problem solve, and apply their creativity.
Science Literacy
In today’s society, it’s important for everyone to have basic scientific knowledge to continue to learn and to make informed decisions. Even if your girl chooses to go into another field, a foundation in STEM studies will serve her well in the future. Science literacy gives us a sense of empowerment to make a difference in our community and the world!
Springboard for Opportunities
New technologies are being invented every day; it’s impossible to anticipate what inventions may drive our culture in the next five or ten years. A strong foundation in STEM topics will open doors for career opportunities we don’t even know about yet. The workforce is changing quickly and new jobs that don’t even exist will be available to your girl. Being confident in STEM will help prepare her for possible opportunities.
Fun Times!
While pursuing their own interests in STEM topics, young people can try new things, meet engaging people, and go to interesting places. Programs like SciGirls can provide fun, engaging STEM activities that differ from the formal classroom setting. Activities such as designing a scientific investigation, creating a solution to a technical problem or visiting with a female scientist or engineer can inspire girls and allow them to see STEM in a different light.
How can you support her in STEM?
Invite Questions
Encourage your girl’s natural curiosity about the world. Scientists and engineers are professional question askers and problem solvers. Let your girl know that it’s perfectly acceptable not to have all the answers, and encourage her to explore and discover! Celebrate all attempts at trying new things. Even if you aren’t comfortable with STEM, be positive.
Encourage her to Pursue STEM in School
Expect girls to do well in STEM and communicate your expectations clearly. With the growing importance of science and technological literacy, it is important to spark and strengthen girls’ engagement, interest, and confidence in STEM subjects in elementary and middle school. Once in high school, your girl will make choices that will either open or close doors to STEM studies and career choices. Having a strong knowledge base in STEM topics will give your girl the opportunity to access any career path she chooses, with confidence. Help her see the connections between STEM classes and future career options. Start early!
Help Access STEM Opportunities
Great STEM learning opportunities can be found outside the classroom. Learning opportunities for kids can be found at science museums, zoos, scouting organizations, and STEM clubs during after-school hours, weekends, and summer breaks. These programs often provide girls with introductions to working female mentors who can help girls navigate the course of becoming a scientist or engineer.
Connect her to a Role Model/Mentor
Seeing women who have succeeded in STEM helps inspire and motivate girls, especially when they can relate to these role models as people with lives outside of work. Role models and mentors not only broaden girls’ views of who does science, but expand girls’ vision of what’s possible in their own lives. You can share role models with your girl by reading biographies, looking at video and text profiles online and watching tv shows (fictional and documentary) that feature female STEM role models. Talk with family, neighbors, friends and community members that work in STEM fields and ask them questions about what they do and how they got there.
Teaching Children Gift Etiquette By Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.
Jocey, one of the parents in my parent group, was mortified. Her mother-in-law had given her 8-year-old son a toy fire truck. Instead of saying “thank you,” the boy looked at it and said something like, “That’s for babies. I don’t like trucks” and tossed it back in the box.
Her story reminded me of the time that my kids’ favorite uncle gave my then-3-year-old son a two-foot battery-driven robot with blazing red eyes. My son backed up warily as the thing jerked across the floor. Terrified, he burst into tears.
My brother-in-law was hurt and upset. His extravagant gift had flopped. After some comforting and explaining by his uncle, my son saved the day by naming the monster “Bwent” and tying his beloved blanket around it to make it softer.
Both Jocey’s son and mine are sweet kids. They didn’t mean to be mean or ungrateful. Their reactions were honest kid reactions. Neither Jocey nor I had thought to teach our kids how to handle it when they didn’t like a gift. It just hadn’t come up.
Some of the other parents in the group admitted this was something they hadn’t thought much about either. Other than prompting their kids to say “thank you” when they were given something, they hadn’t spelled out the ins and outs of how to accept a gift despite it being not quite what was wanted. How do we help kids show gratitude when they’re not grateful? What can we teach them about caring more about the relationship than the gift?
One mom ventured a question: “How do we teach a kid to be honest yet tell her to fib about being grateful when Grandma gave her an ugly puce sweater that is two sizes too big?” Good question. The answer is embedded in our cultural ideas about the necessity of some white lies to keep relationships running smoothly.
It’s up to us to explain to our children that there is a difference between lying outright and telling small fibs that spare another person’s feelings. Lying is intended to hurt someone, to get something at another’s expense, to manipulate people or to avoid a responsibility. White lies, little fibs that aren’t manipulative or hurtful in any way, are sometimes a way to be nice. They help people feel good and get along with each other.
We sometimes say, for example, that we like the shirt that is our friend’s favorite when we really don’t; that it’s no trouble to do something when it really is; or that a meal we’re served at a relative’s home is delicious when it’s not something we like. The sweater Grandma made may be ugly but the effort to make it was beautiful. It’s only loving to tell her that puce is our favorite color — and then stow it in the bottom drawer until she visits again. These are the kinds of white lies that make the social world go round.
It’s a big moral concept. But most children do get it when an adult takes the time to explain it with some concrete examples on their age level.
The group agreed that handling disappointment and being kind to a gift giver are important social skills. Up until age 3, “thank you” is a rote response the kids learn from adults. From somewhere between ages 3 and 4 on up, kids can be taught the meaning of gratitude and can learn how to be gracious despite disappointment (at least most of the time). The group brainstormed the following points for the etiquette lessons, adapting them to the age and stage of the child:
Her story reminded me of the time that my kids’ favorite uncle gave my then-3-year-old son a two-foot battery-driven robot with blazing red eyes. My son backed up warily as the thing jerked across the floor. Terrified, he burst into tears.
My brother-in-law was hurt and upset. His extravagant gift had flopped. After some comforting and explaining by his uncle, my son saved the day by naming the monster “Bwent” and tying his beloved blanket around it to make it softer.
Both Jocey’s son and mine are sweet kids. They didn’t mean to be mean or ungrateful. Their reactions were honest kid reactions. Neither Jocey nor I had thought to teach our kids how to handle it when they didn’t like a gift. It just hadn’t come up.
Some of the other parents in the group admitted this was something they hadn’t thought much about either. Other than prompting their kids to say “thank you” when they were given something, they hadn’t spelled out the ins and outs of how to accept a gift despite it being not quite what was wanted. How do we help kids show gratitude when they’re not grateful? What can we teach them about caring more about the relationship than the gift?
One mom ventured a question: “How do we teach a kid to be honest yet tell her to fib about being grateful when Grandma gave her an ugly puce sweater that is two sizes too big?” Good question. The answer is embedded in our cultural ideas about the necessity of some white lies to keep relationships running smoothly.
It’s up to us to explain to our children that there is a difference between lying outright and telling small fibs that spare another person’s feelings. Lying is intended to hurt someone, to get something at another’s expense, to manipulate people or to avoid a responsibility. White lies, little fibs that aren’t manipulative or hurtful in any way, are sometimes a way to be nice. They help people feel good and get along with each other.
We sometimes say, for example, that we like the shirt that is our friend’s favorite when we really don’t; that it’s no trouble to do something when it really is; or that a meal we’re served at a relative’s home is delicious when it’s not something we like. The sweater Grandma made may be ugly but the effort to make it was beautiful. It’s only loving to tell her that puce is our favorite color — and then stow it in the bottom drawer until she visits again. These are the kinds of white lies that make the social world go round.
It’s a big moral concept. But most children do get it when an adult takes the time to explain it with some concrete examples on their age level.
The group agreed that handling disappointment and being kind to a gift giver are important social skills. Up until age 3, “thank you” is a rote response the kids learn from adults. From somewhere between ages 3 and 4 on up, kids can be taught the meaning of gratitude and can learn how to be gracious despite disappointment (at least most of the time). The group brainstormed the following points for the etiquette lessons, adapting them to the age and stage of the child:
- Be sure the adults model gratitude and courtesy.It’s impossible to teach children to be gracious if they are watching their parents and other role models behave badly. Raising children well often means cleaning up our own acts. When we remember to regularly say please and thank you and demonstrate our gratitude both for the gifts we receive and the givers who enrich our lives by their very presence, we provide our children with powerful lessons in both politeness and love. When we thank our children for presents they give us — whether it is a drawing they made or something they purchased — we show them how good it makes people feel to be appreciated.
- Talk to your child about what giving is all about. Ideally, it is an act of love and caring. It’s a way people say, “You’re special to me. I want to make you happy.” Even when a gift is a disappointment, the intention was to please.
- Kids as young as 5 can learn to figure out something positive to say about a disappointing gift.Finding a reason to be grateful when it would be so much easier to get upset is an invaluable life skill. At age 8, Jocey’s son could have said, “I’ll like playing with this fire truck with my little brother.” (At only 3, my son was too young to be that sophisticated when confronted with the robot though he surprised us all by finding a way to make it less scary.) Give your kids some practice by imagining together some outrageous “gifts” and thinking about what positive things they could say to compliment the gift or the giver.
- Teach them that if they can’t find something to like about the gift, they can always focus on the love. Someone loved them enough to think about what to get, to go to the store to buy it, and to wrap it up and deliver it. They can always tell the person that it makes them feel good and special that someone went to all that trouble.
- Emphasize that it’s never, ever, okay to hurt the giver’s feelings. They mustn’t poke fun at the gift or embarrass the giver — even if the giver isn’t there to hear it. Laughing at another’s expense isn’t being funny. It’s just unkind. If those unkind comments get back to the person, it can damage the relationship.
- Reassure your children that if they really, honestly don’t like a gift, they can quietly come to you later to talk about it. Often gifts can be exchanged or a parent can tactfully help the giver better understand what would be a better choice at another time. And sometimes at least, what at first seemed like the most inappropriate, useless gift ever can become a dear reminder of the person who gave it.
6 Tips To Prevent Air Pollution From Causing Childhood Asthma
According to the EPA, 1-in-10 American kids have childhood asthma, and the 7 million total is growing yearly.
The statistics also show that 57% of these children suffer from an asthma attack each year. These attacks can be dangerous and even life-threatening.
Children who have asthma are sensitive to certain things in the air which can trigger an attack. Most people are aware that an asthma attack can be caused by an allergic reaction from breathing in pollen, dust, or cigarette smoke.
However, many don’t realize that air pollution also plays an important role in the risk of asthma in children.
Ozone and Air Particle PollutionOzone pollution is often referred to as smog. Smog is formed from the pollutants released into the air by sources such as automobile exhaust, factories, and power plants. Smog can sometimes be seen as a smoky fog or haze and is most prevalent in major cities with large amounts of traffic, as traffic is the most prominent source of the pollutants that cause smog.
Air particle pollution is made up of tiny particles of pollutants that are released into the air. Some common examples of particles that make their way into the air are dust, dirt, soot, and smoke.
Breathing in these particles can be harmful for your lungs and some smaller particles can even work their way into your blood stream.
Air particle pollution can occur indoors and outdoors, though the pollution levels are usually much lower indoors.
Always Check Air Quality Before Moving!Ozone and air particle pollution is especially dangerous to children with asthma, as breathing in these pollutants can trigger an attack.
For this reason, it is important that in addition to checking out things such as the school system and crime rate, you also consider the level of air quality when deciding to move to a new area.
You can check the American Lung Association’s list of most polluted cities in 2017 to see how yours measures up.
6 Tips to Protect Your Child From Air PollutantsThere are many things you can do to protect your family from unhealthy air and to help prevent asthma in your child.
Following these tips can help protect your children from the dangers of pollution in the air.
1. Stay up-to-date on the pollution levels in your area.There are several ways to check the pollution levels in your area on a daily or weekly basis.
You can check your local radio, news station, and newspaper or you can visit airnow.gov.
Knowing when air pollution is high in your area can help you take control of how much time your children spend breathing it in.
2. Don’t play outside on days of heavy pollution.Keep play indoors on days when pollution is high in order to protect your children’s lungs from harmful pollutants.
A game of indoor hide and seek can be fun and allow your child to get exercise while breathing more healthy air.
3. Avoid spending time outdoors near high traffic areas.Walking to the store instead of taking the bus can seem like a healthy decision for you and your child, but if the route will take you through high traffic areas then you are probably better off riding there.
This is because exercise causes you to breathe in more air, and if that air is full of pollutants from automobile exhaust it can do more harm than good.
4. Get involved with your child’s school.Consider encouraging your child’s school to help reduce air pollution by monitoring the amount of time their school buses are left to idle and by educating students on the benefits of green alternatives for energy.
5. Reduce how often you drive.If your route will take you away from high traffic areas, consider having your family walk or bike to your destination instead of driving.
Also, consider using more transit transportation systems such as buses or subways to avoid adding another car emitting exhaust to the road.
6. Don’t smoke indoors.Secondhand smoke is harmful for everyone, but even more so for children. Secondhand smoke is an air pollutant that can linger in the air indoors and is a common cause of more frequent and severe asthma attacks in children.
Even if a cigarette is smoked indoors when a child is not around, the harmful particles will remain in the air where they can breathe them in later.
Ozone and air particle pollution pose a major health risk to children.
One of the best things we can do is to become active in supporting causes that are actively working at the state and national levels to clean up the environment.
In doing so, we can help keep it clean and healthy for many generations to come.
The statistics also show that 57% of these children suffer from an asthma attack each year. These attacks can be dangerous and even life-threatening.
Children who have asthma are sensitive to certain things in the air which can trigger an attack. Most people are aware that an asthma attack can be caused by an allergic reaction from breathing in pollen, dust, or cigarette smoke.
However, many don’t realize that air pollution also plays an important role in the risk of asthma in children.
Ozone and Air Particle PollutionOzone pollution is often referred to as smog. Smog is formed from the pollutants released into the air by sources such as automobile exhaust, factories, and power plants. Smog can sometimes be seen as a smoky fog or haze and is most prevalent in major cities with large amounts of traffic, as traffic is the most prominent source of the pollutants that cause smog.
Air particle pollution is made up of tiny particles of pollutants that are released into the air. Some common examples of particles that make their way into the air are dust, dirt, soot, and smoke.
Breathing in these particles can be harmful for your lungs and some smaller particles can even work their way into your blood stream.
Air particle pollution can occur indoors and outdoors, though the pollution levels are usually much lower indoors.
Always Check Air Quality Before Moving!Ozone and air particle pollution is especially dangerous to children with asthma, as breathing in these pollutants can trigger an attack.
For this reason, it is important that in addition to checking out things such as the school system and crime rate, you also consider the level of air quality when deciding to move to a new area.
You can check the American Lung Association’s list of most polluted cities in 2017 to see how yours measures up.
6 Tips to Protect Your Child From Air PollutantsThere are many things you can do to protect your family from unhealthy air and to help prevent asthma in your child.
Following these tips can help protect your children from the dangers of pollution in the air.
1. Stay up-to-date on the pollution levels in your area.There are several ways to check the pollution levels in your area on a daily or weekly basis.
You can check your local radio, news station, and newspaper or you can visit airnow.gov.
Knowing when air pollution is high in your area can help you take control of how much time your children spend breathing it in.
2. Don’t play outside on days of heavy pollution.Keep play indoors on days when pollution is high in order to protect your children’s lungs from harmful pollutants.
A game of indoor hide and seek can be fun and allow your child to get exercise while breathing more healthy air.
3. Avoid spending time outdoors near high traffic areas.Walking to the store instead of taking the bus can seem like a healthy decision for you and your child, but if the route will take you through high traffic areas then you are probably better off riding there.
This is because exercise causes you to breathe in more air, and if that air is full of pollutants from automobile exhaust it can do more harm than good.
4. Get involved with your child’s school.Consider encouraging your child’s school to help reduce air pollution by monitoring the amount of time their school buses are left to idle and by educating students on the benefits of green alternatives for energy.
5. Reduce how often you drive.If your route will take you away from high traffic areas, consider having your family walk or bike to your destination instead of driving.
Also, consider using more transit transportation systems such as buses or subways to avoid adding another car emitting exhaust to the road.
6. Don’t smoke indoors.Secondhand smoke is harmful for everyone, but even more so for children. Secondhand smoke is an air pollutant that can linger in the air indoors and is a common cause of more frequent and severe asthma attacks in children.
Even if a cigarette is smoked indoors when a child is not around, the harmful particles will remain in the air where they can breathe them in later.
Ozone and air particle pollution pose a major health risk to children.
One of the best things we can do is to become active in supporting causes that are actively working at the state and national levels to clean up the environment.
In doing so, we can help keep it clean and healthy for many generations to come.
Helping Middle Schoolers Navigate Their Social Lives
While middle school may be a time when some girls turn to their parents less and less for emotional support, they still want it and still need to know you care. Here are some ways to help them figure out their social lives.
Validate your daughter’s feelings. “Find times to be available for her to talk about what’s going on — even if she acts like she doesn’t want to,” says Catherine Steiner-Adair. “Take weekly drives to the store or have a weekend lunch. Do the dishes together. When she does talk, start by listening and acknowledging what’s going on, rather than criticizing her or her friends. You might say, ‘I know it’s hard now, but it won’t always be this way.'”
It is particularly important to allow angry feelings. “Some mothers become anxious when their daughters get angry. They may try to resolve their daughters’ anger before the girls are ready to talk it out. This can convey to a girl that her anger is a problem, even a crisis, and communicate that her feelings are unacceptable,” says Rachel Simmons. “If you cannot tolerate your daughter’s anger, you teach her that anger is not OK and she may start to suppress it. But when anger is not properly expressed, girls start talking behind each others’ backs — and may engage in self-destructive behaviors or become depressed,” adds Simmons.
If your girl acts out, make sure she understands that you are not going to tolerate out-of-control behavior. But it is important to let your daughter be angry so she can learn to be aware of and manage a full range of emotions. In this way, you will make your home a positive counterpoint to the negative aspects of girls’ social rules.
Help her find a group of friends outside of school. “Support her outside interests — whether drama, music or a sport — and encourage her to get to know kids outside of school,” recommends Michael Thompson. In this way, her circle widens, and she’s functioning independently from the cliques. This is especially helpful for girls who feel shy or who don’t fit in at school.
Help her say “no.” Your daughter may have a great group of friends, but there may be times when she needs to say “no” — no to a party, no to drugs, and even no to sex. “She needs you to model how to do this by giving her opportunities, from the time she is young, to take a stand and be heard by you. So acknowledge her no’s to you, even if you don’t agree with them,” recommends Steiner-Adair.
Respect her decisions. “If your daughter faces a difficult social situation, start by simply empathizing, then ask your daughter what she wants to do about it,” recommends Lawrence Cohen. It’s OK to say, “Do you really think that’s a good idea?” or “I don’t know if I agree with that, but I’ll respect what you decide to do.” Unless your girl is going to do something unsafe, let her work it out on her own terms, and step in to help only if she needs you to, not because you want to.
Help her deal with gossip and rumors — without spreading rumors yourself.“Rumors, bullying and teasing are all too common but still very painful if it happens to your daughter,” adds Cohen. Don’t jump in with both guns blaring and take over, call the other parent (unless you decide together to do that) or tell her what to do. “Keep in mind that part of this isn’t about gossip — it’s about transitions and the impact on friendships. So find out what your daughter wants to do and help her sort it out, before taking action on your own. One idea I often suggest to parents is that they make a pact with their daughter’s friends’ parents — to keep talking and not join in battles when our daughters (inevitably) end up in conflicts with each other.”
Help her stand up to cyber-bullying. Spreading rumors on the Internet has become a new pastime for many girls. Recent reports show that over half of adolescents and teens have been bullied online. Rachel Simmons suggests that parents teach their daughters not to use the Internet to hash out personal conflicts. She recommends parents guide their girls to sign off with a message like “gotta go” if they find themselves caught in the middle of nasty online emails or IM exchanges, and help girls understand why it’s important not to forward online gossip.
Assume the best of your daughter. The best thing we as parents can do is assume our daughters won’t be drama queens, consumed by mean behavior or obsessed with popularity. Expectations matter — so believe the best of your daughter so she can live up to it.
Validate your daughter’s feelings. “Find times to be available for her to talk about what’s going on — even if she acts like she doesn’t want to,” says Catherine Steiner-Adair. “Take weekly drives to the store or have a weekend lunch. Do the dishes together. When she does talk, start by listening and acknowledging what’s going on, rather than criticizing her or her friends. You might say, ‘I know it’s hard now, but it won’t always be this way.'”
It is particularly important to allow angry feelings. “Some mothers become anxious when their daughters get angry. They may try to resolve their daughters’ anger before the girls are ready to talk it out. This can convey to a girl that her anger is a problem, even a crisis, and communicate that her feelings are unacceptable,” says Rachel Simmons. “If you cannot tolerate your daughter’s anger, you teach her that anger is not OK and she may start to suppress it. But when anger is not properly expressed, girls start talking behind each others’ backs — and may engage in self-destructive behaviors or become depressed,” adds Simmons.
If your girl acts out, make sure she understands that you are not going to tolerate out-of-control behavior. But it is important to let your daughter be angry so she can learn to be aware of and manage a full range of emotions. In this way, you will make your home a positive counterpoint to the negative aspects of girls’ social rules.
Help her find a group of friends outside of school. “Support her outside interests — whether drama, music or a sport — and encourage her to get to know kids outside of school,” recommends Michael Thompson. In this way, her circle widens, and she’s functioning independently from the cliques. This is especially helpful for girls who feel shy or who don’t fit in at school.
Help her say “no.” Your daughter may have a great group of friends, but there may be times when she needs to say “no” — no to a party, no to drugs, and even no to sex. “She needs you to model how to do this by giving her opportunities, from the time she is young, to take a stand and be heard by you. So acknowledge her no’s to you, even if you don’t agree with them,” recommends Steiner-Adair.
Respect her decisions. “If your daughter faces a difficult social situation, start by simply empathizing, then ask your daughter what she wants to do about it,” recommends Lawrence Cohen. It’s OK to say, “Do you really think that’s a good idea?” or “I don’t know if I agree with that, but I’ll respect what you decide to do.” Unless your girl is going to do something unsafe, let her work it out on her own terms, and step in to help only if she needs you to, not because you want to.
Help her deal with gossip and rumors — without spreading rumors yourself.“Rumors, bullying and teasing are all too common but still very painful if it happens to your daughter,” adds Cohen. Don’t jump in with both guns blaring and take over, call the other parent (unless you decide together to do that) or tell her what to do. “Keep in mind that part of this isn’t about gossip — it’s about transitions and the impact on friendships. So find out what your daughter wants to do and help her sort it out, before taking action on your own. One idea I often suggest to parents is that they make a pact with their daughter’s friends’ parents — to keep talking and not join in battles when our daughters (inevitably) end up in conflicts with each other.”
Help her stand up to cyber-bullying. Spreading rumors on the Internet has become a new pastime for many girls. Recent reports show that over half of adolescents and teens have been bullied online. Rachel Simmons suggests that parents teach their daughters not to use the Internet to hash out personal conflicts. She recommends parents guide their girls to sign off with a message like “gotta go” if they find themselves caught in the middle of nasty online emails or IM exchanges, and help girls understand why it’s important not to forward online gossip.
Assume the best of your daughter. The best thing we as parents can do is assume our daughters won’t be drama queens, consumed by mean behavior or obsessed with popularity. Expectations matter — so believe the best of your daughter so she can live up to it.
How to Cope with Big Kid Sleep Issues By Katie Hurley, LCSW
Joey was six years old when the sleep issues began. According to his mom, he was one of those babies who slept through the night by six months, napped clear through preschool, and always fell asleep easily. He was a pro sleeper.
Two months into his kindergarten year, however, something changed.
The little boy who always enjoyed his nightly routine now had meltdowns at bath time every night. It became nearly impossible to read stories when the new routine included tears, frustration, and clinginess.
As Joey’s mom and I explored the bigger picture, we discovered that those evening meltdowns were a cry for help. Joey’s transition to full-day kindergarten and after-school care was an enormous change. Mornings were rushed, and he missed afternoons spent at home. Joey was overtired and under stress, and bedtime was when he let his stress out.
Parents are conditioned to believe that the first year of life is the most difficult when it comes to sleep patterns, but big kids have their own sleep issues. One study showed that 3.7% of youth have a diagnosable sleep disorder. That doesn’t account for kids like Joey, however, who get into negative sleep patterns due to stress, anxiety, or over-scheduling.
Insufficient sleep can wreak havoc on the lives of kids (and their families). Sleep deprivation in kids is linked to asthma, obesity, poor immune systems, anxiety, behavior issues, poor school performance, and low tolerance for frustration. Kids who are lacking sleep have difficulty concentrating, struggle with memory, and are more likely to display aggressive behavior.
For Joey, the key to getting him back on track was reducing after-school activities, creating a much earlier bedtime, and keeping weekends free for downtime. He and his mom worked together to come up with a relaxing bedtime routine, and Joey’s sleep pattern returned to normal.
Stress and over-scheduling can certainly play a role in bedtime troubles, but kids can experience a number of sleep-related issues, like these:
1. Sleep Apnea: Kids with sleep apnea briefly stop breathing several times a night. These mini-wakeups leave them fatigued the next day because they don’t log enough deep sleep. Kids with sleep apnea tend to be loud breathers or snore. Sleep apnea is linked to oversized tonsils or adenoids. It can also be related to obesity.
Sleep Strategy: If you suspect sleep apnea, make an appointment to see the pediatrician for a proper diagnosis and treatment plan.
2. Stress or Anxiety: The bottom line is that kids have worries, too. It might seem like preschool and kindergarten are all fun all the time, but kids experience stress related to friendships, pleasing parents, teachers, and other adults, transitions, new siblings, divorce, illness, and many other reasons.
If your little one repeatedly asks for one more hug, demands water and other things the moment the lights go out, appears clingy at bedtime, or puts off bedtime entirely, stress and/or anxiety might be the culprit. Like adults, kids experience a spike in anxiety when the lights go out because the busy part of the day is done. This is when the worries creep in. Kids struggling with stress and/or anxiety need a longer bedtime routine that includes time to get their worries out and extra comfort from parents.
Sleep Strategy: Start the bedtime routine earlier. Your child may need at least 30 to name their worries, talk about solutions, and get some extra snuggles and reassurances.
Sleepwalking occurs during an incomplete sleep-stage transition where the brain is still asleep but the body can move around.
Night terrors are characterized by screaming, heavy breathing, sitting up, staring with wide eyes, and sweating. Kids are not awake when they experience night terrors, and most don’t remember them the following morning. Night terrors can be triggered by fatigue, stress, anxiety, disrupted sleep schedules, and fevers.
Nightmares can be very scary for children and trigger a fear of falling asleep. Young children encounter new information at a steady pace, and some of that learning can be overwhelming. Nightmares are a normal part of growing up, but they can become disruptive when they occur frequently. Sometimes nightmares are the result of something scary a child witnessed or saw on TV, but other times they come out of the blue.
Sleep strategy: In general, kids will outgrow sleepwalking and night terrors, but nightmares can continue into adolescence.
A great way to improve sleep habits is to establish a healthy routine, and this requires advanced planning. Make sure kids are getting outdoor exercise time each day and avoiding caffeine (including chocolate in the evenings). As much as possible, stick to the same schedule — even on weekends and during vacations. As the Daniel Tiger songgoes, “Bath time, brush teeth, PJs, story and song, and off to bed.” When kids know that every day ends the same way, the routine itself will cue the body that it’s time to sleep. And that’s good news for the whole family.
Two months into his kindergarten year, however, something changed.
The little boy who always enjoyed his nightly routine now had meltdowns at bath time every night. It became nearly impossible to read stories when the new routine included tears, frustration, and clinginess.
As Joey’s mom and I explored the bigger picture, we discovered that those evening meltdowns were a cry for help. Joey’s transition to full-day kindergarten and after-school care was an enormous change. Mornings were rushed, and he missed afternoons spent at home. Joey was overtired and under stress, and bedtime was when he let his stress out.
Parents are conditioned to believe that the first year of life is the most difficult when it comes to sleep patterns, but big kids have their own sleep issues. One study showed that 3.7% of youth have a diagnosable sleep disorder. That doesn’t account for kids like Joey, however, who get into negative sleep patterns due to stress, anxiety, or over-scheduling.
Insufficient sleep can wreak havoc on the lives of kids (and their families). Sleep deprivation in kids is linked to asthma, obesity, poor immune systems, anxiety, behavior issues, poor school performance, and low tolerance for frustration. Kids who are lacking sleep have difficulty concentrating, struggle with memory, and are more likely to display aggressive behavior.
For Joey, the key to getting him back on track was reducing after-school activities, creating a much earlier bedtime, and keeping weekends free for downtime. He and his mom worked together to come up with a relaxing bedtime routine, and Joey’s sleep pattern returned to normal.
Stress and over-scheduling can certainly play a role in bedtime troubles, but kids can experience a number of sleep-related issues, like these:
1. Sleep Apnea: Kids with sleep apnea briefly stop breathing several times a night. These mini-wakeups leave them fatigued the next day because they don’t log enough deep sleep. Kids with sleep apnea tend to be loud breathers or snore. Sleep apnea is linked to oversized tonsils or adenoids. It can also be related to obesity.
Sleep Strategy: If you suspect sleep apnea, make an appointment to see the pediatrician for a proper diagnosis and treatment plan.
2. Stress or Anxiety: The bottom line is that kids have worries, too. It might seem like preschool and kindergarten are all fun all the time, but kids experience stress related to friendships, pleasing parents, teachers, and other adults, transitions, new siblings, divorce, illness, and many other reasons.
If your little one repeatedly asks for one more hug, demands water and other things the moment the lights go out, appears clingy at bedtime, or puts off bedtime entirely, stress and/or anxiety might be the culprit. Like adults, kids experience a spike in anxiety when the lights go out because the busy part of the day is done. This is when the worries creep in. Kids struggling with stress and/or anxiety need a longer bedtime routine that includes time to get their worries out and extra comfort from parents.
Sleep Strategy: Start the bedtime routine earlier. Your child may need at least 30 to name their worries, talk about solutions, and get some extra snuggles and reassurances.
- Try telling your child a relaxing story while they close their eyes and focus on deep breathing.
- A worry box can be a great way to help your child name and put away their worries before bed at night.
- Check the lighting of the room. Too much darkness can feel overwhelming for little kids, but too much light can make it difficult to fall asleep.
- Empathize with your child. Nighttime worries feel very scary.
Sleepwalking occurs during an incomplete sleep-stage transition where the brain is still asleep but the body can move around.
Night terrors are characterized by screaming, heavy breathing, sitting up, staring with wide eyes, and sweating. Kids are not awake when they experience night terrors, and most don’t remember them the following morning. Night terrors can be triggered by fatigue, stress, anxiety, disrupted sleep schedules, and fevers.
Nightmares can be very scary for children and trigger a fear of falling asleep. Young children encounter new information at a steady pace, and some of that learning can be overwhelming. Nightmares are a normal part of growing up, but they can become disruptive when they occur frequently. Sometimes nightmares are the result of something scary a child witnessed or saw on TV, but other times they come out of the blue.
Sleep strategy: In general, kids will outgrow sleepwalking and night terrors, but nightmares can continue into adolescence.
- Clear the path for sleepwalkers. Make sure the halls are free from toys and other hazards and install high locks on doors that lead to the outside. Consider consulting your pediatrician if your child sleepwalks regularly.
- Treatment for night terrors generally isn’t necessary. If you suspect that stress is the underlying cause, consider revisiting your child’s schedule to make it more manageable and work on ways to cope with triggers of stress.
- Not all nightmares can be avoided, but you can decrease exposure to media (specifically the news) and scary content, use nightlights, discuss nighttime fears during the day, offer a security object to help self-soothe, provide comfort when nightmares occur, and focus on relaxing activities before bed (puzzles, drawing, reading, Play-Doh, etc.)
A great way to improve sleep habits is to establish a healthy routine, and this requires advanced planning. Make sure kids are getting outdoor exercise time each day and avoiding caffeine (including chocolate in the evenings). As much as possible, stick to the same schedule — even on weekends and during vacations. As the Daniel Tiger songgoes, “Bath time, brush teeth, PJs, story and song, and off to bed.” When kids know that every day ends the same way, the routine itself will cue the body that it’s time to sleep. And that’s good news for the whole family.
Emotionally Strong Boys by Dan Kindlon, Ph.D. and Michael Thompson, PhD
How do we help our boys express their feelings and grow up to be unafraid of them? How do we help them understand that they can be masculine — and have feelings too? How do we help them survive the tests of masculinity intact and on their own terms? In the book Raising Cain, co-authors Michael Thompson, Ph.D. and Dan Kindlon, Ph.D. present the following strategies, designed to help parents nurture and protect the emotional lives of their boys, to respect their interests and needs, and help them grow up to be caring, intelligent, successful men.
Strategies from Raising CainAn excerpt from the book, Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys, by Dan Kindlon, Ph.D. and Michael Thompson, Ph.D.
Strategies from Raising CainAn excerpt from the book, Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys, by Dan Kindlon, Ph.D. and Michael Thompson, Ph.D.
- Give boys permission to have an internal life, approval for the full range of human emotions, and help in developing an emotional vocabulary so that they may better understand themselves and communicate more effectively with others. "The simple idea here is that you consciously speak to a boy's internal life all the time, whether he is aware of it or not. You respect it, you take it into account, you make reference to it, you share your own. There is something of the prophecy fulfilled here. That is, if you act as if your son has an internal life — if you assume that he does, along with every other human being — then soon he will take it into account."
- Recognize and accept the high activity level of boys and give them safe boy places to express it. "Many parents of boys do embrace the physicality of boys… some do not. Most teachers of boys also love boys; some, unfortunately, do not. Boys are tremendously sensitive to adults who do not have a reasonable tolerance level for boy energy, and when they do sense that a person has a low threshold of boy tolerance, they usually respond to it as a challenge...Boys need to learn how to manage their physicality to do no harm, but they need not be shamed for exuberance."
- Talk to boys in their language — in a way that honors their pride and their masculinity. Be direct with them; use them as consultants and problem solvers. "Because boys are miseducated to fear excessive feeling and vulnerability, it is important to communicate with them in a way that honors their wish for strength and does not shame them… Is communicating with boys sometimes difficult? Yes, it often is. Is it impossible? Almost never. Only with the most angry, contemptuous, and suspicious boys is conversation impossible. If you are willing to ask consultative questions, put your emotional cards on the table, and not be disappointed by brief answers, you can communicate with boys. "
How to Raise a Self-Confident Girl By Katie Hurley, LCSW
A ten-year-old girl sits in my office, her gaze averted. She tells me that she’s worried because she “froze” and couldn’t remember anything on her math test. She thinks her parents will be upset. She also worries that her teacher will tell her to study harder. She doesn’t want extra math homework. She’s sure that she’s just “not good” at math and there is nothing she can do about it.
She tells me that her brother is “amazing at math” and that “he doesn’t even have to try.” She wishes she could be more like him. This young girl is not alone when it comes to questioning her natural abilities and wondering if she can succeed in the classroom and out in the world.
A recent US-based study found that girls as young as age six believe that brilliance is a male trait. That’s not all. The study also found that by age six girls steer themselves away from activities perceived to be for the “really, really smart.”
Published in the journal Science, this study by researchers from three different universities carried out a range of tests with 400 children (half of them girls) to determine whether or not gender stereotypes impact children’s beliefs about intelligence and ability.
In one test group, boys and girls listened to a story about a highly intelligent person and were asked to predict the person’s gender. They were also shown a series of pictures, including pairs of adults, and asked to pick which were “highly intelligent.” Finally, the children were asked to match certain traits and objects to men and women. Results show that six-year-old boys chose men as “really, really smart” 65 percent of the time while girls in that age group only chose women as brilliant 48 percent of the time.
Girls get a lot of mixed messages. We tell them to be leaders, but we call them out for being “bossy.” We tell them they are strong and resilient, but then we jump in and solve their problems for them. We encourage them to be assertive, but then we pepper them with tips on being respectful.
Our words have a profound impact on our daughters. They take their cues from us. Parents can inadvertently reinforce gender stereotypes and undermine self-confidence with their words and actions. Parents can also bolster girls’ self-confidence and empower them with their words and actions.
Follow these steps to nurture self-confidence in your daughter:
Show interest in her academics. Let your daughter teach you! All too often we get caught in the cycle of asking about homework, checking to see how girls perform on their tests and quizzes, and focusing on grades. But this teaches girls that results are the most important part of school. We should be sending the message that the process of learning is what matters most.
Resist the urge to run through your usual list of questions and ask your daughter to tell you about something exciting she learned. Take an interest in the things that inspire her when she’s at school by engaging in meaningful conversation about it.
Get her outside. The best way to build self-confidence and resilience in young girls is to give them the opportunity to test their strength and limits. They need to push themselves. They need to fall and get back up and maybe even fall again. They can’t do that if they don’t have enough free time to get outside and climb trees, balance on walls, and jump from swings (or other things.)
Too many girls live in highly structured environments where they move from adult-directed activity to adult-directed activity with little time to test their strength or even learn to fill the space that kids call “boredom.”
Let her make choices. When girls don’t have any say over their own lives, they struggle to make important decisions outside of the home. Give your daughter the opportunity to practice decision-making skills by involving her in everyday choices. Let her choose which chores she wants to do for the week, what she wears to school, and how she wears her hair. When parents trust girls to make decisions, girls internalize the message that they are capable.
Let her pursue her own interests. As a former college athlete, I love that girls are playing a ton of sports these days. Team sports can help girls learn to work together, build physical strength and build resilience. There’s more to life than sports, however, and I see a lot of girls stuck in a rut because they don’t have the time or opportunity to explore their other areas of passion.
It’s important to let girls follow their passions and try out several different activities. Ask your daughter what she really wants to do with her free time and see where that takes her.
Believe in her. It’s not enough to know that you believe in her, you have to tell her. On repeat. Girls will face ups and downs as they grow. They will experience successes and failures. Whether or not they believe they can continue to be successful and recover from their failures is largely determined by the amount of unconditional love and support they receive at home every single day.
Let your daughter follow her own dreams. Encourage her to speak up for her beliefs. Commend her for her grit and resiliency. Above all, tell her that you believe in her. The more she hears it from you, the more she will believe in herself.
She tells me that her brother is “amazing at math” and that “he doesn’t even have to try.” She wishes she could be more like him. This young girl is not alone when it comes to questioning her natural abilities and wondering if she can succeed in the classroom and out in the world.
A recent US-based study found that girls as young as age six believe that brilliance is a male trait. That’s not all. The study also found that by age six girls steer themselves away from activities perceived to be for the “really, really smart.”
Published in the journal Science, this study by researchers from three different universities carried out a range of tests with 400 children (half of them girls) to determine whether or not gender stereotypes impact children’s beliefs about intelligence and ability.
In one test group, boys and girls listened to a story about a highly intelligent person and were asked to predict the person’s gender. They were also shown a series of pictures, including pairs of adults, and asked to pick which were “highly intelligent.” Finally, the children were asked to match certain traits and objects to men and women. Results show that six-year-old boys chose men as “really, really smart” 65 percent of the time while girls in that age group only chose women as brilliant 48 percent of the time.
Girls get a lot of mixed messages. We tell them to be leaders, but we call them out for being “bossy.” We tell them they are strong and resilient, but then we jump in and solve their problems for them. We encourage them to be assertive, but then we pepper them with tips on being respectful.
Our words have a profound impact on our daughters. They take their cues from us. Parents can inadvertently reinforce gender stereotypes and undermine self-confidence with their words and actions. Parents can also bolster girls’ self-confidence and empower them with their words and actions.
Follow these steps to nurture self-confidence in your daughter:
Show interest in her academics. Let your daughter teach you! All too often we get caught in the cycle of asking about homework, checking to see how girls perform on their tests and quizzes, and focusing on grades. But this teaches girls that results are the most important part of school. We should be sending the message that the process of learning is what matters most.
Resist the urge to run through your usual list of questions and ask your daughter to tell you about something exciting she learned. Take an interest in the things that inspire her when she’s at school by engaging in meaningful conversation about it.
Get her outside. The best way to build self-confidence and resilience in young girls is to give them the opportunity to test their strength and limits. They need to push themselves. They need to fall and get back up and maybe even fall again. They can’t do that if they don’t have enough free time to get outside and climb trees, balance on walls, and jump from swings (or other things.)
Too many girls live in highly structured environments where they move from adult-directed activity to adult-directed activity with little time to test their strength or even learn to fill the space that kids call “boredom.”
Let her make choices. When girls don’t have any say over their own lives, they struggle to make important decisions outside of the home. Give your daughter the opportunity to practice decision-making skills by involving her in everyday choices. Let her choose which chores she wants to do for the week, what she wears to school, and how she wears her hair. When parents trust girls to make decisions, girls internalize the message that they are capable.
Let her pursue her own interests. As a former college athlete, I love that girls are playing a ton of sports these days. Team sports can help girls learn to work together, build physical strength and build resilience. There’s more to life than sports, however, and I see a lot of girls stuck in a rut because they don’t have the time or opportunity to explore their other areas of passion.
It’s important to let girls follow their passions and try out several different activities. Ask your daughter what she really wants to do with her free time and see where that takes her.
Believe in her. It’s not enough to know that you believe in her, you have to tell her. On repeat. Girls will face ups and downs as they grow. They will experience successes and failures. Whether or not they believe they can continue to be successful and recover from their failures is largely determined by the amount of unconditional love and support they receive at home every single day.
Let your daughter follow her own dreams. Encourage her to speak up for her beliefs. Commend her for her grit and resiliency. Above all, tell her that you believe in her. The more she hears it from you, the more she will believe in herself.
A Link Between Relatedness and Academic Achievement Another way to help your child succeed academically By Ugo Uche
If one were to look up research studies like this one, regarding the role teachers play in students' success in the classroom; they would come up with a plethora of studies in a variety of niches such as the role ethnic and racial differences play between teachers and students, the role gender differences play, subject material and so on and so forth.
As society moves towards becoming more conscientious, members of society, especially parents of school age children, have become more observant regarding the behaviors of teachers towards students and how this variable influences the achievements of students. Even politicians have taken notice. Sometime last year I wrote this post about how a Rhode Island school board took a radical measure by firing all their teachers, over collective failing grades by the school's students.
But what if the key to a student's success wasn't just dependent on his or her teacher's attitude but his or her attitude towards teachers? When it comes to research studies that correlate a student's academic success with his or her relationship with teachers, the premise is a simple one. Teachers who generate positive attitudes towards students have students who reciprocate and excel. As a psychotherapist, I know this is true. I take the same approach towards therapy and as a result experience a lot of success stories with clients.
This being written, the key to a student's success in academia relies not just with the teacher's attitude towards the student but also with the student's attitude towards the teacher. It would seem that with the recent wave of educational reforms, where the public is quick to label teachers as incompetent and administrators are quick to threaten teachers with individual and mass layoffs, most parents have bought into the illusion that teachers alone hold the key to the success of their students.
It all boils down to responsibility; we parents teaching our sons and daughters how to make best use of their ability to respond to challenges. It's understandable that our children will become easily turned off to learning in an environment where they feel unaccepted by their teachers. After all we are social animals, and the habitual perception of being rejected has been shown lessen motivation and increase lethargy.
What if we could teach our children not to vilify those who reject them, but instead practice forgiveness, compassion and assertiveness in getting the teachers to work with them? I believe this attitude of empowerment will take most, if not all, students far in their pursuits and achievements.
As society moves towards becoming more conscientious, members of society, especially parents of school age children, have become more observant regarding the behaviors of teachers towards students and how this variable influences the achievements of students. Even politicians have taken notice. Sometime last year I wrote this post about how a Rhode Island school board took a radical measure by firing all their teachers, over collective failing grades by the school's students.
But what if the key to a student's success wasn't just dependent on his or her teacher's attitude but his or her attitude towards teachers? When it comes to research studies that correlate a student's academic success with his or her relationship with teachers, the premise is a simple one. Teachers who generate positive attitudes towards students have students who reciprocate and excel. As a psychotherapist, I know this is true. I take the same approach towards therapy and as a result experience a lot of success stories with clients.
This being written, the key to a student's success in academia relies not just with the teacher's attitude towards the student but also with the student's attitude towards the teacher. It would seem that with the recent wave of educational reforms, where the public is quick to label teachers as incompetent and administrators are quick to threaten teachers with individual and mass layoffs, most parents have bought into the illusion that teachers alone hold the key to the success of their students.
It all boils down to responsibility; we parents teaching our sons and daughters how to make best use of their ability to respond to challenges. It's understandable that our children will become easily turned off to learning in an environment where they feel unaccepted by their teachers. After all we are social animals, and the habitual perception of being rejected has been shown lessen motivation and increase lethargy.
What if we could teach our children not to vilify those who reject them, but instead practice forgiveness, compassion and assertiveness in getting the teachers to work with them? I believe this attitude of empowerment will take most, if not all, students far in their pursuits and achievements.
Cliques and Conflicts: Helping Young Girls Manage the Social Scene BY JOANNA NESBIT
When my daughter entered fourth grade, the classroom dynamics got off to a bumpy start. A few strong personalities — and a new girl jockeying to fit in — led to small conflicts that lasted all year long.
In May, the principal called to tell me my daughter and a few other girls were at risk of suspension for that day’s recess if they didn’t clean up their act. Apparently two small groups had volleyed glares that felt intimidating to younger children. It was the proverbial straw. When my daughter arrived home, I said, “Sounds like school was a little rough today.”
She burst into tears. She had never been in trouble at school.
Most parents associate girl conflicts — and mean-girl tactics — with the middle school years. But conduct known as “relational aggression” (what we think of as “mean girls” behavior) starts much younger. This is the behavior we see when kids manipulate others through friendship withdrawal, silent treatment and gossip.
A 2010 study from the State University of New York at Buffalo of children ages 3–12 found that some girls understand relationally aggressive tactics as early as preschool. It also reports that girls associate these tactics with being a girl. In other words, they expect to handle conflict with relational aggression — while boys associate physical aggression with being male.
Around second grade, this kind of behavior becomes more sophisticated, and teachers begin to see it in the classroom. “If a girl doesn’t color as neatly, wear the right clothes or can’t do something as well, a second-grader is just as likely to notice as a fifth-grader or a middle schooler,” says Dawn Christiana, a Bellingham elementary teacher. Also beginning in second grade, girls interact more than the younger girls, she says, and become more vocal. “Thus begin the cliques,” says Christiana.
What’s normal?Social conflict in elementary school is not new. In fact, conflict among classmates and friends is a normal part of childhood, and parents shouldn’t fear it, says Cubba Reese, a parent educator in the greater Seattle area.
What is new? The social pressures girls face today. Roni Cohen-Sandler, Ph.D., author of Easing Their Stress: Helping our Girls Thrive in the Age of Pressure and a longtime psychologist, sees social behaviors in elementary-age girls that used to begin in middle school. Both biology and evolving cultural patterns are contributing to these changes, she says, through earlier physical maturity, exposure to media that portrays relational aggression, more marketing to younger girls and more pressure to achieve academically. As a result, she says, young girls are increasingly anxious, self-conscious and competitive.
Combine these pressures with the cultural message to girls to play nice (that is, avoid “challenging” emotions such as anger, resentment or jealousy), and social competition among elementary-age girls looks adolescent.
JoAnn Deak, Ph.D., author of Girls Will Be Girls, suggests teaching social conflict management skills at younger ages. By middle school, says Deak, the social patterns are habits, and habits are difficult to change.
Managing pressuresSo how do we help our daughters manage social pressures and conflict? It starts with building strong connections at home, say experts. Here are some ideas for ways parents can help their girls navigate the new school year:
Empathize. If your daughter comes home fuming about a situation, the first step is to empathize — listen without judging or offering advice. When you empathize, you’re modeling a skill she needs to learn, as well as creating connection that’s important for your relationship, says Cohen-Sandler. Remember: Empathizing isn’t asking leading questions that imply she’s been wronged.
“It’s important to keep your own indignation in check. You shouldn’t be more upset than she is,” says Reese.
Validate a range of emotions. Girls need to know that all emotions, positive and negative, are normal and that “bad emotions” don’t make girls bad. Allowing your daughter’s anger or resentment to play out will help her calm down more quickly than if you minimize the situation, leap to solving the problem or suggest her feelings are unkind. Try something like, “Wow, you are spitting nails, you’re so mad,” says Reese.
Help her gain perspective. Media experiences can be effective springboards for important discussions about what someone might be feeling or thinking. When you’re watching a movie together or reading a book, talk about characters’ choices, including feelings, motives and behavior, says Cohen-Sandler. Fiction isn’t as emotionally loaded as discussing a fight with a friend. Seattle parent Alison Krupnick began a mother-daughter book club when her girls were young as a way to discuss friendship and conflict.
Help her to identify assumptions. It’s normal to make assumptions about other people’s actions, but it’s important to verify them, says Deak. Girls typically don’t like feeling uncomfortable emotions, and it’s much easier to whisper to a friend than to ask someone why she did such and such. But getting clarity is important, and girls needn’t be confrontational. “Try something like, ‘When you said I couldn’t sit here, I was just wondering why,’” suggests Deak.
Discuss possible reasons for another child’s behavior — that will help your daughter see she might have misunderstood the situation. Ask her about the girl’s tone of voice or expression on her face and say, “That’s one possibility. What else could cause those things to happen?”
Brainstorm problem-solving. Girls need practice moving from feeling to thinking to become problem solvers. Let your daughter think through the problem before offering help. Get her started with “I wonder what you can do” or “Do you have any ideas?” If she’s stuck, Reese suggests these phrases: “Would you like me to help you think this through?” or “I have one thought; would you like to hear it?” If she says no, don’t push it.
Keep in mind “our primary job is not to resolve the problem, but to give the message that girls are resilient and needn’t be afraid of conflict,” says Reese. “Our job is to empathize, to acknowledge the conflict and to give the message that friendships last through conflict.”
Tempting as it is to shut down the drama, listening to your daughter and helping her solve challenges will arm her with the emotional skills to tackle bumpy situations with real solutions. These skills will stay with her for life.
Bellingham writer Joanna Nesbit remembers fourth grade being hard, even back in the day. Learn more about her writing at joannanesbit.com.
Connecting with kids
In May, the principal called to tell me my daughter and a few other girls were at risk of suspension for that day’s recess if they didn’t clean up their act. Apparently two small groups had volleyed glares that felt intimidating to younger children. It was the proverbial straw. When my daughter arrived home, I said, “Sounds like school was a little rough today.”
She burst into tears. She had never been in trouble at school.
Most parents associate girl conflicts — and mean-girl tactics — with the middle school years. But conduct known as “relational aggression” (what we think of as “mean girls” behavior) starts much younger. This is the behavior we see when kids manipulate others through friendship withdrawal, silent treatment and gossip.
A 2010 study from the State University of New York at Buffalo of children ages 3–12 found that some girls understand relationally aggressive tactics as early as preschool. It also reports that girls associate these tactics with being a girl. In other words, they expect to handle conflict with relational aggression — while boys associate physical aggression with being male.
Around second grade, this kind of behavior becomes more sophisticated, and teachers begin to see it in the classroom. “If a girl doesn’t color as neatly, wear the right clothes or can’t do something as well, a second-grader is just as likely to notice as a fifth-grader or a middle schooler,” says Dawn Christiana, a Bellingham elementary teacher. Also beginning in second grade, girls interact more than the younger girls, she says, and become more vocal. “Thus begin the cliques,” says Christiana.
What’s normal?Social conflict in elementary school is not new. In fact, conflict among classmates and friends is a normal part of childhood, and parents shouldn’t fear it, says Cubba Reese, a parent educator in the greater Seattle area.
What is new? The social pressures girls face today. Roni Cohen-Sandler, Ph.D., author of Easing Their Stress: Helping our Girls Thrive in the Age of Pressure and a longtime psychologist, sees social behaviors in elementary-age girls that used to begin in middle school. Both biology and evolving cultural patterns are contributing to these changes, she says, through earlier physical maturity, exposure to media that portrays relational aggression, more marketing to younger girls and more pressure to achieve academically. As a result, she says, young girls are increasingly anxious, self-conscious and competitive.
Combine these pressures with the cultural message to girls to play nice (that is, avoid “challenging” emotions such as anger, resentment or jealousy), and social competition among elementary-age girls looks adolescent.
JoAnn Deak, Ph.D., author of Girls Will Be Girls, suggests teaching social conflict management skills at younger ages. By middle school, says Deak, the social patterns are habits, and habits are difficult to change.
Managing pressuresSo how do we help our daughters manage social pressures and conflict? It starts with building strong connections at home, say experts. Here are some ideas for ways parents can help their girls navigate the new school year:
Empathize. If your daughter comes home fuming about a situation, the first step is to empathize — listen without judging or offering advice. When you empathize, you’re modeling a skill she needs to learn, as well as creating connection that’s important for your relationship, says Cohen-Sandler. Remember: Empathizing isn’t asking leading questions that imply she’s been wronged.
“It’s important to keep your own indignation in check. You shouldn’t be more upset than she is,” says Reese.
Validate a range of emotions. Girls need to know that all emotions, positive and negative, are normal and that “bad emotions” don’t make girls bad. Allowing your daughter’s anger or resentment to play out will help her calm down more quickly than if you minimize the situation, leap to solving the problem or suggest her feelings are unkind. Try something like, “Wow, you are spitting nails, you’re so mad,” says Reese.
Help her gain perspective. Media experiences can be effective springboards for important discussions about what someone might be feeling or thinking. When you’re watching a movie together or reading a book, talk about characters’ choices, including feelings, motives and behavior, says Cohen-Sandler. Fiction isn’t as emotionally loaded as discussing a fight with a friend. Seattle parent Alison Krupnick began a mother-daughter book club when her girls were young as a way to discuss friendship and conflict.
Help her to identify assumptions. It’s normal to make assumptions about other people’s actions, but it’s important to verify them, says Deak. Girls typically don’t like feeling uncomfortable emotions, and it’s much easier to whisper to a friend than to ask someone why she did such and such. But getting clarity is important, and girls needn’t be confrontational. “Try something like, ‘When you said I couldn’t sit here, I was just wondering why,’” suggests Deak.
Discuss possible reasons for another child’s behavior — that will help your daughter see she might have misunderstood the situation. Ask her about the girl’s tone of voice or expression on her face and say, “That’s one possibility. What else could cause those things to happen?”
Brainstorm problem-solving. Girls need practice moving from feeling to thinking to become problem solvers. Let your daughter think through the problem before offering help. Get her started with “I wonder what you can do” or “Do you have any ideas?” If she’s stuck, Reese suggests these phrases: “Would you like me to help you think this through?” or “I have one thought; would you like to hear it?” If she says no, don’t push it.
Keep in mind “our primary job is not to resolve the problem, but to give the message that girls are resilient and needn’t be afraid of conflict,” says Reese. “Our job is to empathize, to acknowledge the conflict and to give the message that friendships last through conflict.”
Tempting as it is to shut down the drama, listening to your daughter and helping her solve challenges will arm her with the emotional skills to tackle bumpy situations with real solutions. These skills will stay with her for life.
Bellingham writer Joanna Nesbit remembers fourth grade being hard, even back in the day. Learn more about her writing at joannanesbit.com.
Connecting with kids
- If you feel anxious when your daughter has an argument or when she’s angry with you, you may not be comfortable with challenging emotions. Say, “I can see you’re really mad at me; I want to hear why.” Practice empathizing so both of you experience moving through uncomfortable feelings in a healthy way.
- Try to be an unflappable presence. If you tend to overreact, judge or fix problems, your daughter will learn not to trust your views. Worrying about what other parents think can influence how we handle our kids’ feelings; ignore that little voice.
- Spend time with your daughter, tune in and share activities she likes. Creating true connection helps “inoculate girls against being inauthentic,” says Cohen-Sandler. It also sets up a positive dynamic for when she’s older and coping with bigger challenges.
- Make sure she knows you admire her for who she is, not what she does, Reese suggests. Girls feel enough outside pressure to perform well, and home should be a place to be themselves.
- As a family, take a break from screens to get away from the advertising and social media that can create insecurity and competition. Engage in old-school activities for healthy fun.
The Happy Teen - A primer on the positives in youth development by Stephen Gray Wallace
In our rush to keep young people safe and alive, we sometimes too easily buy into the idea that this critical stage of human development is marked by conflict, moodiness, detachment, and acting out—or “storm and stress” as articulated by G. Stanley Hall, the first president of the American Psychological Association. Are we selling young people short? Probably.
In fact, there exists compelling research, not to mention anecdotal evidence, that there is a brighter side to adolescence than perhaps previously thought.
Data collected from more than 2,700 middle and high school students by SADD (Students Against Destructive Decisions) reveal that most young people feel good about their progress on the key developmental tasks of establishing an identity, achieving independence, and building meaningful relationships with peers. In addition, the majority of teens say they are happy almost every day and perceive themselves as friendly (77 percent), honest (72 percent), and smart (72 percent).
Tufts University Professor Richard M. Lerner also offers rebuttal to definitions of this developmental stage that routinely link it to disruptive and risky behavior, finding through his research ample existence among young people of competence, confidence, connection, character, and caring. These may coalesce, says Lerner, in contribution.
In short, adolescents seem to be less self-absorbed and more other-oriented than they are given credit for.
The fact that teens are ready, willing, and able to “give something back”—or “pay something forward”—is self-evident in reports from Youth Service America noting that millions of young people are engaging in community outreach.
Another fallacy leaves us to believe that many, if not most, teens no longer value but simply endure their relationships with the adults in their lives, maybe especially their parents. Yet more good news can be found in the fact that, according to SADD, most teens say their relationships with their parents make them feel good about themselves, their parents respect them, and they feel close to their parents. A separate study conducted by ORC International showed that a majority of teens say they want to spend more, not less, time with their parents.
And that’s a really good thing!
Why? Because young people who spend time with their parents, talk with them, and feel close to them are overwhelmingly less likely to drink (62 percent vs. 43 percent) or to use other drugs (87 percent vs. 77 percent) than are those who don’t.
So, while there remain clear and present dangers to young people (think underage drinking, other drug use, early intimate sexual behavior, bullying, violence, and suicide), we are wise to balance the bad news with the good. As a Waterman, Illinois, teen once put it in a special edition of Newsweek, “Against all odds, I’m just fine.”
In fact, there exists compelling research, not to mention anecdotal evidence, that there is a brighter side to adolescence than perhaps previously thought.
Data collected from more than 2,700 middle and high school students by SADD (Students Against Destructive Decisions) reveal that most young people feel good about their progress on the key developmental tasks of establishing an identity, achieving independence, and building meaningful relationships with peers. In addition, the majority of teens say they are happy almost every day and perceive themselves as friendly (77 percent), honest (72 percent), and smart (72 percent).
Tufts University Professor Richard M. Lerner also offers rebuttal to definitions of this developmental stage that routinely link it to disruptive and risky behavior, finding through his research ample existence among young people of competence, confidence, connection, character, and caring. These may coalesce, says Lerner, in contribution.
In short, adolescents seem to be less self-absorbed and more other-oriented than they are given credit for.
The fact that teens are ready, willing, and able to “give something back”—or “pay something forward”—is self-evident in reports from Youth Service America noting that millions of young people are engaging in community outreach.
Another fallacy leaves us to believe that many, if not most, teens no longer value but simply endure their relationships with the adults in their lives, maybe especially their parents. Yet more good news can be found in the fact that, according to SADD, most teens say their relationships with their parents make them feel good about themselves, their parents respect them, and they feel close to their parents. A separate study conducted by ORC International showed that a majority of teens say they want to spend more, not less, time with their parents.
And that’s a really good thing!
Why? Because young people who spend time with their parents, talk with them, and feel close to them are overwhelmingly less likely to drink (62 percent vs. 43 percent) or to use other drugs (87 percent vs. 77 percent) than are those who don’t.
So, while there remain clear and present dangers to young people (think underage drinking, other drug use, early intimate sexual behavior, bullying, violence, and suicide), we are wise to balance the bad news with the good. As a Waterman, Illinois, teen once put it in a special edition of Newsweek, “Against all odds, I’m just fine.”
8 Apps That Support Children’s Social-Emotional Growth By Deborah Farmer Kris
As parents, every week brings new reminders that our kids are still learning how to manage big feelings and social dynamics: public tantrums, private meltdowns, bedtime struggles, mealtime battles, separation anxiety, school fears, sibling rivalry and friendship dramas.
We’ve all been there, managing the moment and then searching for tools to support kids’ social-emotional growth: strategies that will help them understand their emotions, develop self-control, build empathy, and practice problem-solving.
One of these tools can be high-quality media, including educational apps. As Sara DeWitt, Vice President of PBS KIDS Digital, writes, “educational media can be a powerful tool for helping our children learn — and parents play an important part . . . Research shows us that watching, playing, and engaging with our children through educational media helps them learn.”
For example, I keep the Daniel Tiger for Parents app on my phone. It lets me scroll through the strategy songs from the show and keep my own “favorites” list,” a list that currently includes “Morning Routine,” “Calming Down,” “Clean Up Routine,” and “Feeling Mad.” The lyrics are usually one line long — simple messages that my three-year-old can remember and apply. Recently, this song has gotten a lot of play and practice in our house: “When you feel so mad that you want to ROAR, take a deep breath and count to four: 1, 2, 3, 4.”
PBS KIDS and Sesame Workshop have designed several apps that support children’s social and emotional skills and offer helpful tips and advice for parents. Here are a few worth exploring.
Daniel Tiger for Parents
This handy app empowers parents and caregivers with strategy songs, helpful tips, and videos from Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood. Is your child learning about sharing? Struggling with trying a new food? Working on what to do with mad feelings? Daniel Tiger for Parents has a song for that – and many other scenarios. Available through iTunes, Google Play, and Windows Phone Store: Free.
Daniel Tiger’s Storybooks
The app offers a growing library of interactive stories narrated by Daniel Tiger that show Daniel learning little life lessons, such as sharing with friends and being a helper. Each book is available in both English and Spanish and includes a song, animations, and a simple game to encourage children to engage in pretend play. Available through iTunes, Google Play, and Amazon: $2.99.
Daniel Tiger’s Grr-ific Feelings
With this Daniel Tiger app, children can learn more about the feelings we all share. It features more than a dozen games about feelings, 18 animated Daniel Tiger songs for sing-along, a drawing easel for creative expression, and a “feelings photo booth.” Available through iTunes, Google Play, and Amazon: $2.99.
Daniel Tiger’s Stop & Go Potty
Daniel Tiger and his friend Katerina Kittycat are like a lot of young children: they don’t always want to stop playing when they have to go to the bathroom. It can be hard to stop when they’re having so much fun. This app helps children practice self-regulation: stopping their play when they have to go potty and following important bathroom routines. Available through iTunes, Google Play, and Amazon: $2.99.
Cookie Monster’s Challenge
Cookie Monster’s Challenge offers 10 brain-building games that are designed to help children practice and strengthen their self-control, focus, working memory and problem solving. Each game has 12 increasingly-challenging levels to keep children engaged and motivated. Available through iTunes, Google Play, and Amazon: $2.99.
Breathe, Think, Do with Sesame
This app asks children to help a Sesame Street monster friend calm down and solve everyday challenges. Kids learn about Sesame’s “Breathe, Think, Do” strategy for problem-solving, hear emotional vocabulary, and practice a calm breathing technique. The app is part of Sesame Street’s Little Children, Big Challenges initiative, which provides tools to help children build resilience and cope with stressful situations. You can access other Sesame Street resilience materials online, at sesamestreet.org/challenges. Available through iTunes, Google Play, and Amazon: Free.
Arthur’s Big App
In Arthur’s Big App, kids can join Arthur, Buster, Francine, and Muffy in a series of mini-games set all around Elwood City. Designed for children ages 6-8, these games focus on pro-social skills and friendship as they explore Arthur’s world. Available through iTunes, Google Play, and Amazon: $0.99.
Wild Kratts Baby Buddies
If your child wants to learn more about taking care of animals, the Wild Kratts Baby Buddies app is a great place to start. This app lets kids learn about animal science while they feed, wash and protect a baby elephant, cheetah, crocodile, zebra and aardvark – and learning how to care for others helps kids develop empathy. Available through iTunes, Google Play, and Amazon: $1.99.
Additional Resources from PBS KIDS
We’ve all been there, managing the moment and then searching for tools to support kids’ social-emotional growth: strategies that will help them understand their emotions, develop self-control, build empathy, and practice problem-solving.
One of these tools can be high-quality media, including educational apps. As Sara DeWitt, Vice President of PBS KIDS Digital, writes, “educational media can be a powerful tool for helping our children learn — and parents play an important part . . . Research shows us that watching, playing, and engaging with our children through educational media helps them learn.”
For example, I keep the Daniel Tiger for Parents app on my phone. It lets me scroll through the strategy songs from the show and keep my own “favorites” list,” a list that currently includes “Morning Routine,” “Calming Down,” “Clean Up Routine,” and “Feeling Mad.” The lyrics are usually one line long — simple messages that my three-year-old can remember and apply. Recently, this song has gotten a lot of play and practice in our house: “When you feel so mad that you want to ROAR, take a deep breath and count to four: 1, 2, 3, 4.”
PBS KIDS and Sesame Workshop have designed several apps that support children’s social and emotional skills and offer helpful tips and advice for parents. Here are a few worth exploring.
Daniel Tiger for Parents
This handy app empowers parents and caregivers with strategy songs, helpful tips, and videos from Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood. Is your child learning about sharing? Struggling with trying a new food? Working on what to do with mad feelings? Daniel Tiger for Parents has a song for that – and many other scenarios. Available through iTunes, Google Play, and Windows Phone Store: Free.
Daniel Tiger’s Storybooks
The app offers a growing library of interactive stories narrated by Daniel Tiger that show Daniel learning little life lessons, such as sharing with friends and being a helper. Each book is available in both English and Spanish and includes a song, animations, and a simple game to encourage children to engage in pretend play. Available through iTunes, Google Play, and Amazon: $2.99.
Daniel Tiger’s Grr-ific Feelings
With this Daniel Tiger app, children can learn more about the feelings we all share. It features more than a dozen games about feelings, 18 animated Daniel Tiger songs for sing-along, a drawing easel for creative expression, and a “feelings photo booth.” Available through iTunes, Google Play, and Amazon: $2.99.
Daniel Tiger’s Stop & Go Potty
Daniel Tiger and his friend Katerina Kittycat are like a lot of young children: they don’t always want to stop playing when they have to go to the bathroom. It can be hard to stop when they’re having so much fun. This app helps children practice self-regulation: stopping their play when they have to go potty and following important bathroom routines. Available through iTunes, Google Play, and Amazon: $2.99.
Cookie Monster’s Challenge
Cookie Monster’s Challenge offers 10 brain-building games that are designed to help children practice and strengthen their self-control, focus, working memory and problem solving. Each game has 12 increasingly-challenging levels to keep children engaged and motivated. Available through iTunes, Google Play, and Amazon: $2.99.
Breathe, Think, Do with Sesame
This app asks children to help a Sesame Street monster friend calm down and solve everyday challenges. Kids learn about Sesame’s “Breathe, Think, Do” strategy for problem-solving, hear emotional vocabulary, and practice a calm breathing technique. The app is part of Sesame Street’s Little Children, Big Challenges initiative, which provides tools to help children build resilience and cope with stressful situations. You can access other Sesame Street resilience materials online, at sesamestreet.org/challenges. Available through iTunes, Google Play, and Amazon: Free.
Arthur’s Big App
In Arthur’s Big App, kids can join Arthur, Buster, Francine, and Muffy in a series of mini-games set all around Elwood City. Designed for children ages 6-8, these games focus on pro-social skills and friendship as they explore Arthur’s world. Available through iTunes, Google Play, and Amazon: $0.99.
Wild Kratts Baby Buddies
If your child wants to learn more about taking care of animals, the Wild Kratts Baby Buddies app is a great place to start. This app lets kids learn about animal science while they feed, wash and protect a baby elephant, cheetah, crocodile, zebra and aardvark – and learning how to care for others helps kids develop empathy. Available through iTunes, Google Play, and Amazon: $1.99.
Additional Resources from PBS KIDS
- To explore all of the apps available from PBS KIDS, click here.
- PBS KIDS has also created hundreds of free online games to help kids learn and grow. You can browse them by topic or program.
- Click here to watch video clips from your favorite PBS KIDS programs and to explore new shows.
- If you are looking for more ways to support your child’s social, emotional, and character development, check out our new Child Development Tracker. In addition to helpful parenting tips, we offer an Activity Finder that will link you to videos, games, and apps.
Six Quick Tips for Parents about Bullying by Dr Michael Carr-Gregg
What
is bullying?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b597hE4k_ic
How
do you support your child?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BDfjMHIS_9A
How
can you work with the school?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6hbwDQmvj8A
what if
your child is the bully?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iSZBLOBrehU
What
is cyber bullying?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rcYK7A2JS1s
10 Tips for Maximizing Parent-Teacher Conferences
By Karen Bromley, Ph.D.
Parent-teacher conferences. Those three words make many parents nervous. It's understandable: Parents fear hearing the worst about their child's progress and performance, and teachers can sometimes be intimidating. Here are ten strategies to help you rid yourself of any preconference anxiety and make the meeting a productive step toward your child's education.
1. Come on time, and don't stay past your allotted time. The teacher has all the other parents to meet with in tightly scheduled time blocks. If you are late, your session may be shortened. Consider this conference the first installment in your ongoing contact with the teacher.
2. Make a list of things you want to discuss with the teacher, and number your list from most to least important so that you cover the more pressing topics first. If you rely on your memory, you may forget what you planned to say. Take along your child's homework or report card to document your concerns.
3. Introduce yourself and begin with a smile and a genuine compliment; don't assume the teacher knows who you are. A smile will set both your minds at ease. You may not realize that teachers are often just as nervous as you are about conferences! So find something nice to say about the classroom environment or a special subject your child talks about. For example, "Hi, I'm Tina's mother and she's been telling me how much she loves the science experiments you do in class."
4. Look the teacher in the eye and be ready to listen. Let him direct the conversation; the information he shares may answer some of your questions. Be sure to ask the teacher to explain anything you don't understand, especially if he begins using educational jargon that's not familiar to you. Remember, if the teacher is talking about a topic on your list but you still have a question, now is the time to ask it. Take a pen and paper along to jot down things to tell your child or spouse later.
5. Be positive and ask objective questions. Beginning with a complaint will probably close the doors to helpful communication between you and the teacher. But it can be tricky to ask questions without seeming to pick a fight. Here are some questions to consider:
6. Expect to hear about your child's problem areas. A good teacher will summarize a child's strengths before describing problems. But with limited time to talk and in hopes that you can help your child at home, many teachers immediately focus on a child's weaknesses. Don't be defensive, but try to determine if or how your child may be different at home -- and let the teacher know. If the teacher says that your child doesn't work well in a group, you might say, "In Boy Scouts, David loves working with other boys to earn badges." Then, you and the teacher have some information to explore together. What's the purpose of the group, and who else besides your child is in it? Perhaps the groups need to rotate more often, or your child needs clearer expectations for his work.
7. Ask for handouts. Good teachers know how to save time in a conference, and they also know not to send you home empty-handed. They often have curriculum materials prepared for you to read. Keep them to refer to during the year -- they can answer questions that may occur to you later about classroom policies, the social-studies curriculum, or events such as field trips. The teacher's telephone number and/or e-mail address may also be included.
8. Take advantage of the opportunity to meet with your child's teacher early in the year. At the conference, give her your telephone number and the best times to reach you, or perhaps your e-mail address. In fact, sending occasional notes during the year keeps you in touch with the teacher and shows that you care about your child's education. Most teachers appreciate the contact with parents and may even write back. Once you've met the teacher face-to-face, telephone and e-mail contact is easier and can yield better results. But be sure you don't become a nuisance to the teacher or take over your child's responsibilities. Ultimately, it is your child's job to know what the homework is and when the tests are.
9. Volunteer to share your skills in the classroom. Even if you work or have a busy schedule, don't assume that you have nothing to bring to the classroom. There are many ways for parents to be involved:
1. Come on time, and don't stay past your allotted time. The teacher has all the other parents to meet with in tightly scheduled time blocks. If you are late, your session may be shortened. Consider this conference the first installment in your ongoing contact with the teacher.
2. Make a list of things you want to discuss with the teacher, and number your list from most to least important so that you cover the more pressing topics first. If you rely on your memory, you may forget what you planned to say. Take along your child's homework or report card to document your concerns.
3. Introduce yourself and begin with a smile and a genuine compliment; don't assume the teacher knows who you are. A smile will set both your minds at ease. You may not realize that teachers are often just as nervous as you are about conferences! So find something nice to say about the classroom environment or a special subject your child talks about. For example, "Hi, I'm Tina's mother and she's been telling me how much she loves the science experiments you do in class."
4. Look the teacher in the eye and be ready to listen. Let him direct the conversation; the information he shares may answer some of your questions. Be sure to ask the teacher to explain anything you don't understand, especially if he begins using educational jargon that's not familiar to you. Remember, if the teacher is talking about a topic on your list but you still have a question, now is the time to ask it. Take a pen and paper along to jot down things to tell your child or spouse later.
5. Be positive and ask objective questions. Beginning with a complaint will probably close the doors to helpful communication between you and the teacher. But it can be tricky to ask questions without seeming to pick a fight. Here are some questions to consider:
- How would you describe my child's academic progress?
- Does my child behave in school?
- What are my child's work habits?
- How does my child get along with the other children?
- How much homework will my child receive each week?
- How much should I be helping my child with her homework?
6. Expect to hear about your child's problem areas. A good teacher will summarize a child's strengths before describing problems. But with limited time to talk and in hopes that you can help your child at home, many teachers immediately focus on a child's weaknesses. Don't be defensive, but try to determine if or how your child may be different at home -- and let the teacher know. If the teacher says that your child doesn't work well in a group, you might say, "In Boy Scouts, David loves working with other boys to earn badges." Then, you and the teacher have some information to explore together. What's the purpose of the group, and who else besides your child is in it? Perhaps the groups need to rotate more often, or your child needs clearer expectations for his work.
7. Ask for handouts. Good teachers know how to save time in a conference, and they also know not to send you home empty-handed. They often have curriculum materials prepared for you to read. Keep them to refer to during the year -- they can answer questions that may occur to you later about classroom policies, the social-studies curriculum, or events such as field trips. The teacher's telephone number and/or e-mail address may also be included.
8. Take advantage of the opportunity to meet with your child's teacher early in the year. At the conference, give her your telephone number and the best times to reach you, or perhaps your e-mail address. In fact, sending occasional notes during the year keeps you in touch with the teacher and shows that you care about your child's education. Most teachers appreciate the contact with parents and may even write back. Once you've met the teacher face-to-face, telephone and e-mail contact is easier and can yield better results. But be sure you don't become a nuisance to the teacher or take over your child's responsibilities. Ultimately, it is your child's job to know what the homework is and when the tests are.
9. Volunteer to share your skills in the classroom. Even if you work or have a busy schedule, don't assume that you have nothing to bring to the classroom. There are many ways for parents to be involved:
- Be a guest speaker or find one. You can easily talk about your own job or a hobby; or you may know someone interesting who can speak to the class about a relevant topic.
- Invite the class to visit your place of work. If you work in a store, let them come see how the business is run. If you work in a hospital, give them a tour of the pediatrics ward.
- Offer to chaperone the class on a field trip. If you work, take a day or half-day of vacation. You'll enjoy it -- and you'll get a chance to see your child in a whole new light.
- Help with the class newsletter. If you are a working parent, share the job with a committee so that you have do it only once or twice a year. (And let your child help, too!)
- Be an at-home tutor. If your child needs tutoring in reading and your friend's child needs math help, swap kids for one or two hours a week. A child often learns better with someone other than a parent, and parents have different strengths to share.
- Send ethnic foods to the classroom. Prepare something that is special to your family -- egg rolls, blintzes, or baklava -- or, let your child bring in an unusual vegetable or fruit for a holiday celebration or to fit a special unit of study.
Happy Kids Aren’t Always Happy: Lessons From the Toddler Years By Claire Lerner, L.C.S.W.-C
Every day, I get to spend time with parents of young children. Their stories of parenthood are sometimes hilarious and sometimes heartbreaking, as parents express frustration that their precious, limited time with their child is spent in power struggles and negotiations: high aggravation, limited joy.
In my experience as a parent and parent educator, I have found that there are a number of key concepts that help parents gain important insights into the meaning of their children’s behavior that lead to more positive and effective responses to the range of challenging behaviors that arise in early childhood. Here’s my shortlist:
In this post, I will take a look at the first two guiding principles – we’ll tackle the others in later weeks!
1. Don’t fear the feelings.
Everyone wants their child to be happy. So what do we do when our kids are angry, sad or frustrated?
Don’t fear the feelings. Feelings aren’t “right” or “wrong,” and they are not the problem. It’s what children (and we adults!) do with our feelings that can be problematic. Does this scenario sound familiar?
Four-year-old Trevor became very oppositional with his parents after his baby brother, Joseph, was born; he was also negative about Joseph, saying “mean” things about him and asking when the baby would be going back to the hospital. Initially, Trevor’s parents reacted by telling Trevor he was not being a good big brother and by putting him repeatedly in time-outs. But this only seemed to increase Trevor’s defiance and anger towards his brother.
It’s natural, as parents, to feel distressed when our children express negative feelings, whether it is anger, frustration, jealousy, sadness or fear. These emotions make us uncomfortable, so we either overreact or minimize them (“You don’t mean that! You love your brother”). But challenging feelings are a natural part of being human.
When we ignore or try to talk children out of their difficult feelings, we are sending the message that their feelings are not acceptable. This doesn’t make the feelings go away. They just get “acted-out” through behaviors (often negative) that can lead to more stress, not less, for the child—and for the parent.
But when we acknowledge and help children express their feelings, it opens the door to helping them learn to cope with them in healthy ways. For example, validating for Trevor what a big change it is to have a new baby in the family; that having to share attention is hard; and helping him find ways he can express his feelings that don’t hurt his brother. As the Daniel Tiger song reminds us “It helps to say what you’re feeling.”
2. Having a happy child does not mean that your child is always happy.
Learning to deal with life’s frustrations and disappointments—such as not getting everything they want, when they want it—builds strong coping skills and resilience in young children. Observe any preschool class, and you will see how children learn to manage daily challenges: not being the line leader or snack helper that day; having to lie down on a nap mat for an hour even if they aren’t tired; needing to share their favorite toy…the list goes on.
That said, clear and appropriate limits can make children pretty unhappy in the moment. It is perfectly normal and expectable for young children to lose it when they don’t get what they want. But just because children protest a limit doesn’t mean it isn’t good for them. I have yet to hear a child say: “Thanks, mom, for not letting me have those M&M’s before dinner. I know how important it is to eat my growing foods.” So don’t fear the tantrum.
It’s all about our mindset when it comes to limits: they are not mean, they are loving! They lead to adaptation, flexibility, and the development of effective coping strategies—accepting a cheese stick instead of candy, or finding another toy to play with when the one they want is off-limits—which translates into the ability to follow rules, get along with others, and to cooperate, collaborate and compromise. These are the skills that bring children a sense of competence, contentedness and well-being and that lead to success in school, relationships, and life.
So keep reminding yourself that becoming a strong, resilient person involves living through and learning to cope with some uncomfortable emotions and experiences. Protecting your child from these moments may take you and your child out of your misery in the short-term but does not lead to happiness in the long-term. Learning to express the full range of human emotions in healthy ways and managing life’s frustrations and disappointment does.
In my experience as a parent and parent educator, I have found that there are a number of key concepts that help parents gain important insights into the meaning of their children’s behavior that lead to more positive and effective responses to the range of challenging behaviors that arise in early childhood. Here’s my shortlist:
- Don’t fear the feelings.
- Having a happy child doesn’t mean your child is always happy.
- Young children are strategic, not manipulative.
- Don’t take the bait!
- Know your triggers.
- Avoid solving your child’s problems.
In this post, I will take a look at the first two guiding principles – we’ll tackle the others in later weeks!
1. Don’t fear the feelings.
Everyone wants their child to be happy. So what do we do when our kids are angry, sad or frustrated?
Don’t fear the feelings. Feelings aren’t “right” or “wrong,” and they are not the problem. It’s what children (and we adults!) do with our feelings that can be problematic. Does this scenario sound familiar?
Four-year-old Trevor became very oppositional with his parents after his baby brother, Joseph, was born; he was also negative about Joseph, saying “mean” things about him and asking when the baby would be going back to the hospital. Initially, Trevor’s parents reacted by telling Trevor he was not being a good big brother and by putting him repeatedly in time-outs. But this only seemed to increase Trevor’s defiance and anger towards his brother.
It’s natural, as parents, to feel distressed when our children express negative feelings, whether it is anger, frustration, jealousy, sadness or fear. These emotions make us uncomfortable, so we either overreact or minimize them (“You don’t mean that! You love your brother”). But challenging feelings are a natural part of being human.
When we ignore or try to talk children out of their difficult feelings, we are sending the message that their feelings are not acceptable. This doesn’t make the feelings go away. They just get “acted-out” through behaviors (often negative) that can lead to more stress, not less, for the child—and for the parent.
But when we acknowledge and help children express their feelings, it opens the door to helping them learn to cope with them in healthy ways. For example, validating for Trevor what a big change it is to have a new baby in the family; that having to share attention is hard; and helping him find ways he can express his feelings that don’t hurt his brother. As the Daniel Tiger song reminds us “It helps to say what you’re feeling.”
2. Having a happy child does not mean that your child is always happy.
Learning to deal with life’s frustrations and disappointments—such as not getting everything they want, when they want it—builds strong coping skills and resilience in young children. Observe any preschool class, and you will see how children learn to manage daily challenges: not being the line leader or snack helper that day; having to lie down on a nap mat for an hour even if they aren’t tired; needing to share their favorite toy…the list goes on.
That said, clear and appropriate limits can make children pretty unhappy in the moment. It is perfectly normal and expectable for young children to lose it when they don’t get what they want. But just because children protest a limit doesn’t mean it isn’t good for them. I have yet to hear a child say: “Thanks, mom, for not letting me have those M&M’s before dinner. I know how important it is to eat my growing foods.” So don’t fear the tantrum.
It’s all about our mindset when it comes to limits: they are not mean, they are loving! They lead to adaptation, flexibility, and the development of effective coping strategies—accepting a cheese stick instead of candy, or finding another toy to play with when the one they want is off-limits—which translates into the ability to follow rules, get along with others, and to cooperate, collaborate and compromise. These are the skills that bring children a sense of competence, contentedness and well-being and that lead to success in school, relationships, and life.
So keep reminding yourself that becoming a strong, resilient person involves living through and learning to cope with some uncomfortable emotions and experiences. Protecting your child from these moments may take you and your child out of your misery in the short-term but does not lead to happiness in the long-term. Learning to express the full range of human emotions in healthy ways and managing life’s frustrations and disappointment does.
Bring It On! Four Attitudes That Will Help Kids Tackle Challenges By Deborah Farmer Kris
Let’s start with a little self-reflection, as parents:
When you are learning a new skill, what’s your first reaction? Are you excited? Nervous? Do you want to walk away or dive in? What happens when you try to solve a problem, but the first attempt fails? Is your instinct to give up? Get mad? Roll up your sleeves and try again?
We all have strong reactions in the face of challenges. So it’s understandable that our kids feel a whole range of emotions as they work through problems. As parents, we want them to develop the confidence to say, “It might be hard, but I can figure this out!”
When Ruff Ruffman and his friends approach a challenge, they bring four key attitudes to their investigations – attitudes that help push through difficulty: curiosity, perseverance, risk-taking, and creative and critical thinking.
These are not rules, but tools for solving problems and overcoming obstacles. When we encourage kids to tackle challenges, they aren’t just solving the problem in the moment: they are building the toolkit they need for tackling future challenges!
Curiosity
Curiosity is a strong desire to learn something new. Children are naturally curious – eager to explore the world and figure out how things work. Curiosity is tied to academic achievement, with research showing “unequivocally that when people are curious about something, they learn more, and better.” As parents, when we encourage kids to ask questions, help them find answers, and support them as they explore their interests, we are encouraging the habit of curiosity.
Perseverance
Perseverance involves sticking with a problem despite obstacles and failures, until you find a solution – or at least get closer to one! It’s another word for grit and resilience, and it gives us the strength to try, try, try again. The habit of perseverance supports a “growth mindset” – the belief that our intelligence and skills can grow with effort. Kids with a growth mindset thrive on challenges and view failure as part of the learning process.
Risk-taking
Depending on your child’s temperament, it may be easy or difficult for them to step out of their comfort zone and try something new. Risk taking is not about dangerous behavior. Rather, it’s about being willing to try something new, something hard, or something we haven’t done before.
You can’t learn any new skill without stepping outside of your comfort zone of “things I already know how to do!” A baby is going to fall down when they are learning how to walk, a kid is going to tumble while learning how to ride a bike, and a young scientist is going to try solutions that do not produce the results they want. But we can’t learn until we take a deep breath and try!
Creative and Critical Thinking
Creative thinking means using our imagination to solve problems. Creativity expert Sir Ken Robinson says that fostering creativity is as important as teaching literacy. When we think creatively, we look at a challenge from multiple angles: What is the problem? What is our goal? What do we know? What have we already tried? What materials do we have to use? What information do we need?
Here are a few sentence starters that can help prompt creative and critical thinking:
“What have we already tried?”
“What haven’t we tried?”
“What if we tried . . . . “
“What if we used ________ as a tool?
“If we had a magic wand, what would we do with it?”
Of course, no one displays these four attitudes all the time in every circumstance, but when help kids ask questions, stick with a challenge, and look at a problem from a different angle, they will build habits that will help them thrive.
When you are learning a new skill, what’s your first reaction? Are you excited? Nervous? Do you want to walk away or dive in? What happens when you try to solve a problem, but the first attempt fails? Is your instinct to give up? Get mad? Roll up your sleeves and try again?
We all have strong reactions in the face of challenges. So it’s understandable that our kids feel a whole range of emotions as they work through problems. As parents, we want them to develop the confidence to say, “It might be hard, but I can figure this out!”
When Ruff Ruffman and his friends approach a challenge, they bring four key attitudes to their investigations – attitudes that help push through difficulty: curiosity, perseverance, risk-taking, and creative and critical thinking.
These are not rules, but tools for solving problems and overcoming obstacles. When we encourage kids to tackle challenges, they aren’t just solving the problem in the moment: they are building the toolkit they need for tackling future challenges!
Curiosity
Curiosity is a strong desire to learn something new. Children are naturally curious – eager to explore the world and figure out how things work. Curiosity is tied to academic achievement, with research showing “unequivocally that when people are curious about something, they learn more, and better.” As parents, when we encourage kids to ask questions, help them find answers, and support them as they explore their interests, we are encouraging the habit of curiosity.
Perseverance
Perseverance involves sticking with a problem despite obstacles and failures, until you find a solution – or at least get closer to one! It’s another word for grit and resilience, and it gives us the strength to try, try, try again. The habit of perseverance supports a “growth mindset” – the belief that our intelligence and skills can grow with effort. Kids with a growth mindset thrive on challenges and view failure as part of the learning process.
Risk-taking
Depending on your child’s temperament, it may be easy or difficult for them to step out of their comfort zone and try something new. Risk taking is not about dangerous behavior. Rather, it’s about being willing to try something new, something hard, or something we haven’t done before.
You can’t learn any new skill without stepping outside of your comfort zone of “things I already know how to do!” A baby is going to fall down when they are learning how to walk, a kid is going to tumble while learning how to ride a bike, and a young scientist is going to try solutions that do not produce the results they want. But we can’t learn until we take a deep breath and try!
Creative and Critical Thinking
Creative thinking means using our imagination to solve problems. Creativity expert Sir Ken Robinson says that fostering creativity is as important as teaching literacy. When we think creatively, we look at a challenge from multiple angles: What is the problem? What is our goal? What do we know? What have we already tried? What materials do we have to use? What information do we need?
Here are a few sentence starters that can help prompt creative and critical thinking:
“What have we already tried?”
“What haven’t we tried?”
“What if we tried . . . . “
“What if we used ________ as a tool?
“If we had a magic wand, what would we do with it?”
Of course, no one displays these four attitudes all the time in every circumstance, but when help kids ask questions, stick with a challenge, and look at a problem from a different angle, they will build habits that will help them thrive.
How Children Learn When You Join Them for Screen Time By Sara DeWitt
As parents, we spend a lot of time worrying about our kids. Are they sleeping enough? Are they meeting their milestones? Are they eating healthy — or in my case, are they going to eat any of the lunch I packed this morning at all?
And when it comes to screens, parents not only worry about the time their kids spend with screens, but we also tend to feel guilty for the time we allow. We worry that watching TV or playing games on the iPad takes away from real-life experiences. We worry about the messages media is sending our children about who they are and who they should be. We worry that our kids are not being social, not getting enough fresh air, not learning.
As the head of PBS KIDS digital, I’m often asked how I handle screen time with my own kids. And what comes up first are questions about how much time is OK. The truth is, the rules not only change household to household, but also kid to kid. My five-year-old needs major limits because he would watch all day if I let him, while my almost three-year-old is rarely interested in sitting still longer than 20 minutes.
And while, understandably, our automatic reaction is to set limits on the things that scare us, in my 18 years working with kids and media I’ve come to understand how educational media can be a powerful tool for helping our children learn — and parents play an important part.
There’s an alternate route to saying “no.” There’s an easier approach we can follow. Through the fears, concerns, and worries about screen time, there is, in fact, a truly simple answer for turning media into a thoughtful, constructive learning experience for children.
Just show up. Sit down next to your child. Ask a couple questions about what they’re doing or watching. Research shows us that watching, playing, and engaging with our children through educational media helps them learn. Children and media researcher Eric Rasmussen explains it this way: watching TV with your child communicates that what your child wants to do is important to you and that you approve of the content they’re watching. This not only creates a bonding moment, but also inspires your child to pay closer attention to the lessons within the show. Your presence alone is enough for your child to learn better.
One of the best things we can do for our children, overall, is talk to them. And, as we all know, it can sometimes be difficult to get answers about school or our child’s day. So why not use screen time to engage with them? When you talk to kids about what they’re watching and playing, you’re also setting up a strong media habit. Kids are learning that media is meant to be shared and discussed, and isn’t just a solo experience. Here are some ways I use media to bond with my kids and help them learn and grow:
Use media to teach life lessons. In my household, my three-year-old is having trouble with taking turns (as many three-year-olds do!), so we’ve been making a point of watching Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood during his screen time. Later, over dinner, I’ll ask him some questions about it: “I noticed that Katarina and Daniel were having an argument. How did they figure it out?” Or, “What would you do if your friends weren’t sharing?”
When he responds, a few things are happening. First, he’s working on his own social and emotional growth while talking through his reactions to the story. Second, he’s developing literacy skills: telling a story in order, recognizing what happened first, next, and last – key preschool- and kindergarten-readiness skills. Finally, he and I are bonding, having a fun conversation together, and creating a shared moment!
Point out how characters are feeling. Help young children begin to understand emotions by pointing out how characters in books or on TV might feel. For example, “Daniel Tiger is MAD because his block tower fell down, but he took a deep breath, counted to four, and now he feels better. Maybe he can build a new tower!” You can also use the free Daniel Tiger for Parents app to help your child work through tough feelings, wherever you might be.
Let your child teach you. Ask your little gamer about their play — or even if they’ll teach you to play! This can help young children build their creative storytelling skills (“Did you see? I made a car out of pickle! I drove so fast!”) and older children think through strategy and problem-solving skills. Try asking, “What do you need to do next in this game?” or “Why do you think that happened?”
Connect digital experiences to your child’s world. Watching and playing with your child gives you information you can build on in the future. For example, “Can you show Grandma how the bats flew in that game you played? Do you remember what they ate?” Or “That train looks like the one we saw on TV! How many cars do you think it has? Let’s count them!”
Explore your child’s interests. Tuning into your little one’s favorite on screen experiences can help you extend their learning in other ways. Take a trip to the library to check out dinosaur books for your T-Rex lover. Or help your outdoor explorer find different animals, plants, and insects at the park. Or encourage your budding artist to draw what he watched on TV. Whether it’s science or art or math, if you start with an area that sparks your child’s interests and curiosity, they’ll learn more from it.
Above all, remember that you are the answer to your concerns about screen time. You know what’s best for your child when it comes to time limits and the content they play and watch. Your proactive presence while your child engages with media might be what matters most. And spending time with our children, no matter what the activity, helps us create shared memories and experiences we’ll treasure forever. When we cuddle and laugh together during a particularly funny show or solve problems as a team with a video game, we’re creating lasting bonds.
And when it comes to screens, parents not only worry about the time their kids spend with screens, but we also tend to feel guilty for the time we allow. We worry that watching TV or playing games on the iPad takes away from real-life experiences. We worry about the messages media is sending our children about who they are and who they should be. We worry that our kids are not being social, not getting enough fresh air, not learning.
As the head of PBS KIDS digital, I’m often asked how I handle screen time with my own kids. And what comes up first are questions about how much time is OK. The truth is, the rules not only change household to household, but also kid to kid. My five-year-old needs major limits because he would watch all day if I let him, while my almost three-year-old is rarely interested in sitting still longer than 20 minutes.
And while, understandably, our automatic reaction is to set limits on the things that scare us, in my 18 years working with kids and media I’ve come to understand how educational media can be a powerful tool for helping our children learn — and parents play an important part.
There’s an alternate route to saying “no.” There’s an easier approach we can follow. Through the fears, concerns, and worries about screen time, there is, in fact, a truly simple answer for turning media into a thoughtful, constructive learning experience for children.
Just show up. Sit down next to your child. Ask a couple questions about what they’re doing or watching. Research shows us that watching, playing, and engaging with our children through educational media helps them learn. Children and media researcher Eric Rasmussen explains it this way: watching TV with your child communicates that what your child wants to do is important to you and that you approve of the content they’re watching. This not only creates a bonding moment, but also inspires your child to pay closer attention to the lessons within the show. Your presence alone is enough for your child to learn better.
One of the best things we can do for our children, overall, is talk to them. And, as we all know, it can sometimes be difficult to get answers about school or our child’s day. So why not use screen time to engage with them? When you talk to kids about what they’re watching and playing, you’re also setting up a strong media habit. Kids are learning that media is meant to be shared and discussed, and isn’t just a solo experience. Here are some ways I use media to bond with my kids and help them learn and grow:
Use media to teach life lessons. In my household, my three-year-old is having trouble with taking turns (as many three-year-olds do!), so we’ve been making a point of watching Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood during his screen time. Later, over dinner, I’ll ask him some questions about it: “I noticed that Katarina and Daniel were having an argument. How did they figure it out?” Or, “What would you do if your friends weren’t sharing?”
When he responds, a few things are happening. First, he’s working on his own social and emotional growth while talking through his reactions to the story. Second, he’s developing literacy skills: telling a story in order, recognizing what happened first, next, and last – key preschool- and kindergarten-readiness skills. Finally, he and I are bonding, having a fun conversation together, and creating a shared moment!
Point out how characters are feeling. Help young children begin to understand emotions by pointing out how characters in books or on TV might feel. For example, “Daniel Tiger is MAD because his block tower fell down, but he took a deep breath, counted to four, and now he feels better. Maybe he can build a new tower!” You can also use the free Daniel Tiger for Parents app to help your child work through tough feelings, wherever you might be.
Let your child teach you. Ask your little gamer about their play — or even if they’ll teach you to play! This can help young children build their creative storytelling skills (“Did you see? I made a car out of pickle! I drove so fast!”) and older children think through strategy and problem-solving skills. Try asking, “What do you need to do next in this game?” or “Why do you think that happened?”
Connect digital experiences to your child’s world. Watching and playing with your child gives you information you can build on in the future. For example, “Can you show Grandma how the bats flew in that game you played? Do you remember what they ate?” Or “That train looks like the one we saw on TV! How many cars do you think it has? Let’s count them!”
Explore your child’s interests. Tuning into your little one’s favorite on screen experiences can help you extend their learning in other ways. Take a trip to the library to check out dinosaur books for your T-Rex lover. Or help your outdoor explorer find different animals, plants, and insects at the park. Or encourage your budding artist to draw what he watched on TV. Whether it’s science or art or math, if you start with an area that sparks your child’s interests and curiosity, they’ll learn more from it.
Above all, remember that you are the answer to your concerns about screen time. You know what’s best for your child when it comes to time limits and the content they play and watch. Your proactive presence while your child engages with media might be what matters most. And spending time with our children, no matter what the activity, helps us create shared memories and experiences we’ll treasure forever. When we cuddle and laugh together during a particularly funny show or solve problems as a team with a video game, we’re creating lasting bonds.
It Takes a Village: How to Ensure All Caregivers Are Enforcing the Same Rules By Michelle S. Kaplan, LCSW
We’ve all heard that “it takes a village” to raise a child — but how do parents manage the village? How do you make sure your mother-in-law is enforcing the same rules you are? How do you explain your child’s individual needs to the caregiver? Parents often ask me these questions; here are some tips for getting the most from your support network.
- Review expectations ahead of time. Parents and other caregivers often have different expectations of children. A parent may want homework started as soon as the child is home from school, while Grandma feels it’s important to take a break. A caregiver feels a child should be able to get ready for school by herself, while the parent worries that she’ll forget to brush her teeth or pack her backpack.
I recommend that primary caregivers sit down with family members and helpers to review behavior expectations — ahead of time and when everyone is calm. This is a chance for everyone to share their priorities regarding behavior goals and have a conversation around how to achieve them. Writing out these expectations can be a helpful guide for all caregivers. - Set up a clear reinforcement plan. Many parents develop behavior plans that link positive behavior to a reward. For example, if you complete your homework, you can watch TV. This is an effective technique that encourages cooperation from a child.
But what do you do when the plan is undermined, and you come home to find homework incomplete while your child is watching his favorite show? Instead of yelling at the child or the adult in charge, use this opportunity to discuss house rules with the caregiver and ask that they be enforced. Hopefully, this will prevent the situation from being repeated. - Be consistent with consequences for misbehavior. In advance of leaving your child with a caregiver, come up with a list of behaviors that are never acceptable, regardless of who is in charge. This list could include hurting others or destroying property. Also make sure you and the caregiver are clear on the consequences; these work best when consistent, so showing the child that the same response occurs every time is important.
For example, “If you hurt someone, there will be a five-minute time-out, whether Mom is in charge or Grandpa is in charge.” It’s helpful to review the rules with any new caregiver in front of the child, and have the child help come up with examples for each so that the rules are clearly defined. Providing a written script that caregivers can use is also beneficial. Planning ahead reduces the chance that threats like “you will never be able to see your friends again” are used. - Communication is key. Caregivers, family members and other helpers have special insight into a child’s strengths and struggles. If there is no communication with parents about what is and is not working, that information is lost. To avoid this, I recommend coming up with a communication plan that allows caregivers to share how the day went with parents in a collaborative manner. If there is a specific behavior goal that the child is working on, it is important to track that progress and communicate it to all caregivers.
I always tell parents that you want to highlight good behavior and reduce attention to the bad; a communication plan can help make this happen by allowing you to “catch a child being good” through your support network. I recommend that for every one instance of negative feedback, three positive stories be shared; talking with your “village” of caregivers means this positive feedback is real, authentic and specific. For example, Joey had a hard time cleaning up his room tonight, but he packed his bag by himself this morning, tried a new food and used nice words with his sister. - Be realistic and flexible. Sometimes it’s necessary to adapt the plan in order to increase the probability of success (or reduce the likelihood of confusion!). You may not allow screen time during the day, but an exception can be made when Grandpa is stepping in for the week. Just be up front with children. “When Grandpa is here this week, you will be able to play on the tablet.” Sometimes you just need to get through the moment, and that’s okay!
- Review expectations ahead of time. Parents and other caregivers often have different expectations of children. A parent may want homework started as soon as the child is home from school, while Grandma feels it’s important to take a break. A caregiver feels a child should be able to get ready for school by herself, while the parent worries that she’ll forget to brush her teeth or pack her backpack.
“I Figured It Out!”: Helping Kids Become Tenacious Problem Solvers By Deborah Farmer Kris
Few things fascinate my five-year-old daughter more than ice and snow. Unfortunately for her, we live in Texas.
Yesterday, after weeks of wishing for a winter wonderland, she poked around the kitchen drawers, looking for a solution to her problem. Her eyes lit up when she discovered that waxed paper felt “slippery like ice,” and she strapped some to her feet with duct tape and spent the afternoon ice skating on our tile floor.
To me, the absence of icy weather is no hardship, but my daughter saw the situation differently. The challenge was motivating. And because she had a deep desire to solve the problem — because she was uncomfortable with the world as it was — she tapped into her imagination and creativity.
Few skills will serve our children better than the ability to solve problems creatively. As education specialist Tony Wagner told the New York Times, “Today, because knowledge is available on every Internet-connected device, what you know matters far less than what you can do with what you know.” One of the most important skills, he continues, is “the capacity to innovate — the ability to solve problems creatively or bring new possibilities to life.”
The challenges that loom large to kids might seem small to adults: How do I put on my shoes by myself? Reach the cookie jar on the counter? Build a tower? Carry all my dinosaurs at once? Solve this math puzzle? Make a book? Build a fort? Join a group at recess? Ask a teacher for help? Keep my brother out of my room? Convince my parents to get a dog?
But these early challenges are the source of future innovation. When kids practice problem-solving skills at an early age — including the tenacity to keep trying when their first solution falls flat — they will be better equipped to thrive in a rapidly changing world.
Four Ways to Nurture Your Child’s Problem-Solving Skills
Yesterday, after weeks of wishing for a winter wonderland, she poked around the kitchen drawers, looking for a solution to her problem. Her eyes lit up when she discovered that waxed paper felt “slippery like ice,” and she strapped some to her feet with duct tape and spent the afternoon ice skating on our tile floor.
To me, the absence of icy weather is no hardship, but my daughter saw the situation differently. The challenge was motivating. And because she had a deep desire to solve the problem — because she was uncomfortable with the world as it was — she tapped into her imagination and creativity.
Few skills will serve our children better than the ability to solve problems creatively. As education specialist Tony Wagner told the New York Times, “Today, because knowledge is available on every Internet-connected device, what you know matters far less than what you can do with what you know.” One of the most important skills, he continues, is “the capacity to innovate — the ability to solve problems creatively or bring new possibilities to life.”
The challenges that loom large to kids might seem small to adults: How do I put on my shoes by myself? Reach the cookie jar on the counter? Build a tower? Carry all my dinosaurs at once? Solve this math puzzle? Make a book? Build a fort? Join a group at recess? Ask a teacher for help? Keep my brother out of my room? Convince my parents to get a dog?
But these early challenges are the source of future innovation. When kids practice problem-solving skills at an early age — including the tenacity to keep trying when their first solution falls flat — they will be better equipped to thrive in a rapidly changing world.
Four Ways to Nurture Your Child’s Problem-Solving Skills
- Encourage Curiosity. All children go through a “Why?” stage. While that can tax our patience, we should be more concerned about children outgrowing their desire to understand why the world works the way it does.Problem solving often involves targeted research to find the information we need to develop innovative solutions. Use kids’ innate curiosity to teach them research skills. In fact, one of the best responses we can give to a “Why?” question is simply: “Let’s find out.” These three words tell children that you honor their curiosity and take their questions and interests seriously. It also shows that there are ways to find answers.
- Don’t Rescue, Reframe. When your elementary-age child comes to you with a problem — from a school science fair project to a social concern — resist the urge to step in and solve it for them. Instead, help them clarify the problem and brainstorm ways that they can solve it. Phrases such as these can help kids reframe challenges into opportunities:
- Tell me more about the situation.
- What have you already tried? What happened? What did you learn from that?
- What’s one thing you can try that you haven’t tried already? Let’s brainstorm a list of possibilities.
- How would so-and-so (a teacher, a classmate) describe the problem?
- If you had a magic wand, what would you do to change the situation?
- What information or skills do you need that you don’t have yet?
- Honor Tenacity. Tenacity is the ability to stick with a problem and approach a task with determination. It’s what gives us the strength to try, try again.
Recently, my three-year-old wanted to climb onto a piece of playground equipment — a dinosaur rocker — that was a bit too high for his frame. He approached it from multiple angles, trying to boost himself again and again. Finally, he spotted a big rock nearby, lugged it over, and used it as a stepping-stone. While it was fun to ride on the T-Rex, that was nothing compared to his delighted cry of, “I did it, Mommy!”
We honor our kids’ tenacity when we acknowledge the hard work they put into a project, when we give them time and space to experiment and when we don’t do for them what we know they can do for themselves. We encourage tenacity when we honor the effort they put into solving a problem. This might sound like, “You put a lot of hours into learning that song on the piano!” or “That was a challenging puzzle, but you stuck with it!” - Look for Cues and Clues. Kids who are good problem solvers are also great observers. They take stock of the situation. They look for materials they need. They pay attention to the clues and cues around them. If your child is struggling with something, encourage them to press pause and take another look at the situation. What do they notice? Do they need to read the math problem again and look for key words? Is their block structure missing a support beam? Do they have a friend who can collaborate with them who might have new ideas to offer?
Spending time in nature is one way to strengthen kids’ observation skills. Take a nature walk and encourage them to use their five senses. What do they see? What do they hear? What do they smell? What textures are around them? What clues can they find about they types of creatures who live in the area — what they eat, where they live? What “Why?” questions can you generate together?
How to Raise an Emotionally Resilient Child By Kenneth Barish, Ph.D.
Social & Emotional Learning
All children, even the most fortunate, suffer emotional injuries. At home, in school and on the playground, all children experience disappointment, frustration and failure; criticism and disapproval; and exclusion by peers. In every family, there will be moments of anger and misunderstanding.
In healthy development, children recover from these moments. Whether on their own or with our support, most children bounce back. Emotional injuries are, in many respects, analogous to physical injuries. Just as our cells must repair physical injuries, emotional injuries also must be healed. Without this healing, the injurious process will spread.
As parents, it is important for us to recognize these common injuries and provide some healing of a child’s discouragement and anger. Often, a simple acknowledgment of her disappointment or frustration is all that is necessary.
Children learn invaluable lessons from moments of repair. They learn that, although it is not always easy, moments of anxiety, sadness and anger are moments and can be repaired. Disappointments, in themselves and in others, are part of life, and feelings of anger and unfairness do not last forever.
A Pathway Toward Emotional Maturity
These are critical moments in the emotional life of a child—when admired adults are able to help a sad, anxious or angry child realize that she will not always feel this way; when we help a child who is disappointed or discouraged regain some measure of confidence in her future. In these moments, we have strengthened her inner resources for coping with disappointment and distress, and built a foundation of optimism and resilience.
We have also opened a pathway toward emotional maturity. In moments of repair, children begin to develop a more balanced, less all-or-nothing perspective on the disappointments and frustrations in their lives. As a result, they will be better able to “regulate” their emotions—they will be less urgent in their expressions of distress, less insistent in their demands, and able to think more constructively about how to solve emotional problems. Moments of repair may also reduce a child’s level of physiological stress.
Ten Minutes at Bedtime
Because these moments are so important to children’s emotional health, I recommend that parents set aside some time every day (perhaps ten minutes at bedtime) for kids and parents to have a chance to talk, and use this time to repair moments of conflict and misunderstanding. This may be the most important ten minutes of a child’s day.
In these brief daily conversations, we should ask kids if there is something they might want to talk about—perhaps a problem at school or with friends, something they are angry with us about, or what they may be anxious about the following day.
When there has been conflict in our relationship with our kids, it is especially important for us to take the lead and begin to repair hurtful interactions. We need to make a deliberate effort to set aside criticism and judgment as long as we can and hear their side of the story. Discussion and disagreement, even problem solving, can come later. Especially, don’t stay angry.
Of course, children do not always make this easy, especially when they are angry and demanding, or when they insistently blame others. And sometimes we may not know what to say. But our willingness to make the effort is important in itself.
Often, when we are able to listen patiently, we will find some truth in their side of the story, perhaps some previously unnoticed provocation or hurt feeling. We can also let children know that we know how they feel—because we have also had these feelings. We have also suffered frustrations and disappointments, and moments of embarrassment. We can say, for example, “Yes, I know, it feels really bad when other kids won’t let you play…I also felt bad and angry when those kinds of things happened to me.” Many children will respond to these statements with astonishment. “That happened to you!?” And, of course, it has.
Then we can help them put their disappointments in perspective. We can remind them (when they are ready to hear it) of the good things they have done and will be able to do, and that no one succeeds all the time.
And we should let them know that, win or lose, we are proud of them for their effort. A child’s feeling that her parents are proud of her may be the deepest and most lasting emotional support we can offer—an anchor that sustains her in moments of anxiety and self-doubt.
Patient listening receives far less attention than it deserves in current parenting debates, in our understandable concern with children’s achievement and character development. In my experience, however, there is no more important parenting “skill” than this, and nothing we do as parents that is more important for our children’s emotional health—and for their success in life.
In healthy development, children recover from these moments. Whether on their own or with our support, most children bounce back. Emotional injuries are, in many respects, analogous to physical injuries. Just as our cells must repair physical injuries, emotional injuries also must be healed. Without this healing, the injurious process will spread.
As parents, it is important for us to recognize these common injuries and provide some healing of a child’s discouragement and anger. Often, a simple acknowledgment of her disappointment or frustration is all that is necessary.
Children learn invaluable lessons from moments of repair. They learn that, although it is not always easy, moments of anxiety, sadness and anger are moments and can be repaired. Disappointments, in themselves and in others, are part of life, and feelings of anger and unfairness do not last forever.
A Pathway Toward Emotional Maturity
These are critical moments in the emotional life of a child—when admired adults are able to help a sad, anxious or angry child realize that she will not always feel this way; when we help a child who is disappointed or discouraged regain some measure of confidence in her future. In these moments, we have strengthened her inner resources for coping with disappointment and distress, and built a foundation of optimism and resilience.
We have also opened a pathway toward emotional maturity. In moments of repair, children begin to develop a more balanced, less all-or-nothing perspective on the disappointments and frustrations in their lives. As a result, they will be better able to “regulate” their emotions—they will be less urgent in their expressions of distress, less insistent in their demands, and able to think more constructively about how to solve emotional problems. Moments of repair may also reduce a child’s level of physiological stress.
Ten Minutes at Bedtime
Because these moments are so important to children’s emotional health, I recommend that parents set aside some time every day (perhaps ten minutes at bedtime) for kids and parents to have a chance to talk, and use this time to repair moments of conflict and misunderstanding. This may be the most important ten minutes of a child’s day.
In these brief daily conversations, we should ask kids if there is something they might want to talk about—perhaps a problem at school or with friends, something they are angry with us about, or what they may be anxious about the following day.
When there has been conflict in our relationship with our kids, it is especially important for us to take the lead and begin to repair hurtful interactions. We need to make a deliberate effort to set aside criticism and judgment as long as we can and hear their side of the story. Discussion and disagreement, even problem solving, can come later. Especially, don’t stay angry.
Of course, children do not always make this easy, especially when they are angry and demanding, or when they insistently blame others. And sometimes we may not know what to say. But our willingness to make the effort is important in itself.
Often, when we are able to listen patiently, we will find some truth in their side of the story, perhaps some previously unnoticed provocation or hurt feeling. We can also let children know that we know how they feel—because we have also had these feelings. We have also suffered frustrations and disappointments, and moments of embarrassment. We can say, for example, “Yes, I know, it feels really bad when other kids won’t let you play…I also felt bad and angry when those kinds of things happened to me.” Many children will respond to these statements with astonishment. “That happened to you!?” And, of course, it has.
Then we can help them put their disappointments in perspective. We can remind them (when they are ready to hear it) of the good things they have done and will be able to do, and that no one succeeds all the time.
And we should let them know that, win or lose, we are proud of them for their effort. A child’s feeling that her parents are proud of her may be the deepest and most lasting emotional support we can offer—an anchor that sustains her in moments of anxiety and self-doubt.
Patient listening receives far less attention than it deserves in current parenting debates, in our understandable concern with children’s achievement and character development. In my experience, however, there is no more important parenting “skill” than this, and nothing we do as parents that is more important for our children’s emotional health—and for their success in life.
Ten Tips for Your Child's Success in School
It should come as no surprise that success — or failure — at school starts at home. Studies have linked poor academic performance to factors such as a lack of sleep, poor nutrition, obesity, and a lack of parental support.
The good news is that those same studies also show higher test scores for students who live in homes where healthy habits, regular routines, and good communication exist. How can you ensure your child heads off to school this fall with the best possible foundation? Follow these 10 tips and watch your child thrive.
Enforce Healthy Habits
You can’t perform well when you don’t feel good. To help your child have the best chance at doing well in school, make sure she follows healthy habits at home. Choose a bedtime that will give your child plenty of sleep, and provide a healthy breakfast each morning. Encourage exercise, and limit the amount of time she spends watching TV, playing video games, listening to music, or using the computer.
Stick to a Routine
Most kids thrive on structure and will respond well to routines that help them organize their days. In our house, for example, my son gets dressed, makes his bed, and eats breakfast while I make his lunch and pack his school bag with completed homework and forms. When he gets home in the afternoon, I serve him a snack and he does his homework while I prepare dinner. Your routines may differ, but the key is to make it the same every day so your child knows what to expect.
Create a “Launch Pad”
Veteran parents know it’s important to have a single place to put backpacks, jackets, shoes, lunchboxes, and school projects each day. Some call it a “launch pad,” while others call it a “staging area.” Our area is a hook by the back door.
Whatever you call it, find a place where your child can keep the items he needs for school each day and keep him organized. Then you’ll know right where to find everything during the morning rush.
Designate a Space
At school your child has a desk or table where she works. There is plenty of light, lots of supplies, and enough room to work. Why not provide her with the same type of environment for homework? A designated homework space often makes it easier and more fun for children to complete assignments at home. A desk is great, but a basket of supplies and a stretch of kitchen counter work just as well.
Read, Again and Again
It is often said that children spend the first several years learning to read, and the rest of the lives reading to learn. The written word is a gateway to all kinds of learning, and the more you read to your child, the better chance he has of becoming a proficient and eager reader.
Try to sit down with your child to read a little bit every day, give him plenty of opportunities to read out loud to you, as well, and above all have fun. While the importance of reading with your child cannot be stressed enough, it should not be the cause of stress.
Learn Always
Your child may be past the preschool years, but home education is still a critical part of his overall learning experience. “Some of the attitude recently is that it’s up to the schools and teachers to figure it all out, to make sure children are learning and healthy and safe,” says Barbara Frankowski, M.D., MPH, FAAP, and member of the AAP Council on School Health. “There’s only so much teachers can do. Parents have to fill in with good support at home.”
Look for ways to teach your child throughout the day. For example, cooking combines elements of math and science. Use the time when you make dinner as an opportunity to read and follow directions, to discuss fractions, to make hypotheses (“What will happen when I beat the egg whites?”), and to examine results.
Take the Lead
Children learn by example. Let your kids “catch” you reading. Take time to learn a new skill and discuss the experience with them. Sit down and pay bills or do other “homework” while your kids do their schoolwork.
If you display a strong work ethic and continually seek out learning opportunities for yourself, your kids will begin to model that same behavior in their own lives.
Talk Often
Do you know how your child feels about her classroom, her teacher, and her classmates? If not, ask her. Talk with her about what she likes and doesn’t like at school. Give her a chance to express her anxieties, excitements, or disappointments about each day, and continue to support and encourage her by praising her achievements and efforts.
Show Interest
Don’t limit your support to your child; extend it to her teachers as well. Meet the teachers and stay in regular contact by phone or e-mail so that you can discuss any concerns as they arise. Not only will it pave the way for you to ask questions, but it will also make the teachers more comfortable with calling you if they have concerns about your child.
Expect Success
Perhaps the most important way you can support your child’s efforts at school is to expect him to succeed. That doesn’t mean that you demand he be the best student or the best athlete or the best artist. Rather, let him know that you expect him to do “his best” so that he’ll be proud of what he can accomplish.
If you make that expectation clear and provide a home environment that promotes learning, then your child will have a greater chance of becoming the best student he can be.
This article was featured in Healthy Children Magazine. To view the full issue, click here.
The good news is that those same studies also show higher test scores for students who live in homes where healthy habits, regular routines, and good communication exist. How can you ensure your child heads off to school this fall with the best possible foundation? Follow these 10 tips and watch your child thrive.
Enforce Healthy Habits
You can’t perform well when you don’t feel good. To help your child have the best chance at doing well in school, make sure she follows healthy habits at home. Choose a bedtime that will give your child plenty of sleep, and provide a healthy breakfast each morning. Encourage exercise, and limit the amount of time she spends watching TV, playing video games, listening to music, or using the computer.
Stick to a Routine
Most kids thrive on structure and will respond well to routines that help them organize their days. In our house, for example, my son gets dressed, makes his bed, and eats breakfast while I make his lunch and pack his school bag with completed homework and forms. When he gets home in the afternoon, I serve him a snack and he does his homework while I prepare dinner. Your routines may differ, but the key is to make it the same every day so your child knows what to expect.
Create a “Launch Pad”
Veteran parents know it’s important to have a single place to put backpacks, jackets, shoes, lunchboxes, and school projects each day. Some call it a “launch pad,” while others call it a “staging area.” Our area is a hook by the back door.
Whatever you call it, find a place where your child can keep the items he needs for school each day and keep him organized. Then you’ll know right where to find everything during the morning rush.
Designate a Space
At school your child has a desk or table where she works. There is plenty of light, lots of supplies, and enough room to work. Why not provide her with the same type of environment for homework? A designated homework space often makes it easier and more fun for children to complete assignments at home. A desk is great, but a basket of supplies and a stretch of kitchen counter work just as well.
Read, Again and Again
It is often said that children spend the first several years learning to read, and the rest of the lives reading to learn. The written word is a gateway to all kinds of learning, and the more you read to your child, the better chance he has of becoming a proficient and eager reader.
Try to sit down with your child to read a little bit every day, give him plenty of opportunities to read out loud to you, as well, and above all have fun. While the importance of reading with your child cannot be stressed enough, it should not be the cause of stress.
Learn Always
Your child may be past the preschool years, but home education is still a critical part of his overall learning experience. “Some of the attitude recently is that it’s up to the schools and teachers to figure it all out, to make sure children are learning and healthy and safe,” says Barbara Frankowski, M.D., MPH, FAAP, and member of the AAP Council on School Health. “There’s only so much teachers can do. Parents have to fill in with good support at home.”
Look for ways to teach your child throughout the day. For example, cooking combines elements of math and science. Use the time when you make dinner as an opportunity to read and follow directions, to discuss fractions, to make hypotheses (“What will happen when I beat the egg whites?”), and to examine results.
Take the Lead
Children learn by example. Let your kids “catch” you reading. Take time to learn a new skill and discuss the experience with them. Sit down and pay bills or do other “homework” while your kids do their schoolwork.
If you display a strong work ethic and continually seek out learning opportunities for yourself, your kids will begin to model that same behavior in their own lives.
Talk Often
Do you know how your child feels about her classroom, her teacher, and her classmates? If not, ask her. Talk with her about what she likes and doesn’t like at school. Give her a chance to express her anxieties, excitements, or disappointments about each day, and continue to support and encourage her by praising her achievements and efforts.
Show Interest
Don’t limit your support to your child; extend it to her teachers as well. Meet the teachers and stay in regular contact by phone or e-mail so that you can discuss any concerns as they arise. Not only will it pave the way for you to ask questions, but it will also make the teachers more comfortable with calling you if they have concerns about your child.
Expect Success
Perhaps the most important way you can support your child’s efforts at school is to expect him to succeed. That doesn’t mean that you demand he be the best student or the best athlete or the best artist. Rather, let him know that you expect him to do “his best” so that he’ll be proud of what he can accomplish.
If you make that expectation clear and provide a home environment that promotes learning, then your child will have a greater chance of becoming the best student he can be.
This article was featured in Healthy Children Magazine. To view the full issue, click here.